Plot Monkeys

AKA: Bruce Kelly!

I’m in hell-week right now trying to finish this Blaze, so I’m going to be internet-less during the day until I finish. So I asked my very wonderful hubby to step in. He has a terrific blog of his own, he’s a wonderful writer, and he’s got some cool stuff to say.

A lot of you know him. Or at least you’ve heard about him. For those who don’t–Bruce is a wonderful father, a terrific friend, and a genuinely smart-interesting-good man. And the best husband I know. I am incredibly lucky, as I’ve been told many–many–times by other people.

Anyway, here’s Bruce’s take on love and romance. And if you like what he has to say, feel free to visit his blog sometime. It’s pretty cool–if a little more controversial than here! Bruce’s blog.

Welcome Bruce…thanks for covering for me today.

I’ll pay you back.

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I’d like to thank Leslie, Carly, Janelle and Julie for inviting me to guest blog today. I’m a big fan of the blog (and of the writers) and I do read it everyday. Although I’m normally in stealth mode many of you have seen me pop my head out from behind a tree or a bush now and then so hopefully you won’t mind my intrusion today.

I seem to have developed a reputation as a romantic husband. It was never my intention.
You dress up as a pirate on Valentine’s Day ONE TIME and poof, the next day you wake up a romantic guy…with your picture plastered all over work.

Honestly, if I hear one more person tell Leslie how lucky she is I’m going to explode. First of all, I am the lucky one. Without her there would be no point and I would have no inspiration to even think about romance. Second, do you have any idea what kind of pressure this puts on a guy? What are you going to do to top that Bruce? Jeez. Listen, I’m not complaining but I mean really, can I have permission to be grouchy and inconsiderate once in a while? (Note from Leslie: Only for one hour during the full moon.)

Being married to a (particular) romance writer is indeed wonderful but when people find out what your wife does many of them immediately have certain…expectations.

First there are the questions about the love scenes - always from guys – “Hey, tell me about the sex. Do you really do what she writes in the book?”. I’ve heard it so many times I’ve come up with standard answers so usually I don’t mind.

Then, usually from the ladies, you encounter the assumption that you’re some kind of expert on romance and they want you to reform their husband. Often with him standing there. His reaction generally involves an uncomfortable smile, a simple eye roll, mock retching sounds, or a glare that says “wait until recess buddy…I’m gonna kick you from one end of the playground to the other”.

Thanks.

Trust me. I’m no expert. What I am is a (more or less) regular guy who loves and respects his wife and who happens to be in a position to see behind the scenes of two subjects that most men supposedly know nothing about. Women and Romance.

I can’t give expert advice on either topic but I can offer a quick list of observations, opinions, and common sense. You’re welcome to them and feel free to share with guys in your lives who you think may benefit. (Just warn me if he’s heading toward the playground with a glare on his face.)

1. Romance DOES NOT equal sex.

2. Romance in its simplest form is no more than making someone feel special. Giving them complete attention and making them feel that there is no place you’d rather be and no one you’d rather be with. If you know the person this is a piece of cake. It involves very little effort and costs nothing but time.

3. Courtesy, consideration and respect. Always. You give it to people you work with, friends, strangers on the street. You can give it first and foremost to someone you love.

4. Emerson said “Don’t say things. What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary.” That’s an eloquent way of saying actions speak louder than words. If you’re going to talk the talk, walk the walk.

5. In a relationship, when in doubt, Ladies First are words to live by. It works on so many levels.

6. In general. Men are National Hot Rod Association. Quarter mile track, lights flash, burn rubber, race to the finish, and pop goes the chute. Women are NASCAR. 500 laps and dangerous turns. You would do well to remember which track you’re on.

7. Preventive maintenance. You remember to service your car and your lawn mower. Remember to regularly service your relationship.

8. A review of some of the more important female erogenous zones: the bathroom, the kitchen, your bedroom, the laundry hamper, the trash can and recycling bin, the toilet seat lid. Whether you helped add to the mess or not, help clean it. You get credit for being considerate and she has less stress. Good combination.

9. This is a tough one for guys but…communicate. It heads off misunderstandings and pent up resentments. Learn to listen without interrupting.

10. Flowers from roadside flower vendors and foot rubs…for no reason.

Thanks for having me. I have to run. Leslie’s birthday is this week and I have work to do.