Plot Monkeys

Julie’s post Saturday was timely because I’d just sent a version of today’s blog to the Plotmonkeys in an email. I sent it at 2 AM one morning while unable to sleep, up struggling with the fact that once again for the hundredth time in less than 200 pages, I had to go back, insert big chunks of information, add things to my story and then ask Janelle, my critique partner, to read (or should I say reread) yet again.

I came to quite a few realizations that night.
~ I spend a lot of time feeling GUILTY that I write, and get blocked, write and read, then find myself unable to write straight through.
~ That everyone around me seems to know how to write a book and plot and I can’t. This is true. I can’t do it in a straight line, the way most people do it. ~ And that night, when I woke up, I realized I was EXCITED - about going in and doing all the fixes I have to do to make this sucker work and trust me, it ain’t simple. Now Janelle always says (after I apologize that she has to read my whole book for the hundredth time b/c of new things added) that it’s how I write, she’s used to it. But it’s usually in a me complaining, why can’t I get this right like YOU do on the first shot? And then I realized - I JUST CAN’T.

Now if I could get rid of the guilt b/c it always means asking Janelle for another read, I’d be in even better shape. NOT that you ever make me feel guilty, Janelle. That’s the Jewish Girl in me.

OK I know, I should have accepted this ages ago. But I simply CAN’T. But it gets worse … I get this euphoric high from going in an doing these revisions and adding pages. The same euphoric high from the start of a new book (that quickly ends when I fizzle and have to go back in and get MAD at myself).

Do you think I am finally coming to terms with my process? I can’t do it the first time. I’ve tried outlining from beginning to end - in the start of my career - and I’ve tried storyboarding so I can’t screw up - and you name it, I’ve tried it. And now I realize it’s not just that I can’t, but I LIKE my process (::ducking: I don’t like avoiding writing b/c I can’t figure out what’s wrong, but I think again that is part of my process BUT when I wrote this, I couldn’t wait to dig into the story and add what it needs.

Now I’m at my typical transition point when I get blocked again except I don’t have the time to allow myself to stop. And this is the story of my writing life. For what it’s worth.