Special Guest Blogger: Karen Kendall!
As you all know, my book, PHANTOM PLEASURES, is out this month. Signet Eclipse releases two books every month and my shelf partner is none other than author, Karen Kendall, who also writes for Blaze! I’m really excited about sharing shelf space with her and wanted to give the Plotmonkey audience a chance to know this hilariously funny, incredibly talented writer. So please meet Karen Kendall!
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Yesterday my thighs and I had an ugly confrontation. I was doing a book-signing party at my athletic club and I’d planned to wear a cute little sundress, since we live in south Florida. The only issue was that my skin was pale as a catfish belly.
Kate Moss can get away with the heroin-waif-stuffed-in-a-cave-for-six-months look. I cannot.
So I peeled my brand-new $19.99 Costco bathing suit off of its clear plastic dummy, ripped the tags free and went out to get reacquainted with the pool for an hour, not initially noticing that my dogs covered their eyes with their paws as I stepped out the back door.
Two yards over, the guy with the weed-whacker clutched his belly and ran inside.
Overhead the blue-jay who nests in our tree (and bullies anything else with wings) flew away in distress.
I settled into a chair and made the mistake of looking down. Holy Mother of God! Were those oblong, quivering, pocked nightmares my THIGHS? The horror! The horror!
Once I’d stopped hyperventilating, I determined–through the scientific process of pinching them and looking again–that the items in question were, indeed, attached to my body and there was no way to cut them off and still be able to walk.
Are you ready for the moral of this story? It’s deep: making a living as a writer is threatening to the thighs. (And backside, but we are just not going to go there. God made women unable to see it without a mirror for a reason! He knew that our thighs would cause trauma enough.)
Now, if only I had not held the book signing party at my athletic club, the blog could end here. But no. I get these really bright ideas sometimes. Which is why five hours later I was standing in the breezeway of the place in what is kindly called a body-shaper under some icky expand-a-pants and a top that did nothing to hide the twin atrocities that have become my arms.
You see, that cute little sundress I’d planned to wear? It didn’t fit.
A friend of mine zoomed in, took one look at me and said, “Is that a rash all over your chest?”
Um. No. That would be the very unattractive sunburn I got, made blotchy by the poorly applied sunscreen.
Then the club’s manager came out to say hi and introduced me to a couple of people. They said, “Are you a member here? We’ve never seen you before.”
Sheepishly I murmured something about multiple book deadlines.
They nodded skeptically.
Suffocating inside the “body shaper,” my thighs defended themselves. “Right, beeyotch! We wouldn’t look this way if you’d just show up to the gym sometimes.”
I poured a hefty glass of wine at this point, because even though, as an author, I do play with my imaginary friends all day long, I get a little concerned when I start holding conversations with body parts and they answer back.
I’d taken one sip when another adorable friend (size four with thighs like rocks) dragged me over to meet one of the instructors who’d stopped by. “Hi, Karen,” the woman (size three with thighs like rocks) said warmly. “I didn’t know you were a member here.”
Sheepishly I mumbled something about having two greyhounds and walking them a lot lately.
Her eagle eyes swiftly noted the ridge that showed underneath my icky expand-a-pants, a good indication that I had on a body-shaper under them. She nodded skeptically. Clearly she was thinking that I walked my greyhounds all the way from the couch to the back door.
I shot her a toothy smile and inhaled half the glass of wine. I couldn’t run away, because I was hoping to sell books to all these nice hard-bodied people.
The body shaper was hot and uncomfortable as I moved around the patio and greeted people. Under my breath I told my thighs that they were a disgrace. “I never used to have to maintain you,” I muttered.
“Yeah,” they said. “That was before you started sitting on us nine hours a day to craft the Great American Romance Novel. You used to stand up and give tours in museums. You used to walk around when you worked retail. You used to–” they snorted, “—have discipline about what you ate.”
And, let’s face it. I used to be eighteen.
We’re coming to the point of this blog entry. The size three instructor didn’t let me get away that easily. She said, “Come to my class on Tuesday.”
I gulped. “Well, but . . . I’m not one of those coordinated people. I can do either arm movements or leg movements, but not both together and definitely not in time to music.”
“That’s okay,” she said. “I’ll help you. You be there Tuesday.”
I’ll be there Tuesday.
Worse, I have been talked into doing the Tennis in No Time program.
Even more horrible than that, I have promised to hit the cardio and weight rooms on a regular basis again, starting on Monday.
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are happy being a lazy slob who has conversations with your thighs, do not hold a book-signing at your athletic club. You will regret it!
Karen Kendall is the award-winning author of many disasters and seventeen novels. Her latest, TAKE ME IF YOU CAN, is her debut in adventure/suspense. It’s the first in a new series about an agency that recovers stolen art.
Here’s the super hot trailer!
For excerpts, make sure to visit her website!
I don’t want to read this blog, Karen. I really don’t. My thighs sound like your thighs…only LARGER.
Thanks for stopping by the jungle! You know, I think the main point is that most of us didn’t realize what a stationary job this is. When I was teaching, I walked around the classroom all day, walked down hallways to and from, walked up and down stairs. I was constantly moving. And in high heels, no less. Now, the only place I seem to walk is to the kitchen!
Comment by Julie Leto — April 11, 2008 @ 11:17 pm
Hugssss
LindaH
Comment by ReadingIsSoMuchFun — April 12, 2008 @ 8:39 am
Good morning, lovlies.
Hello, Ms. Kendall, thank you for visiting here today in the jungle. Your blog was too funny. Get a treadmill or a recumbant stationary bike. You can do 10 minute spurts of exercise throughout the day while you’re writing or whatever.
Great book trailer. Very nice. Love the narration too. I have to get that book!
Janelle, I went over to the Plotters forum at RWA online yesterday and brainstormed with three writers–who were awsome by the way–and they helped me tremendously with this book I’m working on. I do need to scrap a great deal of it because it just doesn’t work but some of it I can save. The upside is I learned something new about using GMC that just blew me out of the water. They really taught this old dog something new.
Have a wonderful day all,
Cher
Comment by Cher — April 12, 2008 @ 8:58 am
I feel your pain. My legs have so much cottage cheese it’s scary.
Comment by nettisue — April 12, 2008 @ 10:03 am
HI Karen i enjoyed your blog.
I am sorta going through what you experienced.
The big Reveal after winter. I did look early right after Christmas and hopped on the total gym again and I just started walking now that the pollen has passed. I figure in a few more weeks I will have everything under control.
Julie, I loved Phantom Pleasures I can’t wait for the release of Phantom Touch.
Comment by Gigi — April 12, 2008 @ 10:29 am
Damn, damn, damn….now I”m gonna have to go to Barnes and Noble today! That book trailer is awesome and I’m a big fan of yours anyway, so….off to B&N I go!
As for the thighs….sigh. Hubby and I both have both put on about 30 extra pounds since his surgery and I’m not happy about it. We keep sayng, “tomorrow morning, 6:00 am, we’re getting up and working out.” He hits the snooze button so fast I don’t even realize the alarm has gone off until the 7:00 alarm is going off and then it’s too late.
Maybe tomorrow….
maybe….
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!!
Comment by Jodie — April 12, 2008 @ 10:34 am
Karen! Welcome to the jungle–we’re so happy to have you!
lol on the thighs…I am SO with you there. I recently joined a gym, very close to the house, very inexpensive. Then I went for the first time and realized that working out in the gym at the local university–filled with perky young co-eds and hot young colleagiate athletes–might not be the best way to go. Oy.
I read your excerpts of your new books in the Week of romance and it looked fantastic. I’ve been watching for your book ever since!
Hope to see you (and sit by you) at RWA again soon. We’ll send someone to get us wine again, ‘kay?
Comment by Leslie — April 12, 2008 @ 10:38 am
Oh Karen I feel your pain!! I keep wondering when did I let myself go like this? And why is it so hard to get back to a skinnier me? And I’d bet anything that it was a man who invented those bodyshaper thingys.
Good Luck with getting in shape and on your book release the trailer sold me!
Comment by Tina Martinesi — April 12, 2008 @ 11:09 am
Welcome Karen. I so feel your pain. I joined a gym after trying to lose weight and get healthy at home with a treadmill and bike. I’ve done much better about exercise at the gym, but my cottage cheese thighs are always covered up by really long shorts or sweatpants.
The trailer was so awesome and I’ll be picking up Take Me If You Can at Target today.
Comment by Liza — April 12, 2008 @ 11:45 am
Hi Karen! Thanks for being here today! Loved your story, you are so funny! I’ve been a slug all week, but I’m definitely hitting the treadmill on Monday now! I tried to add a little color to my legs yesterday and ended up a little blotchy myself. Your trailer is great and I look forward to reading the book!
Julie, I loved, loved Phantom Pleasures! Thanks for the awesome read and darn that I’ve got to wait until December for Phantom’s Touch!
Comment by Robin — April 12, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
In regard to going to a gym or exercising at home, I’ve done both but much prefer exercising at home. For two reasons, I can watch a movie, or TV or listen to music while I’m working out plus I don’t have to wait for a machine.
And two, quite frankly, I’d rather sweat in private. I don’t want people looking at me and I DON”T want to look at bubbly little stick figures with names like Muffy and Babs wiggling their behinds in their perfectly matched outfits with coordinating sweat bands as they walk past me in my plain, ordinary, baggy shorts and top!
Cher
Comment by Cher — April 12, 2008 @ 12:22 pm
Welcome, Karen. I’ve been out for the last twenty four hours, so I’m delayed!
Comment by Carly — April 12, 2008 @ 1:22 pm
Hi, Karen! Welcome to the jungle!
Your post today was laugh out loud funny! 
Cher — Very cool that you were able to find an online forum where you can brainstorm with writers. Definitely take advantage of it!!!
Comment by Janelle — April 12, 2008 @ 3:06 pm
Welcome to the Jungle Karen,
Loved the trailer on your new book. Next time I’m in Border’s I will look for it as I’m picking up Phantom Pleasures by Julie.
Loved the blog on your thighs! I’ve just learned to live with mine! Even when I was doing areobics 4 times a week and other workout my thighs weren’t what I wanted them to be!! They are the ones I have so there you are!! I have very fair skin so I don’t even try to tan, it is bad for the skin & boy too much sun really tells as you age!
The Blaze books all come to my doorstep but I think it has been awhile since I read one of your books! The last one I can see that I read was Men at Work! None are on my shelf waiting for me!! Love your humor!
Comment by Donna M — April 12, 2008 @ 3:06 pm
Hi Karen…I have read some of your books and they were great…you are rather witty…I was laughing all the way to the end of the blog…now I can sympathize with you…though I don’t spend 9 hours plus writing the Great American Romance Novel, I spend that much time, if not more, reading them all so I understand about the thighs…I haven’t gotten to the point of talking to them yet, but I don’t wear bathing suits that stop birdsong, cause my dogs to cover their eyes and chasing male neighbors away either…maybe I would if I did…I also have a natural tan, so I would have to…I hope you see the humor in this little response here…it is nice to have you in the jungle…talk to you more later…once again welcome…
BTW…Jules, got Phantom Pleasures…devoured and can’t wait for Touch…I love the Damon and Alexa…can’t wait to find out more about the rest of his family as well as more about Cat and Ben…great job…I will probably reread it again in a couple of days…SLOWLY this time so I can SAVOR it…hey that reminds me of another one of her buddies…lol…
Peace and love,
Paula R.
Comment by Paula R. — April 12, 2008 @ 3:51 pm
Janelle, I’m so glad I found these guys. It’s great and also a big relief to be able to bounce ideas off of someone who has experience.
Cher
Comment by Cher — April 12, 2008 @ 4:07 pm
Love the post, Karen!
Comment by Estella — April 12, 2008 @ 4:14 pm
I so know the feeling I had a gym membership and would go occasionally I’d log in and it would say yu haven’t logged in for 110 days.
I keep telling my self it is baby fat though that seems to have run out since my daugter is 8 and my son is 3. 
Comment by Michele — April 12, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
LOL Karen,
I just won’t go swimming or wear a swimsuit!
Thanks for visiting today. Sorry your signing at the athletic club didn’t turn out how your planned. Hehe. I prefer to think about none of the things you mentioned.
Comment by limecello — April 12, 2008 @ 4:32 pm
I recently was telling someone about weight which creeps up upon one when that person is
placing their attention elsewhere! It happened to me, so I understand your concern. I was
minding my own business, living life, when I suddenly I realized that something was wrong!
Now I’ve lost some of the way wrong weight that had accumulated where it shouldn’t, BUT
I haven’t lost the “jello” effect. Good luck to us all as we try to stay with the activity that
will tight our musculature!!!
Pat Cochran
Comment by Patricia Cochran — April 12, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
Oh Karen! I laughed out loud at your post (not too loud–didn’t want to anyone to wake from napping prematurely and ruin my me-time!)–as much as I love the warmer spring and summer weather, I’m shocked to see my white whale-y legs sticking out from my shorts and skirts. Ugh! When did that happen??
I’m glad you’re doing well–love the cover of TMIYC! It’s very rich and sensuous.
Hope you’re having a great weekend!
Comment by Fedora — April 12, 2008 @ 5:07 pm
Another book to add to my TBB list. The trailer was great!
I refuse to go to a gym to exercise. If I’m going to work out, I’d rather do it at home and not show to anyone in the whole gym how out of shape I’ve become.
Comment by Katie B. — April 12, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
I’m sure Karen meant to make it over here today…but she’s been having horrible computer issues all week and I have a suspicion she’s been sidelined again. I’ll bet she’ll come on and answer questions as soon as she can!
I bought my copy of TAKE ME IF YOU CAN today. Can’t wait to read it!
Gigi, Robin and Paula…thanks so much for your compliments on PHANTOM PLEASURES. I love getting feedback and of course, I love when it’s positive even more!
LOL Paula on the SAVOR and SLOWLY…have you all seen the new Author Talk at Gena’s blog?
They’ve outdone themselves interviewing Kresley Cole.
Comment by Julie Leto — April 12, 2008 @ 9:20 pm
Oh Karen,
I am so sorry and as I was reading your story…I was thinking don’t look down, don’t look down…but alas, I made the horrible error of taking a peek and I am horrified to say that my bottom should not be perchaed on this chair reading this email, but doing some sort of exercise!
I hope you sold tons of books especially with the upcoming torture that you are facing.
Lori
Comment by Lori T — April 13, 2008 @ 12:53 am
Hi, you guys!
I’m so sorry that I’m only now just making it over here to read all these great comments–thank you! Yes, my computer blew up Wednesday and we just got back on-line.
But it looks like a lot of us have thigh hatred. LOL. I am going to clear all the papers off the treadmill this a.m. and see if it still works . . .
Will be running out to get Julie’s Phantom Pleasures and Carly’s Hot Property as a treat today. (I have to bribe myself like a dog: write five pages and you get a Beggin’ Strip/trip to the bookstore.)
I do want to give away a book to one of you! I will talk to Julie about that.
Have a great week, everyone! All best, Karen Kendall
Comment by Karen — April 14, 2008 @ 8:35 am