Please Welcome Special Guest Blogger…LESLIE’S HUSBAND!
AKA: Bruce Kelly!
I’m in hell-week right now trying to finish this Blaze, so I’m going to be internet-less during the day until I finish. So I asked my very wonderful hubby to step in. He has a terrific blog of his own, he’s a wonderful writer, and he’s got some cool stuff to say.
A lot of you know him. Or at least you’ve heard about him. For those who don’t–Bruce is a wonderful father, a terrific friend, and a genuinely smart-interesting-good man. And the best husband I know. I am incredibly lucky, as I’ve been told many–many–times by other people.
Anyway, here’s Bruce’s take on love and romance. And if you like what he has to say, feel free to visit his blog sometime. It’s pretty cool–if a little more controversial than here! Bruce’s blog.
Welcome Bruce…thanks for covering for me today.
I’ll pay you back. 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’d like to thank Leslie, Carly, Janelle and Julie for inviting me to guest blog today. I’m a big fan of the blog (and of the writers) and I do read it everyday. Although I’m normally in stealth mode many of you have seen me pop my head out from behind a tree or a bush now and then so hopefully you won’t mind my intrusion today.
I seem to have developed a reputation as a romantic husband. It was never my intention. 
You dress up as a pirate on Valentine’s Day ONE TIME and poof, the next day you wake up a romantic guy…with your picture plastered all over work.
Honestly, if I hear one more person tell Leslie how lucky she is I’m going to explode. First of all, I am the lucky one. Without her there would be no point and I would have no inspiration to even think about romance. Second, do you have any idea what kind of pressure this puts on a guy? What are you going to do to top that Bruce? Jeez. Listen, I’m not complaining but I mean really, can I have permission to be grouchy and inconsiderate once in a while? (Note from Leslie: Only for one hour during the full moon.)
Being married to a (particular) romance writer is indeed wonderful but when people find out what your wife does many of them immediately have certain…expectations.
First there are the questions about the love scenes - always from guys – “Hey, tell me about the sex. Do you really do what she writes in the book?”. I’ve heard it so many times I’ve come up with standard answers so usually I don’t mind.
Then, usually from the ladies, you encounter the assumption that you’re some kind of expert on romance and they want you to reform their husband. Often with him standing there. His reaction generally involves an uncomfortable smile, a simple eye roll, mock retching sounds, or a glare that says “wait until recess buddy…I’m gonna kick you from one end of the playground to the other”.
Thanks.
Trust me. I’m no expert. What I am is a (more or less) regular guy who loves and respects his wife and who happens to be in a position to see behind the scenes of two subjects that most men supposedly know nothing about. Women and Romance.
I can’t give expert advice on either topic but I can offer a quick list of observations, opinions, and common sense. You’re welcome to them and feel free to share with guys in your lives who you think may benefit. (Just warn me if he’s heading toward the playground with a glare on his face.)
1. Romance DOES NOT equal sex.
2. Romance in its simplest form is no more than making someone feel special. Giving them complete attention and making them feel that there is no place you’d rather be and no one you’d rather be with. If you know the person this is a piece of cake. It involves very little effort and costs nothing but time.
3. Courtesy, consideration and respect. Always. You give it to people you work with, friends, strangers on the street. You can give it first and foremost to someone you love.
4. Emerson said “Don’t say things. What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary.” That’s an eloquent way of saying actions speak louder than words. If you’re going to talk the talk, walk the walk.
5. In a relationship, when in doubt, Ladies First are words to live by. It works on so many levels.
6. In general. Men are National Hot Rod Association. Quarter mile track, lights flash, burn rubber, race to the finish, and pop goes the chute. Women are NASCAR. 500 laps and dangerous turns. You would do well to remember which track you’re on.
7. Preventive maintenance. You remember to service your car and your lawn mower. Remember to regularly service your relationship.
8. A review of some of the more important female erogenous zones: the bathroom, the kitchen, your bedroom, the laundry hamper, the trash can and recycling bin, the toilet seat lid. Whether you helped add to the mess or not, help clean it. You get credit for being considerate and she has less stress. Good combination.
9. This is a tough one for guys but…communicate. It heads off misunderstandings and pent up resentments. Learn to listen without interrupting.
10. Flowers from roadside flower vendors and foot rubs…for no reason.
Thanks for having me. I have to run. Leslie’s birthday is this week and I have work to do.
Hey Bruce, what a great post! Believe it or not, THIS is why you are on the list of top romantic men. You essentially “walk the walk”. Respecting women, making your wife feel special, talking to her - all that equates to romantic. You seem to take the adage “anything worth having is worth working for” to heart, and women appreciate that. A LOT. Why shouldn’t a marriage/partnership be a constant work-in-progress, always evolving and getting better? Personally I think a lot of people - men & women - think once the vows are said, that’s it, work’s done. So not true.
The cool thing, too, is that after reading this blog over the last 2 years, we know that Leslie knows how lucky she is, and sings your praises often. Not to brag, but because I think she knows that what she has is special and she appreciates you right back. She sets a great example for other women, letting us know that guys shouldn’t do all the work…just most of it *g*
Thanx guys - you’ve really put a smile on my face this morning.
Comment by Stacy ~ — January 22, 2008 @ 7:14 am
9. Communicate - boy that is a tough one. But not for hubby, for me. In the very beginning he stressed how important it was that we communicate. My father never communicates how he feels…ever…not even through body language. I’m a lot like Dad in that I didn’t verbalize it well, but my body language yells volumes.
So, hubby put a notepad on the bedside table and anytime something was bothering me I’d write it down, he’d see something written on it and then come to me and we’d talk it through. So silly, but oh so important in the beginning.
But now I’m a big girl, and I just wait at the kitchen door with a frying pan, and he gets the message rigt away that somethings off! Thanks for being here, Bruce, and I’m gonna check out your blog next!!!
Good luck, Leslie. Carly, hope you’re doing better. Another idea, get Windows Vista - it has voice recognition. And isn’t too teribly difficult to figure out.
Comment by Jodie — January 22, 2008 @ 8:48 am
Great blog this morning and totally unexpected! What a nice surprise to wake up to!
I can think of a LOT of men who could use your advice, observations… not only about how to be a romantic husband but about how to be a good man in a relationship with a woman.
Unfortunately there are many women out there in less than desirable situations with children involved who are either too scared to leave for fear of losing their life–in regard to abusive relationships or their pride won’t let them–where there is no abuse but announcing to the world they are getting a divorce is something they just can’t face. What would everybody think?
Before anyone starts throwing things at me I certainly understand that there are women who stay in unhappy marriages for lots of reasons other than the ones I’ve mentioned above including financial, their kids, etc. I’m generalizing here not pointing fingers, condemning or talking specifics so no rotten tomatoes–Please!
I thank God everyday for my own husband. I’m so lucky. He is not only a wonderful husband but a fantastic father as well. I wasn’t so lucky growing up and I’m doubly thankful that Mike and I have given our daughter a loving and very happy home. Sounds like we’re both perfect doesn’t it? :giggle:
Far from it. We’ve been married for 18 1/2 years and we’ve certainly had our moments but mutual respect, loving kindness, a sense of humor–being able to laugh at ourselves and the situation–and our daughter, who is special needs has helped our marriage to grow strong and evolve through the years, standing the test of time. My husband also vacuums, cleans up the kitchen, does laundry, cooks and yes brings flowers on occasion…he has even brought me a simple vase filled with gorgeous Dendrobium orchids. I think it was a Tuesday…
He is my #1 cheerleader when it comes to writing. His undying support, words of advice and wisdom keeps me going, helps me to keep believing.
Thank you, Bruce for taking the time to blog here today.
Plotmonkeys, how is Carly doing? Let us know.
Have a great day all,
Cher
Comment by Cher — January 22, 2008 @ 9:23 am
I love the comparison to NASCAR!! How true it is. Although, sometimes the Hot Rod Association isn’t so bad either.
Leslie is so lucky to have you watching her back so she can get her work done. ON the other hand, if my hubby took away my internet access so I could get some work done… he would be met at the door with Jodie’s frying pan!! But then the only deadlines I have to worry about happen at Thanksgiving and Christmas and the house needs cleaning.
Hubby has always had a hard time communicating. I’m Sicilian. No problem figuring out what I need to say. Holding back is not in my DNA. Makes for some interesting communications around here.
So just how do you top a Pirate on Valentines Day?? (Insert dirty minded comments here)
Comment by ev — January 22, 2008 @ 9:26 am
Good morning! As Leslie said, she’s full book crunch mode and I’ve pulled the plug on the internet so not only do you get me blogging but you also get me commenting all day. I’d liek you to know that my dear wife didn’t tell me she was putting up the pirate picture. Thanks honey. :arrr:
Thank you Stacy. I do try to walk the walk but every once in a while I get distracted by shiny objects and get off track. You’re right, it very much is a work in progress and it doesn’t stop with the vows. People change. Honestly I think that’s a key issue. Fearing that change in your partner and in your relationship. Natural insecurities about where it’s going to go.
You’re also right about men not having to do all the work. Many of the things on that list are unisex. And something that a lot of women don’t realize - if you have a romantic man, he probably likes to receive as well as give the romance.
Jody, the notepad by the bed is a terrific idea! What a creative solution. Leslie and I weren’t great at the communication either. We never yelled and had fights. Instead we both got really quiet and didn’t talk at all. We’ve gotten better. We pretty much know when one of us is bothered about something. One rule is that when asked what it is we’re not allowed to say “Nothing”. I’m not sure what I’d say if she were holding a frying pan.
I suggested voice recognition software to Leslie for this crop of typing wounded yesterday. My goodness, what is this, full contact romance writing? Actually that sounds kinda fun…
No tomato throwing here Cher. There are indeed a lot of women in bad situations. I’ve known some. Everyone has to do what’s right for them and for their kids in each unique situation. Having three daughters, believe me, women’s issues are very important to me. Not to plug my own blog but I wrote a post a couple of months ago about how important it is to me to be an example for them and to nurture their self esteem. If you’re interested http://quixotichierophant.blogspot.com/2007/09/raise-bar.html
You sound like you’ve got a good guy. There are some of us around regardless of how we’re portrayed on TV.
Hey Ev. I’m half Italian. My grandfather was Sicilian, right off the boat. I grew up in an extended Italian family. It was loud. I’m also half Irish and I think I mostly took after my dad.
How does one top a pirate on Valentine’s Day? Hmm…announce in a loud clear voice “Prepare to be boarded!”…after that you’d have to ask Leslie.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 10:26 am
One shouldn’t proof read comments AFTER clicking submit. My fingers are dyslexic.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 10:29 am
Thank you Bruce for making remember what a wonderful husband I have. Your list is outstanding and my hubbie falls under your category of romantic. Leslie and I are both extremely lucky to have found such wonderful men to share our love with.
Comment by Patty L. — January 22, 2008 @ 10:41 am
Hey, Bruce! It’s always a treat to have you swinging by in the jungle. Thanks for taking over for Les today so she can crank out the latest and greatest book!
Great blog, BTW. I have a husband who isn’t outwardly romantic, and I’m okay with that because he has so many other great qualities that I adore. I’ve found that the little things he does for me are just as romantic as getting flowers, such as, going and filling my car with gas when I least expect it, or doing stuff around the house that i need him to do, surprising me by bringing home a Starbucks drink for me, understanding when I need 8 hours of uninterrupted writing time, etc. I don’t need grand gestures — it’s truly the small stuff that makes me feel loved . . . and very lucky to have a husband like Don.
Jodi — I love the notepad story. Your husband is a very smart man, because truly, communication is probably the most important thing making a marriage work for the long haul. You have to talk things out instead of letting them fester and building resentment. And communicating has to go both ways — and it sounds like you have no problem with that now!
Comment by Janelle — January 22, 2008 @ 11:49 am
Thank you very much Patty.
Hey Janelle! Thanks for having me here. I know Don’s a great guy. It’s a shame we’re on different coasts, I’d like to spend more time with him. Hey, maybe we have to have Plotmonkey Husband’s weekends…
Actually it sounds to me like he is very outwardly romantic. It doesn’t have to be all flowers and candy. Like you said, small stuff. I actually think small stuff means more (and not because I’m being cheap). I could add to number 2, letting her/him know you’re thinking of them even when you’re not with them and without being reminded. When I was in MD and Les was in FL it was amazing what a simple email from her that said “Good morning, I love you” did to help me keep it together.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 12:36 pm
Bruce, Thanks for stopping by. It’s clear that both you & Leslie are so lucky to have found each other, & continue to make certain that your love will remain by working hard at it. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a guy in my life, but, I’ve always felt the greatest trait in one is that he actually opens up about himself to her. It’s amazing how many men can’t.
Leslie, it looks as if you have lots of nice surprises for your upcoming birthday. Hope it’s a great day, & year.
Patricia A.
Comment by Patricia — January 22, 2008 @ 1:01 pm
It’s easy to blame the man when the romance seems to be waning in a relationship. But I have to say gals, when I pick up the baton and do something romantic or take the initiative
it seems to have a galvanizing effect on him (or maybe he recognizes a nudge when he feels it) It gets harder to remember the longer you’re married but when you do, it’s one of those duh, head thunk moments and a ‘why don’t we do this all the time?’. After 15 years of marriage it’s the little things that count. I even put a sign above our bed that says “Always kiss me goodnight”. Romance goes both ways. 
Comment by Beth — January 22, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
Bruce, thanks for the link. Great blog. I also checked out the links for finding the name of a band, title of album and cover. The answers I got were a kick.
Name of band: A/UX - (Apple Unix)
Album Title: “Growth of Plastic Flowers”
Album Cover: Pic of a woman making a gesture on I think a European street. The street looks like brown wrapping paper that’s been crumpled and smoothed out.
Cher
Comment by Cher — January 22, 2008 @ 1:33 pm
Bruce, thanks for posting today! You and Leslie are clearly terrific together–thanks for being an example for the rest of us what a fun-loving, loving couple can be
Best wishes with the birthday plans! I’m sure you’ll think of something!
Oh, and love the list–excellent points all!
Comment by Fedora — January 22, 2008 @ 1:52 pm
Bruce, tell Leslie she is married to a genius.
Everything you stated is right on the money.
Maybe you should pen it all together and sell it as a husband guide.
It would make a great gift for the husband to be.
:
Comment by Gigi — January 22, 2008 @ 2:03 pm
Bruce,
Great post. Not because you wrote about romance and the guy but because you care enough to understand. Reading them I kept thinking this is my favorite, then I read the next one and said nope, it’s this one. I loved them all. Now the NASCAR one…that’s just plain brilliant!
Comment by Vicki — January 22, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
A great post….I don’t know what else to say that hasn’t already been said….
Comment by katie — January 22, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
Patricia, you’re right. Really, in spite of stereotypes I’ve known some women that were hard to get to know as well. But in general getting a guy to open up isn’t an easy thing. I think for guys my age (dangerously close to 5-0) and older it’s hard because of the example we had. My dad was one of the “greatest generation”. They didn’t talk. They did, and sucked it up, and did some more.
Shhh. Can’t talk about Leslie’s birthday. She gets her internet back at 4.
Here, here Beth. It truly is teamwork. It has to be. I quote from Kahil Gibran’s The Prophet a lot but the passages on love and marriage are worth quoting. “Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.” One sided will work for a while but not forever. It ends up being a road to resentment.
And I do indeed know what you mean about those “head thunk” moments. Leslie and I do it too. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the minutia and let important long-term things slide.
Thank’s Cher. I’m glad you liked it. Yeah, that album cover thing was pretty fun. I really liked the way mine turned out. You ended up with a really good one too. I don’t usually like those meme things that go around the blogs but every once in a while there’s a good one. There was one where you had to write a letter to yourself at 13 that I got tagged with. Hated the idea at first but ended up happy with the results.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
Hi Bruce
Thanks for taking time to blog with us today. As Stacy said a very romantic thing to do.
In my opinion its the little every day things that mean the most. When my husband and I got married (a lifetime ago) he really surprised me with all the little things he did to show he cared, and now all these years later I still feel really blessed!
The most important gift you can give someone is your time.
Comment by Tina Martinesi — January 22, 2008 @ 2:18 pm
Fedora, you’ve hit the nail squarely on the head! Leslie & I are terrific…together. It’s not me or her, it’s us. I’ve told Leslie this before but she doesn’t believe me. Before I met her - I wasn’t even in the same state as terrific.
Gigi, funny you should mention that.
Thanks Vicki. I emailed the blog to Leslie last night. She was reading it before posting (to make sure I didn’t say anything stupid) and I heard her laugh. When she was finished I asked her what made her laugh. Yep, it was the one about NASCAR.
Thanks Katie, I appreciate the kind words.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 2:30 pm
Hi Tina, I’m happy to be here. You’re right, it is the little things. And what you said about time is so true. The fact that we all have an unknown finite amount of it and that we can never get any more makes it one of, if not the most valuble thing we have.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
Comment by Jodie — January 22, 2008 @ 3:47 pm
Thanks for blogging with us today Bruce. I love that you really walk the walk to help keep your relationship going strong. Love the one about NASCAR, it is so true!!!
Comment by Liza — January 22, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
Oops. Sorry Jodie. :oops: Wow, Pepsi’s gotta burn.
Thanks Liza. I do try. It looks like I’m going to have to copyright that NASCAR thing.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 5:02 pm
Great post Bruce!
Comment by Estella — January 22, 2008 @ 5:11 pm
Wahoo–I have the internet back!
But boo…I can’t stay. Still have way too much to do. But I wanted to pop in and say “great job, honey!” So glad everybody was okay with letting a boy come and play in the jungle today.
And Bruce has talked about writing a book. I’m hoping the blogging and visits like this mean he’s actually going to finish it!
Comment by Leslie — January 22, 2008 @ 5:22 pm
Hi Bruce! Loved your post today.
You really should write a book. I married my high school sweatheart and he is still my sweatheart after 18 years of marriage! Just a smile from him makes my day. I think he’d agree with you on all of your points. And I’m extremely lucky that he’s always thinking of me and doing little things for me. I try to do the same for him. The best thing is he makes me laugh all the time and there’s nothing better than curling up with him on the couch at the end of the day. (Well, there is something better, but I can’t write that 
)
Thanks for subbing for Leslie today! And Leslie, happy writing!
Comment by Robin — January 22, 2008 @ 5:38 pm
Thanks Estella!
Hi honey! Thanks for asking me to sub for you. It’s been great. I suppose I need to think about getting back to that WIP soon. And speaking of WIP, get back to work you. Lay some pages down, you need to be able to play and be pampered at the end of the week.
Hi Robin and thank you. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to hear you and others today talk about your husbands and marriages like that. There are a lot of schmucks out there that give the good ones a bad name so the good ones fly under the radar. Leslie will tell you, you don’t want to get me started on the portrayal of idiot husbands on TV.
Well, I’m getting ready for the commute home. Yes, I have been doing this from the office today. Your government tax dollars at work. I’ll check back in later when I get home.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 6:14 pm
Hi Bruce,
What a great post! There are a lot of men that could benefit by reading what you posted. #6 made me laugh out loud but it is so true! My marriage ended in a divorce, fought to keep it together but looking back realize I should have let him go sooner. Since that very unhappy experience I have only had one relationship that was mostly just fun & somewhat brief, we are still friends. As I have grown older & wiser I decided to never settle again for a relationship that was not good for me, therefore I have been single for longer than I care to think about! My take is that you & Leslie are not lucky but fortunate to have met, fallen in love & marry. To keep the love alive & getting better is a statement that you are caring people that have grown & learned together.
I can’t wait to hear what you do for Leslie’s birthday, at least the part she can share!
Thanks so much for blogging with us today. I hope you will do it again sometime. Oh yes, as a father of 3 daughters they are very fortunate to have such a good guy, father & husband as a role model. They will know not to settle for anything less than what is good for them.
Have a great evening. Leslie, thanks for sharing Bruce with us today. Good luck finishing your book.
Bruce, I am going to check out your blog.
Comment by Donna M — January 22, 2008 @ 7:41 pm
Thank you Donna, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I truly enjoyed doing it and being here today. I’m glad you’ve made it through. It’s hard when you’re in the middle of rough times to realize that you’ll be okay on the other side. After you are and you gain some perspective you can learn from it. Not settling is a huge message.
You’re welcome at my blog any time, I hope you enjoy it.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 8:29 pm
Jodie- I agree. It should have come with a spew alert. Thankfully, I wasn’t drinking anything at the time!!
Comment by ev — January 22, 2008 @ 10:47 pm
Hey, Bruce! Awesome post…sorry I didn’t check in until late. Like Leslie…the clock is ticking.
Comment by Julie Leto — January 22, 2008 @ 11:26 pm
Hi Bruce,
I’ve been reading the comments throughout the day, and wanted to let you know I loved your post. Haha - and yes, the NASCAR analogy as well.
I hope you do write a book!
Comment by JSL — January 22, 2008 @ 11:47 pm
Ev, I’m glad I didn’t get your computer screen wet.
Hey Julie, thank you. Missed ya. I do understand the whole deadline thing so don’t worry, we’ve been having fun today. And you get back to work too.
Well guys, I suppose that about wraps it up for today. I had a ball. Thanks for letting me hang out in the jungle and thank you for the great conversation and all the kind words. Back to stealth mode.
Comment by Bruce — January 22, 2008 @ 11:48 pm
Great post! If you don’t want to give pointers to, uh, other guys, are we allowed to print this out and post it in a, uh, conspicuous place?
Leslie, sounds like you are indeed one blessed lady because he is a special guy. May you two be together until.
Comment by PatriciaW — January 23, 2008 @ 12:11 am
Hello JSL and PatriciaW, sorry I missed you last night. You guys tip-toed in after I went to bed. Thank you both for the compliments.
JSL, I’ll see what I can do about that book. I actually started a project (starting I’m really good at) back when I moved for the new job and Les was still in Florida. Time to dust it off.
Sounds like a couple of people might read it.
Patricia by all means, feel free to post it. I can’t promise results and if I ever meet him I’ll be looking out for that glare.
Comment by Bruce — January 23, 2008 @ 9:46 am
Hi Bruce,
Very thoughtful post. It’s nice to hear the other side.
What else has Leslie had you dress up as?
Hugs, Danette
Comment by danette — January 23, 2008 @ 5:48 pm
Hi Danette. Thanks for coming by and reading. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I’ve been know to dress up like a cowboy every now and then. And of course there’s my black kilt. And that’s not even considering Halloween.
Comment by Bruce — January 23, 2008 @ 11:07 pm