A Word About Thanks
The party is over.
Everyone had a good time, or at least, I think they did. I never really get to spend much time at my daughter’s birthday party doing much interacting with anyone, which is the part I dislike most. I’m always running around, checking the food, watching the clock, organizing the events, etc. and I don’t get to visit with guests, sit back and watch the kids play, and generally do the things I’d love to do, but would cost a well-oiled party for 40-50 people that I’m famous for giving. I learned from a master–my mother–but she does manage to socialize more than I do. Cest le vie. It’s the way it goes.
One thing that I did get done tonight was to print out the thank you cards for my daughter to write. By print out, I mean, I designed my own invitations and cards this year because she picked a theme that was hard to find. SHE, however, being 10 now, (YIKES!) will be writing her own thank-you notes. She’s pretty excited about this. I’m ambivalent.
I’m not a big believer in thank-you notes–at least, not when everyone that sent you a gift is standing there when you open it and you say thank you on the spot. I grew up in a family that is very close-knit. Christmas and birthdays were peopled with all the people who bought you a present, so the thank-you happened on the spot. Hug, kiss, thanks. Usually before you moved on to the next present.
My daughter was very good about this today and I was really proud. She loved all her presents and made an appropriate big deal about each and every one, seeking out every giver whether child or adult (or combination of both) and ensuring that they knew how much she loved their gift.
But social graces dictate that she write a thank-you note.
And I’ll be honest, I’m letting her do it because I know it’s a good lesson to learn–but I really think it’s stupid.
Stupid is a harsh word. Overkill is more like it.
I could see her writing a note to her godfather, who lives out of state and sent her present in the mail…but even then, I prefer she pick up the phone and call him. He’s a great guy and I know the conversation will mean more to him than any note scribbled on paper. He’ll get to ask her details about the party itself, find out more about what she’s doing lately and more than likely pepper the conversation with information about his own children, who are both around my daughter’s age–one a few days older, one two years younger.
Isn’t that better?
Why does tradition dictate that notes are required? I’m not entirely sure, but I’d like to hear theories. And when you send a gift to someone and you aren’t there when they open it, would you prefer a call or a note? And if you’re there and they express thanks in person, do you require a written note?
Just curious…and exhausted. I may sleep until Thursday.
Tradition probably dictates it because writing was around long before phones and the internet. I only do them when I have to. Heck, I haven’t even finished my Xmas cards yet. The gift that keeps on giving.
:cold: and it is supposed to get colder. And then a thaw next week. I can’t keep up. Should I shovel or let it melt?
I am off to work. ick. I would rather stay in bed and sleep for another week.
I spent the day cleaning my craft room out so I could repaint and organize it. I found Xmas presents I had bought in May and June hidden behind stuff. Only one was a duplicate. LOL
Have a good day everyone!!
Comment by ev — January 2, 2008 @ 7:32 am
I like giving and getting thank-you cards. I don’t know that it’s necessary, especially if someone does acknowledge the gift (or whatever) and expresses thanks verbally, but it is nice to have a short, hand-written note that someone took the time to compose. It’s a thoughtful gesture more than anything.
I guess in this day and age when people and things can be taken for granted, it’s just a nice thing to get a little note of appreciation. Something so simple can mean a lot, especially to older generations.
Comment by Stacy ~ — January 2, 2008 @ 7:51 am
I have always had my daughters send them to people out of state. I think it is good practice since they have very few times to even write a LETTER. Plus her grandparents are older so I know they believe in them even more. I have always gotten positive feedback from people over how rare and lovely it is that the girls do this.
Comment by kriss — January 2, 2008 @ 8:18 am
I’ve always made my kids write thank you notes because I was made to write them. But I do agree with the overkill part, especially if its family and they were with you when you opened the gift. And you can always tell when they were chained to the table and forced to write them because they sound like this: Thank you for the “whatever”. I plan to use it “how.” That’s it…they don’t really mean it, they just know they can’t go play until it’s done.
But I do have a funny story regarding them. Son #1 was about 10 and a horrible, horrible speller. We have a family member named Virginia but he wrote the note to “Vagina.”
I made him completely rewrite it (so I could keep the mis-spelled one for future comic relief.) I gave it to him about a year ago and he thought it was hysterical.
Glad the party went well. Hope you get a much deserved rest!
Comment by Jodie — January 2, 2008 @ 9:33 am
I am a big believer in ‘thank you’ cards even if the person is right there. I totally agree with you when it comes to out of town guests, but that always requires my sons to get on the phone (which they don’t do). I guess I just think that kids these days “expect” things and instead should realize that things are not “owed’ to them. My SIL and BIL (they are in their 20s and 30s) still believe that things are ‘owed’ to them, not that it is something that they should be grateful for (maybe, it is a generational thing). I always give my kids a month to complete the ‘thank yous’ (given that they are 7 with autism, 5 and not quite 3), I cut a little slack on the time limit.
Comment by katie — January 2, 2008 @ 9:38 am
My family is used to the old tradition of written thank-yous and they must be received within two weeks but definitely no longer than a month. My daughter does not like to do them because she does thank everyone in person. However, I do make her do them. But we only do them if they are invited over for a party. For instance, my birthday will come and I will get gifts from family members but I will thank them and not do a written one.
Comment by Michelle — January 2, 2008 @ 10:02 am
Okay, so…so far, I’m hearing we write thank yous because we were made to write them as kids or for the older generation…who honestly, were not at my daughter’s party.
Not hearing convincing arguments here, people!
I totally get them for weddings and other large events where you don’t get to see the person open the gifts…or even at kid’s birthday parties where they don’t open gifts (which is always a huge disappointment to my daughter who really likes to see the reaction of the person she’s given her gift to!) I’m just not convinced that this is necessary…and while my daughter is excited about this now, I’m sure in reality it’s going to be a struggle and I’d like her to understand.
:cold: I was really hoping I could go all winter without using that icon, but I can’t. It’s in the frickin forties and will be dropping into the twenties. Please don’t tell me how much colder it is where you live–I get it. But I’m in Florida. It’s not supposed to get cold!!!
Comment by Julie Leto — January 2, 2008 @ 10:33 am
Good morning jungle friends and
,
Jules you asked “Why does tradition dictate that notes are required? I’m not entirely sure, but I’d like to hear theories. And when you send a gift to someone and you aren’t there when they open it, would you prefer a call or a note? And if you’re there and they express thanks in person, do you require a written note?”
My response would be that the writing of notes hark back to the rules of etiquette, maybe…It was one way to show that you had “class,” which distinguishes who has what and who doesn’t…my mind is back in the beginning of the 20th century, so forgive me here…
When I send a gift and am not present, I wouldn’t mind getting a phone call, but I feel that a note is so much more personal…the person takes the time to sit and formulate their thoughts just so that their heartfelt thanks can be displayed…(remember, I am back in the early 20th century here)
On the other hand, if I am present when they open the gift I accept that hugs and the thanks…I don’t feel that there is a need for a note at that point…
I will check in again later…
Peace and love,
Paula R.
Comment by Paula R. — January 2, 2008 @ 10:47 am
I’m with Julie, and I’ll be honest I don’t make my kids do it for Birthdays or Christmas. If we have a more formal occasion like Communions, or Graduations then I do have them send out a note and usually a photo to commemorate the day.
As for me I’d much rather get the hug and kiss and real live thank you then a card that someone really didn’t want to write.
Comment by Tina Martinesi — January 2, 2008 @ 11:01 am
Among many of the mothers of my daughter’s friends I’m considered to be an old fogey because my daughter has to write thank you notes for gifts. ( Yes, one mom said that directly to me.) Not only does she have to write a thank you she has to write more than “Thank you for the _____. I like it.” Sometimes she draws thank you cards with a picture of her using the gift.
Why do I make her do it? Partly because she’s an only child and I want her to become a caring person. Writing thank you’s makes her stop and think about why she likes the gift and how much time and effort often went in to getting it for her. It’s a chance for her to think about all the people she has in her life who care about her, who are part of our “family” by choice. And it’s a chance for her to let them know how important they all are to her. For instance, our elderly neighbor has no children or grandchildren and has always treated my daughter like a granddaughter. Thank you letters and cards are cherished, left on the refrigerator and shown off to her friends. They’re proof that she’s part of a family. The same goes for the daughter of a friend whom the munchkin calls her “emergency sister.” Those thank you’s remind her that she’s part of our family too and we’re very happy she is.
Is the munchkin becoming more caring? I think so. In November she organized her class and they wrote to the soldiers overseas–thank you letters because “they can hold them and read them a bunch of times.”
Okay, I have to get off the soap box now. It’s cold up here!
Comment by Darlene — January 2, 2008 @ 11:03 am
Tina, I’m with you…for formal situations, I can see it. But when the gift giver is right there, I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around it.
Darlene, your reasoning is compelling. I can see your point and I think a little sacrifice will go a long way. And believe me, it’s a sacrifice for my daughter. Writing is a struggle for her (and yes, I know the irony there is fantastic.) She reads a grade and a half above her level–same with math and science–but she struggles to write. So I hope those that get the notes appreciate them!
I like getting them…don’t get me wrong. But I’m not one to notice if someone didn’t send a thank-you unless I wasn’t there to give the gift myself. Like if I send the gift…it’s really the only way you know it arrived. But a phone call works fine for me. I’m easy.
Comment by Julie Leto — January 2, 2008 @ 11:12 am
Not sure if a person’s social status affect the thank you card or not. My family is from the south and very blue collar, farmers, etc. We never did thank you cards as kids.
As an adult, I do try to do them and have my kids do them, because of reading about them.
Not a big priority for me if we are close, or the person/people were present. However, I have noticed that to some of my older friends and church members this is a HUGE deal. They actually note if a thank you card was not received.
I personally think they are kinda silly. But, I am a huge people pleaser and so there ya go.
Comment by debb — January 2, 2008 @ 11:57 am
I’ve never had my kids do them for birthday party gifts. And out of town presents from relatives got phone call thank yous. But they have done them for communion, graduation, etc. Except, of course, my oldest graduated just as we were starting to pack up our house for our big move 2 years ago…and some of the cards she’d already written out ended up in a box. Which she opened about a month ago.
Le sigh.
Comment by Leslie — January 2, 2008 @ 12:01 pm
im not big on them and dont expect them for christmas gifts or birthday etc.. the only time i did them was graduations and weddings… the big stuff.. and when my kids open gifts right there in front of the people like for christmas they say thank you right there.. i only expect to get one for a wedding or graduation gift..so i dont make my family do it either… maybe im not up on my social graces..lol
Comment by Jolene — January 2, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
Good morning all,
I always write thank you notes because I was taught to do it but also because I like writing them. I even write bread and butter notes when I’ve been to a party–like yesterday for instance–or to someone’s house for dinner or a barbecue..
I even write thank you notes to editors and agents who have rejected my work or to any who I had an appointment with at a conference or to the “editor who shall remain nameless” who has stuck with me this long while I continue to fumble around trying to write for Blaze.
I’ve even written thank you notes to my husband just for “ally oop” - not the cartoon. It’s something my step-dad used to say–”something for nothing”.
So I’m really big on notes, I love writing notes.
Hope everyone had a great New Years and are looking forward to 2008!
Cher
Comment by Cher — January 2, 2008 @ 12:37 pm
Julie:
My oldest (with autism) can’t write (as in use a pencil/paper), but he has learned how to type…so, this year (I will let you know how this works because we are doing some this afternoon!) I decided why not have him type a thank you and put a picture from the internet (or you can use a picture of her with the gift/enjoying the gift, etc).
I’ll let you know how that works, plus, it is part of his school goals (to write a paragraph on topic). I will let you know how it goes
Comment by katie — January 2, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
At my wedding, there were presents from friends/distant kin on the in-laws’ side. Some were at the wedding, some weren’t. I didn’t know them, and haven’t met them since. At the time, DH and I were stationed overseas, but we traveled to his hometown to be “churched”, so there are some logistical problems. But I was unable to write these people thank you notes because I didn’t have their addresses. I even gave my m-i-l a list of people to whom I owed thank you’s, asking her to provide me with their addresses (she had to have those addresses to send out the invites that would’ve prompted the gifts in the first place). But she never responded. Twenty years later, I still feel like crap and continue to wonder what those people must think of me because they didn’t get a thank you note from me.
I feel somewhat relieved to finally get that off my chest to someone besides DH (who seems to be just as clueless about these things as his mom).
Comment by Karen Lingefelt — January 2, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
No arguements from me, Julie. I think that there WAS a time and a place for hand-written thank-you’s (like someone said, before phone, internet, etc), but I don’t think it’s necessary — so long as the thank you is acknowledged in some way. Like with a phone call or email — or both.
Rest up, Julie! You have a plotting weekend to come to next weekend and we need you fiesty and energetic!
Comment by Janelle — January 2, 2008 @ 1:38 pm
Okay, a wedding or big event is the exception. Those DO need personal hand written thank-you’s.
Comment by Janelle — January 2, 2008 @ 1:40 pm
i really like thank you notes.
I think there are different kinds for different situations.
Stay at someones house for a few days, send them a thank you.
Recieve a gift from someone from afar, a thank you- either paper or email or phone call is appropriate.
Recieve a gift from someone who is over 70, send a handwritten (if possible) note
my grandma has been known to pass around my thank yous and cards at the pool, and my bf’s mom had the thank you i sent for having me stay for a few days displayed on the fridge. it’s always nice to see that the extra effort is appreciated.
Comment by Cail — January 2, 2008 @ 1:56 pm
I think you need to write a thank you note for the big events, but for birthdays and Christmas, as long as you thank the person either in person or over the phone/email, I think everything is good.
Comment by Liza — January 2, 2008 @ 1:56 pm
I guess I fall into the mostly love thank you notes, too–I enjoy receiving them, especially if I wasn’t there when the gift was opened. I do note if I don’t receive one and it was a relatively significant gift–that totally says rude to me, and right or wrong, I’m less inclined to feel generous towards that person in the future.
I’m encouraging my kids to write notes for their gifts (writing notes at this point usually means filling in the appropriate blanks on those kid-cards) because I want them to understand that showing thankfulness is a good thing, and I’d rather they be too thankful than not enough.
As everyone else mentioned, I don’t mind as much if the thanks was already given in person and with heart, but otherwise, notes are a good thing
Comment by Fedora — January 2, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
I absolutely think that thank-you notes are essential to good manners. I can remember coloring “thank-you” before I could write it. I was raised to follow that tradition, and are encouraging my sons to do the same. My boys always say thank you when they open their gifts, but taking the time to reflect while writing a note is more personal. It is just as personal as the time, effort, and thoughts that went into choosing a gift for him.
I am aware that each family does things differently. I also realize that manners everywhere you look are lacking. If a family as a whole decides notes are not warranted, then if you belong in that family it’s ok. But for outsiders who have not come to the same agreement–notes are necessary.
While Christmas thank-yous have gone by the wayside for a majority, I find they are lacking when it comes to weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries. I find a lack of a thank-you as unappreciative. I also find it offensive. While for some it is just a have-to, I believe it is a practice in patience, reflection, and thoughtfulness. After all the ridiculous amounts of time and money people spend on Christmas gifts, $1.00 note card and .50 cents to mail it is a small price to pay for the happiness that the receiver enjoys amidst the piles of bills that loom in the New Year.
Thank-you for your time!
Amy
Comment by Amy Potter — January 2, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
Well, here is my humble opinion! On New Year’s Eve day I received a thank you note, handwritten, not fill in the blanks, from my only granddaughter, now 9 yers. old. I was thrilled & will probably be reading it several times. A phone call would have also been okay but I couldn’t take it out & read whenever I wanted. There is just something about a written note that makes the receiver feel good about giving a gift. My daughter has always done thank you’s for the gifts I send the kids. They have always lived in another state. I’ve been there at times for a birthday & 1 Christmas, no thank you note needed then but I have loved receiving them over the years. When they were to little to write their name she would let them draw on the card after she wrote me a note. They are treasures. Isn’t that what Grandma’s do, treasure the grandkids? Thank you notes are a must for a wedding gift or graduation but not always recieved. I get very irriated if I don’t get a thank you note for a wedding present. Too often these days that does not happen. Some social graces should be carried on instead of the impersonal way people tend to be now days. I love the internet but it is more impersonal than that handwritten note. Why, I’m not sure it just is! Sometimes things don’t have to make sense it just is!
Good subject for today’s blog. Julie, I hope you get some rest. A Plotmonkey weekend! Where are you all going? Inquiring minds want to know!!!
I understand about the cold. I’m in northern California & we are having cold weather for us, the sunshine is nice but those nights down in the 30’s are killer for me! I’m so tired of cold feet!! I keep telling myself to remember this for next summer when it is in the 90’s & I don’t like it!!! :cold:
Everyone have a great day as we all get back into some kind of normal routine! Whatever your normal might be!
Jodie, I loved the story about your son misspelling the name Virginia!
Okay, seems I’ve been a bit long winded today! I’ll get off the computer now!!
Comment by Donna M — January 2, 2008 @ 3:34 pm
The short answer: Someone spent time getting you a gift. The least you can do is spend a little time writing to acknowledge their gift, their efforts, the gesture or their time. A handwritten note is a personal gesture, much like giving a gift.
A verbal thank you is nice. Would you be happy with a verbal gift? (try to read that in a non-snarky tone)
Etiquette still demands that it be a handwritten note. Again, the personal touch. There are many outdated bits of etiquette but, I think the thank you note still belongs in modern society.
Comment by ThatBrunette — January 2, 2008 @ 4:00 pm
I taught both my kids to write thank you notes to people like their grandparents and so forth. Basically, anyone who would be sending the gift from out of town. Like you, when we are together we say it then, along with a hug, kiss, or both.
That said, I did have them send out thank you notes for b-day gifts. One reason, was the kids loved receiving, the parents felt like they were thanked in a sense (because the parents have to go and get the gift), and it made my kids look good.
That was probaby not the best reason to do it and it wasn’t the main one but it was a little bit of one.
Comment by Vicki — January 2, 2008 @ 5:10 pm
I don’t think thank you cards are necessary if the giver is present when the gift is opened and they are thanked at that time.
I much prefer a phone call to a note in the mail.
Comment by Estella — January 2, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
You know…getting the thank-you to the parents is the most compelling argument I’ve heard so far. Some parents were there, but not all and it will be nice to get an acknowledgement of the gift.
Remember, too, btw, that kids no longer go home empty-handed from birthday parties. They get a nice “favor”…I’ve often spent $5 a kid on just favors, not to mention the fact that I fed and watered and entertained their child for four or more hours. Anyway, she’s writing the notes…and I do like the idea of her letting the parents know that she appreciated their shopping and expense.
Comment by Julie Leto — January 2, 2008 @ 6:07 pm
Recognizing someone’s thoughtfullness is always a nice touch!
I think if the people are present and get a hug and a kiss it could
be enough. I was brought up to send them and I stilll do.
Mom said if someone spent time shopping for you,
a little thank-you was the proper thing to do!
Hugs are ok by me though.
Leslie,
I read your latest book, One Wild Wedding Night” yesterday and you
outdid yourself! I have heard it is really difficult to make the shorter
stories. You did a really good job.
I loved the way you made each story special and yet connected them.
It was a page turner and I thoroughly enjoyed every page.
Zoey and I give it 2 thumbs UP
Comment by zoey and jeannie — January 2, 2008 @ 7:27 pm
Let’s see I make sure my son says Thank You when getting a birthday or Christmas present. I think I made him do Thank You cards once for the people at my mother’s job for buying something from his fundraiser which my sister in law had my 2 nieces do this year.
I’m with Julie, and I’ll be honest I don’t make my son do it for Birthdays or Christmas.
:cold: here in New England
Comment by Cherylann — January 2, 2008 @ 8:05 pm
I’m baaacccckkkk!!! :wreath:
I do believe in them for the big occassions, like weddings, graduations, etc. The ones I do enjoy getting, as sad as this is, is from the family of friends we have lost and we have either gone to the wake, sent flowers, or more likely a mass card.
But for presents when the giver is there, I don’t. And phone calls usually work fine for me or email thank yous.
I hate to write them.
Comment by ev — January 2, 2008 @ 8:13 pm
I totally agree with you as there is such a thing as over kill, especially when you had already said a big thank you in person. Until I receive a thank you card in the mail, myself. It always brings a smile to my face and then I put it up either on the TV cabinet or mantle for display for a couple of weeks. And then every time I see it, it reminds me how some one appreciated my gift and me for giving it to them. So maybe it does more then just say thank you. It saying your special. Of course, this might be me, as I can be a little weird.
Bobbie - from OCC
Comment by Bobbie Cimo — January 2, 2008 @ 10:14 pm
Happy New Year.
If I am not there to see them open it, I like a call over a thank you card. But a note will do also. If I see them open it, I dont need a thank you.
Same goes on my end re recg a gift. I often send thank yous tho’ even they saw me open gift. I will def. call or write a note to say my thank yous. Usually a call. Do unto others…..
:cold: :cold: :cold: :cold: :cold: :cold: :cold: :cold: :cold:
Comment by Pat L. — January 3, 2008 @ 1:16 am
Who dictates that a note is required. That went out years ago. I send lots of gifts in the mail and I get a phone call telling me they arrived and my great neices and nephews loved them - that’s it - final.
Like today when my oldest daughter got her goodies I made her for Christmas, listening to her exclaim over each and everything was more meaningful that a thank you note. Besides she CALLED - a miracle.
In a time with cell-phones, thank-you notes are out unless the person is not present or reachable otherwise.
Whow - 10 years old and all those people. I usually limited mine to 10 people at that age and that way I enjoyed all the kids as well.
Comment by Jane Squires — January 3, 2008 @ 3:53 am
My kids don’t do thank you notes, and they rarely received them — I think a verbal thank-you in person at a birthday party is fine, and for gifts that arrive by mail, a phone call or email is so much more immediate. But if we had older relatives who really valued them, then we’d send them.
Comment by Phyllis Towzey — January 3, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
your daughter reminds me of my next door neighbor she is 11, adela is her name, she is so sweet and nice. my mom gave her a shirt for christmas, and she made a big deal about it, oh thank you so much, i love it, it’s fantastic…………. my mom felt really good! LOL your daughter sounds great maybe she could teach my lil bro some things lol.
Happy New Years.
Comment by Amanda Dalon — January 4, 2008 @ 5:19 am
Comment by Kayzel — March 21, 2008 @ 7:49 pm