Help! My Mother-in-law is still here!
Bruce…you might not want to read this today. I’m talking about your mother.
Still reading?
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
For the rest of you…
My 84 or 83 year old mother-in-law is visiting (nobody knows her age for sure because she, umh, “fudged” about it for so long, she, herself has forgotten how old she is. No. That is not a joke.)
Anyway, she’s here for 2 weeks. I think she’s looking at this as a test run to see if we might invite her to live with us.
That might happen.
Of course, I also might wake up tomorrow and find out I’ve won the lottery, hit the New York Times list, and lost 40 pounds, my wrinkles and all my gray hair overnight.
Uh huh. That’ll all be taking place round about the same time.
It’s not that I don’t love her, because I do. I just love her more from a distance.
She can be very sweet, she’s always been very generous and has a good sense of humor. And she gave birth to the man I adore.
The main problem is, she’s a little nutty.
My kids are convinced she’s going to burn our house down so I can’t let her cook without supervision. She talks to herself constantly. Then she denies she ever said a thing (my oldest heard her telling somebody off in an empty room today.)
She can be very critical when your back is turned (this is the woman who told my sisters I was a complete pig many years ago…such love, can you stand it?)
And she has her own language. As in: “Middle child put her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug and told me she’s just SO happy to have me here.” (Meaning: you should invite me to live here forever and ever.)
Now, middle child is my little hard-ass so I had a problem believing that one at all. Here’s middle child’s version:
“She wouldn’t let me go! She threw her arms around me and asked if I was happy she was here and I said, ‘yeah.’ What was I supposed to do, tell her no?”
I make a pretty good living doing “that computer stuff” all day long, but I swear to God, she thinks I’m playing Solitaire (occasionally, and only Spider) or visiting Home Shopping or going to astrology sites all day. My nightly glass of wine makes me a drunk. My credit cards make me a financial drain on her son. The food in my pantry is making us all fat. I should really learn how to use the right knife to cut the meatloaf. I should learn to appreciate cutesy little “let’s be friends” décor that doesn’t match anything else in my house. I should cut my hair, make Bruce cut his, read less, watch the soaps more (I have been hiding in my room reading all week during her daily ABC soap gloms.)
When the kids are smirking over the latest criticism disguised as friendly advice, I smirk back and remind them (and Bruce) that I’m the only one in this house not related to her by blood. They all become very afraid. Then Bruce reminds me of my Dad and I realize we’re even. ‘Cause he’s a little nutty, too.
I think what drives me craziest is that she just doesn’t listen. Not that she can’t hear…she just does not listen, even if you’re answering a direct question. She just moves right along with her conversation, then pauses several minutes later and asks the same question you already answered. ARGH!
One week. She’s been here one week. With one more to go.
As for living with me? Hmm…maybe that would make me famous overnight.
After all, surely somebody would write a book about the romance writer whose mother-in-law drove her into the nuthouse!
Les, one thing to say. POOR YOU. We can count down with you. Is it now 6 days and counting?
Comment by Carly — July 30, 2007 @ 5:52 am
Criticism masked in friendly advice, I feel your pain because mine is like that too.
Comment by FeyRhi — July 30, 2007 @ 6:56 am
My MIL is famous for saying, “Don’t you want to…..” That’s how she starts off with her friendly advise. And 1/4 mile is close enough. I can’t imagine being in the same house. OK, well, I spent a weekend with them at the river about 6 weeks ago and I swore I’d never do it again, so yeah, I guess I can imagine.
Heaven help you!!! We’re here for you. Here’s some wine and chocolate to help get you through it!
Comment by Jodie — July 30, 2007 @ 7:42 am
Okay, I’ve been lurking here a looong time, but finally had to post.
Leslie, I think we married the same man! Or at least brothers, because my MIL is just like that. Maybe a little meaner. She’s the queen of passive-aggressive behavior. If anything ever happened to my FIL, I know she’d want to come live with us (SIL would say no way, so that leaves us!). Last time we visited them, we were having dinner out, and since I’m trying to lose weight, I got a salad and seafood bisque for dinner, proud of myself for not getting the fried shrimp I so wanted. She ordered a tiny shrimp salad, and only ate half of it, I guess to prove a point. Then, she commented that it’s no wonder I can’t lose weight, all I eat are carbs! Argh! And, she informed me I don’t exercise (which I do, and how would she know?!). She tells my DD that she’s fat (are you seeing a trend here?) and that all my children have no manners because they eat like pigs at restaurants (they’re KIDS!). Oh, and I don’t dress properly. Jeans and a t-shirt aren’t good enough for everday wear, even for a stay at home mom of three. I guess I’ve failed her in every way. Oh well. Like you said, I’m the only one here who’s not blood. Haha!
Oh, shucks, I just remembered they’re coming to visit in a week. Yes, the week before school starts and right before DH leaves for a business trip. Such good timing. Any advice besides run away fast?
Becca, off to start the cleaning of the house!
Comment by Becca — July 30, 2007 @ 8:12 am
Les, bless your heart. I couldn’t live with my m-i-l (and I have a really sweet one) or my mother, for that matter. Eek. Six more days. I’ll say a little prayer for you.
Comment by Rhonda Nelson — July 30, 2007 @ 8:51 am
OMG Leslie - Are you sure my M-I-L isn’t at your house this week? You just described her perfectly! They must be sisters! I live within walking distance of my MIL and by the time October rolls around and they head to Florida for the winter, all I can say is Thank the Lord - I’ve made it another year without committing murder!
And speaking of not listening…I asked my MIL to reserve the party room at their condo complex for a bridal shower I’m hosting in several weeks. I told her the date 3 times. Yesterday (one week after I’d asked her to reserve the room) she calls me up and asked if I was ready to go over there and set up the room. I said…What are you talking about? She said “Don’t YOU remember, you asked me to book the party room for today?” …. I replied..NO, I need three weeks from today. Why would I give everyone such short notice? and she says “Well, I wondered but I know how you usually do things at the last minute.” ARGGGGGGGHHHH!
Help me people!
Comment by Nina — July 30, 2007 @ 8:57 am
Hugs, Leslie. Your M-I-L sounds eerily like my DH’s M-I-L. As for my own M-I-L, I’m giving her a hug next time I see her!
Comment by Karen Lingefelt — July 30, 2007 @ 8:59 am
Um..Les? I have a spare bedroom right here. You have to fly now instead of drive to get to me, but maybe Southwest has some great ding fairs to Tampa? Or would the children murder you for deserting them?
Hugs!!!
Comment by Julie Leto — July 30, 2007 @ 9:15 am
Oh, Leslie, I feel your pain. We don’t have to worry about my m-i-l living with us as long as my f-i-l is still with us (I light candles for the man’s continued good health), but she has the same attitudes, especially towards me. (My b-i-l once told my husband that he and their mother had “discussed it” and he’d be better off without me. Husband ended up not speaking to either one for a couple of months.)
I have a friend who’s mother was dropping the same types of hint. He commented to the husband and myself that if his mother moved in, his wife would probably end up moving out. When I suggested that might be the idea, he thought about it for a moment and said, “I think you might be right.”
Strength, m’dear. Have you considered penning a murder mystery in which the killer is disposing of annoying mothers-in-law? I’ll happily lend you mine for the purpose? :P
Comment by Caro — July 30, 2007 @ 9:34 am
Leslie: I feel your pain, trust me. I had the WORST visit to the in laws last month (hubby and I still argue over it). She decided to start into each of us about our oldest son (who has autism and HATES her house). She told each of us separately that he was a ‘discipline problem”. When she started with me (two days after hubby and he had told her to basically shut up), she learned she messed with the WRONG person. I don’t know what we are doing for Christmas…..it was THAT bad! I tell hubby it’s a good thing that we didn’t move closer a couple of years ago or we’d be divorced!
Comment by katie — July 30, 2007 @ 9:39 am
Poor Les. I am sorry for all of you.
Thank god my hubby is old and his parents have been dead for many, many years. I understand from my step kids that I may have killed one or both myself. Hubby’s late wife got stuck with them instead.
Then there is my mom. I love her dearly- and the fact that she is over 2 hours away helps. After dad died 2 years ago, I flat out told her that if she ever wanted to move here that was fine- we have a very nice retirement apt complex just down the road.
And it’s not cause she is like the above described ones- mine is just the opposite. I have one kid I still have to pick up after, I don’t need her too.
do you think we will be just as bad, and our kids will feel the same way, when we are older and in-laws??
Although, as a step-mil, I have been told I am pretty good. Of course we are the same age, so maybe that helps???
Comment by ev — July 30, 2007 @ 10:00 am
Hi Becca - welcome.
OK, after hearing your story and Caro’s, I’ve decided my MIL aint’ so bad. I guess you never know how good you’ve got it until you hear of something worse. She’s meddlesome, and certainly wishes I would do things her way, but she loves me and would never want to get rid of me. And I will have to admit that hubby’s health issue has helped to bring us closer together so that is a blessing too, I guess.
God bless all of you who have truly horrible MILs!
Comment by Jodie — July 30, 2007 @ 10:12 am
Leslie- I can’t feel your pain exactly as I’m not married, but my grandmother did go a bit nuts over the weekend so I can sorta feel your pain. I should know never to go into town when my sister and her kids go into town. My grandmother gets mad if we don’t spend every waking minute with her all the while saying “I don’t want to take any time away from your dad”. Then we had to have the big family dinner and she wouldn’t even look or speak to either my sister or me. Almost didn’t speak to us when we went over to say good-bye yesterday morning. Hopefully she will be over it before I talk to her over the weekend. I know I will really have to work not to let her know I think she was out of line over the weekend. I have found that wine or a cocktail really help me deal with my grandmother better. If you like mixed drinks with cokes/diet cokes, you can even mix into a 20 oz bottle and no one can tell what you are drinking(a trick I learned from my cousin’s wife so she can deal with her mil).
Comment by Liza — July 30, 2007 @ 10:13 am
My husband lost both his parents when he was very young, so I never had the experience of in-laws…I guess, thankfully, from reading the previous posts. Scary!
Good luck to all of you experiencing those “in-law” problems! It sounds like you might need it.
Comment by Shari C — July 30, 2007 @ 10:21 am
I feel your pain Leslie, but not because of my mil, she’s wonderful, lives across the street and I see her only maybe twice a month.
My parents are moving into my house next spring. We are in the process of building them an in-law apartment, but I don’t think a wall is going to stop the craziness that surrounds my mom.
Don’t get me wrong, I love her, would lay down my own life to protect her but I am enjoying every minute of my freedom before she moves in. 
As for my dad, he is the greatest. I am the typical daddy’s little girl and I worship my daddy as much as he worships me. You know having my dad around is going to be great.
Comment by Patty L — July 30, 2007 @ 10:52 am
So glad to know I am not the only one whose mil is driving her nuts! Wahoo! And YAY to Becca for coming out of lurkdom…stick around, okay?
I have to say my mil has never made me feel that I’m not good enough for her son. Except perhaps on the day my youngest was born and she was another girl. That was a very bad moment. But as always, Bruce was magnificent. (and no, I am not just buttering him up because I know he is reading this, wondering whether to comment on today’s topic.
Comment by Leslie — July 30, 2007 @ 11:03 am
Jodie…thanks. Wine & chocolate much appreciated.
And wow, I think a lot of us do have the same one. “Don’t you want to…” equals “Don’t you think it would be better…” in my house. The weight thing…oh my God, she “eats like a bird” (like a vulture says my middle one.)
Comment by Leslie — July 30, 2007 @ 11:04 am
Leslie, Remembering reading your MIL’s comment when you had your third daughter makes me understand your absolute frustration. I can’t imagine EVER forgetting that totally hurtful comment, no matter what would happen afterwards. One of the greatest things about being divorced is that you DON’T have a MIL. Frankly, in most cases, I don’t think two families can make it together: there’s always differences in sleep patterns, cleanliness, food choices, etc. to make it impossible. You have my sympathy….
Patricia A.
Comment by Patricia — July 30, 2007 @ 11:18 am
Leslie,
Just remember that a woman is just like a tea bag. You don’t know how strong it is until you put it into hot water. Hang in there!
Comment by Carol R — July 30, 2007 @ 12:24 pm
Two weeks? Jeezalou. I really like my MIL, and still, 2 weeks would be pushing it. Though that’s only when she brings her dog — I actually like her, she could stay, but she brings her not-so-well-trained German Shepherd with her (and we already have two dogs, one of which is very territorial) and that stresses me out. I couldn’t do two weeks, no way. There should be an award…
Sam
Comment by Sam Hunter — July 30, 2007 @ 12:29 pm
Les,
I can TOTALLY sympathize with you. When my dad passed away, my 78 year old mom had to come live with me. It’s awful/horrible/revolting/insane/insert your favorite adjective here. Anyhow, we have her in a mother-in-law suite @ fifty feet from our house. Thank God. I could not have her in the house. She was in the house for the first eight months and I almost slit my wrists. Even now, I have those moments. I have officially relived every horrific childhood moment. If I didn’t have to think for a living, I would have hit the Prozac months ago. It’s not that I don’t love her. I do, which makes me feel doubly guilty when I secretly wish that aliens would land and snatch her up and take her far, FAR away. She can sense when I’m thinking this, too, and proceeds to tell me how it’s my responsibility to take care of her (i.e. cook, clean, do her laundry, drive her places AND visit with her during the day when she isn’t watching her soaps) since she had to take care of me. I remind her that it’s different. She made the choice to take on the role of caretaker. I had no choice. But alas, I’ve bitched enough. Back to work. I should be able to manage a good thirty minutes before she comes looking for lunch . . .
Comment by Kimberly Raye — July 30, 2007 @ 12:37 pm
That would be a grilled cheese (cheddar NOT American), lightly toasted with minimal butter (NOT margarine), made on the stove rather than the microwave on account of the government plot to brainwash Americans via the radiation used in everyday household appliances.
Comment by Kimberly Raye — July 30, 2007 @ 12:40 pm
Hey, hey, hey, people please. This my mother you’re all talking about. Could you all please show a little compassion, a little sympathy, a little understanding…FOR ME!!!! Come on. Leslie’s only know her for 22 years. I’m 48! Try being the youngest child of a crazy, doting, overprotective Italian mother. How many of you went off to college at the age of 18 with your name written in all your underwear? And no, the founding mother of the passive aggressive movement doesn’t talk to herself and all the other nutty things because she’s up there in years. She’s always been like that!!! I have a biology degree. I understand genetics. I’m afraid. I’m very afraid.
Leslie is a saint. I at least get to go to work. But poor Leslie is there all day. And she’s MUCH more patient than me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate her efforts over the years. That being said…Julie, forget the children…I’D murder her for deserting me! Besides, she wouldn’t be comfortable…you have all that dust in your house
.
Comment by Bruce — July 30, 2007 @ 12:43 pm
Kimberly, I relate to the whole I love her-but she makes me have ‘Nam flashbacks of my childhood thing. I think that aliens did abduct her, but they brought her back!
Comment by Bruce — July 30, 2007 @ 12:47 pm
After reading everyone’s posts, I’m feeling very fortunate that I have such a great MIL (and FIL and SIL, as well!). However, I’m sure all that would change if my MIL (or even my own mother) had to stay with us for 2 weeks, or longer!
Comment by Janelle — July 30, 2007 @ 12:57 pm
Special hugs to katie–my own kids have autism (in varying degrees no less), and when it comes to the attitude of and “advice” from certain relatives–
:
I could wear that emoticon out.
Comment by Karen Lingefelt — July 30, 2007 @ 1:00 pm
Leslie, I think you may have my grandmother staying with you!
Comment by Susan — July 30, 2007 @ 1:06 pm
Oh Kim…fifty feet? I would be so much more comfortable with 50 miles. Or 50 states.
And Bruce thanks for not being a good sport about this. I can’t believe you outed yourself with the name-in-the-underwear thing here considering how mercilessly the girls ribbed you about it a few weeks ago! You’re a doll. :love2:
Comment by Leslie — July 30, 2007 @ 1:09 pm
Sam, if there *was* an award, I think several of us would be up for it!!!!
Comment by Leslie — July 30, 2007 @ 1:10 pm
For NOT being a good sport? I’m going to assume that’s a typo. Good thing I read all your work before you send it out
.
Comment by Bruce — July 30, 2007 @ 2:30 pm
Bruce, you made me laugh out loud, thanks! I’m sorry it was traumatic when you went off to college but you seem to have survived it okay.
Leslie, I spent 2 & 1/2 week with my in laws when I was still married. It was an experience! I always liked my M-I-L because most of my married life she was about 2,000 miles away! We were married 14 years & I only saw the in laws 3 times maybe 4 I might be forgetting one time! They didn’t even come to our wedding which I thought was a little strange! Oh well, they have both passed away so between that & the divorce it really doesn’t matter.
Then there is my own mother, who passed a way in February. God love her! She was a lady that would give you the shirt off your back & remember some insignifigant little incident that happened 15 years ago like it was yesterday & you have no memory of what she was talking about. She liked lots of attention, loved her family and was a fun grandma when my girls were young. She could drive you crazy, make you wish you weren’t her daughter & then do something so wonderful you were glad she was your mom! What can I say!
Hang in there Leslie, it will all be over in a few days & your household can go back to normal.
Comment by Donna M — July 30, 2007 @ 2:47 pm
Karen….when she started in on my husband, he kept telling her, “NO, he has autism and this is his autism”, blah, blah, blah. HOWEVER, she chose to pick it with me, and BOY IS SHE IN TROUBLE! My s-i-l started it a couple of years ago and I politely (with every polite bone in my body) told her that according to SLP, his teachers, OTs, PTs, people who have PHDs and specialize in autism told us to do it THIS WAY. She hasn’t talked to me since
. I just was FLOORED when M-I-L started in on me, though (I am still mad, as you can tell 
). I told hubby my son and I ain’t going to Christmas (up from I am never seeing her again) at her house.
Leslie: when I had my third boy (we didn’t know what it was), she told hubby that now we had a dairy (we had enough to work at a dairy) and we needed to STOP (she’s not really a grandmotherly type). I love it when people tell me what to do because I like to do the OPPOSITE! LOL! Stubborness is in my family, too, altho my inlaws do have a gene with it
Comment by katie — July 30, 2007 @ 3:12 pm
I just had to smile and sympathize upon reading your post and all the comments. Until two years ago, I would have said I have the “perfect” mil, until they offered for us to sell our house and buy theirs, building a mil apartment (my fil had been diagnosed with MS). I agreed because my husband wanted to help them out, and everything has gone downhill since.
But compared to the stories here, I still have it pretty good.
Just hope that doesn’t change. Now my sister, on the other hand, is a master at the constructive criticism…
Comment by Danniele — July 30, 2007 @ 3:27 pm
Leslie I’m so sorry you guys are going through this vacation thing. It’s hard to love them so much and still deal with all of their ‘crazines’.
It’ll be over in 6 more days. Just keep counting them off or Julie has a wonderful idea…all in the name of that thing you do on the computer.
Comment by Vicki — July 30, 2007 @ 3:30 pm
Katie, I don’t particularly like people telling me what to do either. My mom has always been the type to harp on something when she wanted you to do (or not do) it. Just won’t let it go. She wasn’t here two days before she started on how much she hated my hair. First to Leslie, then finally to me. Fortunately, my darling daughters came to the rescue and voiced their opinion that they really liked it. I told Leslie that night that I actually had been planning to get a haircut but now I’m going to wait…oh…about six more days.
Comment by Bruce — July 30, 2007 @ 4:34 pm
The one good thing about having both sets of our parents living within a mile of my house, is that I never ever have overnight visits. Thank goodness.
Leslie, just hold on to you sanity and tell your hubby he owes you BIG.:doggie:
Comment by Gigi — July 30, 2007 @ 5:00 pm
Bruce: There must be a stubborn gene in the Kelly family, too! LOL! I always say, ‘I love my in laws….two states away!!!!” (although this last visit did change some of that….now, they are a little too close for me!).
Comment by katie — July 30, 2007 @ 5:08 pm
Katie and Bruce - therapists have a title for your personality type - it’s called “Playful Resistor” You respond well to playfulness and joking but dig your heels in when told what to do. I know it well, I ranked off the chart (literally)!
Comment by Jodie — July 30, 2007 @ 6:50 pm
Oh Jodie you have SO just described Bruce! I know better than to tell him what to do. I drop suggestions and eventually let him come around to my way of thinking.
Comment by Leslie — July 30, 2007 @ 7:46 pm
Leslie, Hang in there….just double or triple that nightly glass of wine:cocktail: and ignore her, as best you can….(
sorry Bruce)
When I first got married, my MIL could make me cry without even trying, she was that critical, we were only married 2 months when we found out we were going to have a baby, her reaction was “already? so soon? you really should wait.” Well to this day I’m not sure if she was suggesting an abortion, but it still bothers me, that she has always treated me to her negative attitude.
Twenty year’s later and she’ still negative, but I’ve learned not to care…lol
Comment by Tina Martinesi — July 30, 2007 @ 7:48 pm
thank goodness i am not married.
Poor Leslie, see there are reasons to stay in closet.
Comment by BadBarb — July 30, 2007 @ 9:21 pm
Jodie, I’d say that was a pretty fair description. Leslie knows me so well and definitely knows how to get me to do things. “Playful resistor” huh? Sounds like a new game Leslie and I have to try.
How are you and your husband doing Jodie?
Comment by Bruce — July 30, 2007 @ 9:39 pm
Don’t let her move in - ever. My father’s mother (he was an only child) lived with us most of our lives and it was a disaster.
Comment by catslady — July 31, 2007 @ 12:27 am
Oy, hugs to everyone! Hang in there! I do love my in-laws and my parents, but I cannot envision living with either of them–eeeekkkk! (Right now we live about 30 minutes from my parents and about an hour from my in-laws, and usually see them almost every week. That works out pretty well for us.) And Bruce, you’re a great sport–I always love hearing your perspective on Leslie’s posts, too!
Comment by Fedora — July 31, 2007 @ 2:40 am