Plot Monkeys

A year and a half ago, during a phone call home while I’m attending a Romance Writers of America conference, my husband informs me that our youngest daughter, Kellie, has decided to become a vegetarian. Of course I ask what has brought about this decision, and I’m told that it happened as a result of an argument between Kellie and her older sister, Danielle, over the crushing death of a BUG. Yes, you read that right . . . a bug.

It seems that Kellie (12 at the time) and Danielle (14 at the time) were outside when some kind of flying bug dive bombed Danielle. Danielle HATES all kinds of bugs - - from spiders to flies to ants - - they creep her out. (Hey, she’s her mother’s daughter, for sure!) So, she swatted at the thing, knocked it down to the concrete, and promptly squished it with her shoe. (Just as I would have). Kellie, a lover of all animals and bugs, gets hysterical over the death of this bug, and her sister’s part it in. She’s so upset that she runs inside to tell her father what happened, in hopes of getting her sister in trouble.

After listening to Kellie’s tale and accusations against her sister, Don tells Kellie “It’s just a bug!”, of which Kellie replies back, “It’s a living, breathing insect and Danielle just killed it!”. Don isn’t one for theatrics, and goes on to tell her that animals and insects are killed every day. In fact, she eats animals all the time: chicken, beef, pork, etc. After a moment’s thought, Kellie announces, “Fine! Then I’m becoming a vegetarian!”. This from a kid who loves hamburgers, chicken nuggets, pork roast, and her very favorite - - Steak! Her dad’s reply is, “Okay. Whatever,” because he honestly believes that this “heat-of-the-moment” decision of Kellie’s will last all of one day.

I hang up the phone and tell Carly (who is my roommate) about Kellie’s decision to become a vegetarian. We both have a good laugh about it, and since she has a daughter the same age as Kellie, we both know that this will blow over within a few days, because Kellie won’t be able to stop eating meat.

So, I come home from my conference and Kellie informs me of her decision to become a vegetarian. I play along and tell her that’s fine, but it’s okay if she decides to eat meat again. She insists that she won’t, because she doesn’t want to contribute to the slaughter of animals. I’m thinking that’s a bit dramatic, but I’m still thinking that she’s going to miss meat, and this “meat strike” of hers will eventually end.

A month later, and she still hasn’t touched meat, and we’re no longer laughing. This kid is serious, and because I’m now concerned about her getting enough protein and iron in her diet, I make a deal with her. She can cut meat out of her diet, so long as she at least eats FISH. Yeah, that’s technically meat, and an “animal”, but she feels it’s the lesser of all those other evils and agrees. Still, at this point, I’m thinking this is all going to end, and I’m hoping SOON, because it’s a pain to have to cook different stuff for her to eat on the nights that we have chicken, beef, or pork.

Fast forward a year later, and she STILL isn’t eating meat, except for fish. Honestly, I’m amazed that she truly gave it up and lasted this long! Now it’s to the point that she checks boxed items and frozen foods to make sure that there is no meat product in the mix. And if there is, she won’t eat it.

It’s impressive, and frustrating as hell (for me), LOL! Especially when we go out to a restaurant. Like the time we went to Mimi’s Café for dinner, and Kellie saw “chicken caesar salad” on the menu. She asked me why they didn’t have just a plain “caesar salad” listed, and I told her that even though it wasn’t on the menu, she could order it without the chicken. She asked me if they were going to pick the chicken out of a chicken caesar salad already made, and I assured her that hers would be made fresh, from scratch. (Because if any kind of meat has even TOUCHED something in a meal, then has been picked out, she won’t eat whatever the meal is. Urgh!).

Anyway, our orders arrive, as does Kellie’s plain caesar salad. We’re talking and eating when all of a sudden I see Kellie, who is sitting across from me, spit a huge mouthful of salad back onto her plate - - and not very inconspicuously, either, but complete with gagging, hacking, and spitting sounds. I’m absolutely mortified and ask her what’s wrong. She tells me that she tasted chicken, and I’m so annoyed at this point and I tell her that there is no chicken in her salad, that it was made FRESH. So, she digs around the spit-up salad with her fork and what does she find . . . a damn piece of chicken! No joke! Needless to say, she refuses to EVER eat at Mimi’s again, and this has only made her more distrustful of restaurants in general. Sigh.

Fast forward again to the present. Now Kellie (who is now 14) has decided that she wants to cut ALL meat out of her diet, including fish. I tell her no, that it’s really her only good source of protein, and eating it 3-5 times a week isn’t a big deal. But all of a sudden it’s a big deal to her, and knowing how stubborn she can be, I figure it’s time to consult with a nutritionist to make sure that if she cuts out ALL meat out of her diet that she’s eating the proper things so that her body will get all the nutrients that she needs. It’s an enlightening visit, and the nutritionist assures me that she CAN cut out all meat and be okay. But it’s going to take some creative cooking and changes (oh, joy).

Luckily, Kellie likes soy products. She drinks soy milk and eats soybeans and tofu – and those are the things that she’s going to need to incorporate into her diet on a regular basis to get that protein that her body has to have. On the drive home, Kellie asks me to look up tofu recipes on the internet, and I’m surprised to find just how widely used tofu is in recipes! I’m finding recipes for tofu lasagna, potato tofu salad, tofu non-meatloaf, tofu pot pie, tofu taquitos, tofu banana bread, tofu pancakes, and even tofu brownies and tofu fudge chews! Wow! Who would have thought that Tofu could be so versatile? Certainly not I! And, as a bonus, tofu is super-low in fat and calories so it works right in with my healthier way of eating, too.

BUT, tofu does not take the place of real meat. At least not for me, Don, and Danielle. I’ll definitely give the tofu recipes a try for Kellie’s sake, but there’s no way I’m giving up beef, chicken, and pork.

So, is anyone out there a vegetarian that can offer me some sage advice? And for you meat-eaters out there, could you give up beef, pork and chicken?