Plot Monkeys

Yesterday, April 11th, was my 20th wedding anniversary with my husband, Don. After so many years, I thought it would be fun to show “then” and “now” pictures, and share a bit about what I think has enabled Don and I to make it to this marriage milestone.

Here is a picture of the two of us at our wedding in 1987. It truly was a beautiful wedding and reception, and even after twenty years I can still remember so much about it all. We were both pretty young by today’s standards. I was twenty-one, and Don was twenty-five, and even though we’d dated for five years before getting married, I don’t think the two of us realized just how difficult the first year of marriage would be. For us, that first year was a “make or break” year. We thought we knew everything there was to know about one another, and for the most part, that was true. But believe it or not, it was the little things that nearly killed us.

Two months after getting married, we moved into a brand new house that we bought, and that’s when those “little things” started making themselves known. Don hated the way I’d squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, and we’d argue about why I couldn’t just squeeze it from the bottom like he did. I would get annoyed at how he couldn’t manage to get his underwear into the hamper and how I’d have to pick them up off the floor by his side of the bed (too much information, I know, LOL!). But it was stupid things like these, along with the fact that I was working during the day from 8-5, and he was working graveyard from midnight to 8AM, and it seemed like we were arguing or fighting all the time about SOMETHING. More so than we’d fought in the five years that we were dating!

It finally got to the point that we knew we both had to make some changes, or we’d never make it for the long haul. So, we established some “rules” to help us get through those rough patches, and believe it or not, it’s these “rules” that have gotten us through the past 20 years with relative ease. So, if I had to give someone some tips on how to make a marriage work, this is what I’ve learned, and what has worked so well for Don and I.

1) Before starting an argument about something, decide just how important winning that argument is to you. Let’s go back to the silly toothpaste issue. During the course of this discussion/argument, Don decided that it just wasn’t worth getting upset about me squeezing the toothpaste from the middle and let it go. To this day, I still squeeze it from the middle. As for me, I decided that I could live with picking up Don’s underwear and tossing them into the hamper, as long as his side of the bed faced the farthest wall and I didn’t have to see those unmentionables when I walked into the room, LOL. Bottom line, when an argument ensues, it’s all about compromise. Someone has to give (or else it will just breed resentment), and it’s a matter of deciding just how important that issue is to each person, and letting the person who feels most strongly about it get their way. So, over the years, Don and I have given in on different things, depending how important it was to each of us.

2) We truly don’t go to be at night without resolving a problem or argument. Now, that’s not to say that we haven’t gone to bed upset with one another, but we ALWAYS make sure that the issue has been talked through and resolved.

3) We don’t bring up issues from the past. Once a problem or issue between us is resolved, it’s done and put to rest. We don’t bring it up again, or use it against the other person.

So, to summarize, it’s communication, compromise, and trust that has made our marriage as strong as it is. And now, twenty years and two daughter’s later, we’re each other’s very best friend. Don is the one I want to grow old with, and I’m looking forward to spending at least another twenty years with him.

And looking at this “now” picture, we really haven’t changed all that much. My hair is a lot less “poufy” (hey, it was the 80’s when I got married and it was all about BIG hair, LOL!), and even though Don still has all his hair, it’s sprinkled with gray and he’s opted to keep it cut super-short just to make things easy on him. I still think we make a cute couple!

So, what advice do you have that has helped to make your marriage, or a relationship, successful?