A Conversation With An 11 Year Old
So…here’s the conversation I had with my 11 year old the other day when I picked her up from school.
“How was your day?”
Grunt. “Okay.”
“Do anything fun?”
“No.”
“Nothing at all, huh?” (typical conversation here…)
“Well, we watched a movie.”
“Oh, was it a good movie?”
“We watched THE movie.”
Lightbulb goes over my head and I start to shift uncomfortably. I’ve done this a couple of times now, but my youngest daughter is the very analytical one and isn’t a bit embarrassed talking about anything. (This is the one who already wants to be a coroner.) So I’m prepared for some pretty direct questions. “Well, did you understand it?”
“I knew all the girl stuff.”
Yes, she did. As soon as I mentioned the whole puberty thing starting a year or so ago, she dug through her sister’s shelves, found the American Girl “Care & Keeping Of Me” book, and came out and announced that she could be starting her period any time now.
Oh joy.
(BTW: I think she’s been PMS’ing since that moment. )
Then she says, “But we also had to watch the boy stuff. Gross.”
I nod in commiseration. “Yeah. Gross.”
The conversation goes on… “What if you’re wearing white pants or khakis and you start? That’d be so embarrassing. Boys are lucky.”
“Well,” I point out, “It’s kind of tough to be a boy because they can’t always control things and it’s very obvious when something’s going on.” (Wondering if she knows what I’m talking about here.)
I should have known better.
“Yeah, like in Anchorman.”
Curse that Will Farrrell. 
“Exactly. So, uh, you totally have it all down, huh?”
“Well…one thing I’m not sure of…”
Okay, here it comes. I’m ready for the I know boys have this and girls have that, but how does it all come together? question. So I say, “Do you have questions about the sex act itself?”
She scrunches her nose. “No, I do not.”
I see she already knows.
“So what aren’t you sure of?”
I’m racking my brain wondering what she’s going to say, and am struck into silence by her response:
“Why do they make pads with perfume in them?”
LOL. Smart (*ss) cookie you got there Leslie (just kidding). But I think she has a good attitude. I remember being all mortified. Not about the sex talk but about starting my period. Oh yeah, there are some moments I wouldn’t re-live no matter how much you paid me.
Comment by Stacy ~ — April 2, 2007 @ 6:19 am
My daughter always wondered the exact same thing. Then it makes me wonder why I never even questioned it.
Some how when this time came at school, she already had the answers. Actually, I do know how. I never avoided them when she asked when she was younger. I am surprised she didn’t try and teach the stupid class.
I had to take it when I was going to a catholic school- now there is fun!!!
Comment by ev — April 2, 2007 @ 6:37 am
That is too funny! I’ve wondered the same thing before. I think our kids are about the same age (I have a 20 and 11 year old) but mine are boys. And I am soooooo uncomfortable having that talk. However, when my oldest was 8 and was expecting a younger brother we got him a “Where I Came From” book and that helped a lot. He was totally grossed out by the whole sex thing though.
ahheemm…I think he’s changed his mind (see earlier post a couple weeks ago about concealer for nasty neck wounds!)
My 11 year old hasn’t watched THE movie yet but he will in a couple of weeks. A good friend of ours, whose son is in the same class with mine but has already seen the movie, went home a few weeks ago and said, “Mom! Promise me you won’t ever do that in front of me. That is just sick!”
Comment by Jodie — April 2, 2007 @ 7:48 am
OMG! LOL!!
… I don’t even want to know that I’m going to have these conversations with my kids. My son is about to turn 10! YIKES!!
Comment by lisa — April 2, 2007 @ 8:06 am
OMG LOL
Lisa,
I was mortified when my son who is now 13 came home with the book, but he didn’t tell me my girlfriend told me since her son is friends with mine so when I got home from work I asked him and he showed me and I almost fell off my chair when I saw they explained practically everything that would happen to him YIPES. I tell him go ask your father LOL
a couple of weeks ago I did notice “peach fuzz” on his upper lip :cry: my baby is growing up
Comment by Cherylann — April 2, 2007 @ 8:44 am
LOL!! I guess you should be relieved that she didn’t have a sex question. Luckily I have some time before going through this. My 3 year old is going to give me a run for my money, I’m sure of it!
Comment by Kelly F. — April 2, 2007 @ 8:46 am
You know, like my hubby said last night, at least this one is open to talking about this stuff and asking questions. She really is a thinker. Her older sisters were much more embarrassed and would never have even considered asking any questions!
My youngest also admitted during that conversation who her “crushes” were. She likes SIX guys….lolol!
Comment by Leslie — April 2, 2007 @ 9:41 am
That was a great talk!
I had to talk to my 9 yr. old twice now. (We are early starters) and the first time her one question was, “Can we quit talking about this now” and the second time, just a few days ago–well, she pronounced menstruation better than me. That was an emergency talk because I thought she was having cramps!
Whew–no idea what was wrong, but not that!
I have one of each and a few months ago my son, 6 at the time, asked me why his penis made his tummy hurt and what were those round “feels like a ball” things…….
To be honest I had no ide why it hurt, (btw since found out erection) and no idea what to say. So, I said don’t touch it like that and it won’t hurt..go wake up daddy (that was useless advice)
Comment by Debbie — April 2, 2007 @ 9:54 am
Ev - my oldest had 3 years of sex ed at the Catholic school. I remember being absolutely stunned when he got into 8th grade and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, they didn’t cover. And he had to bring the book home, we had to discuss it (that was fun) and then we had to sign that we had seen it and that he had answered all the questions correctly.
It was so detailed, there were things that I learned!!
Comment by Jodie — April 2, 2007 @ 9:55 am
This is so funny…my oldest niece looked at her dad funny for several days after she had this class, but her younger sister will ask questions at the dinner table. The older thought her life was over when she got her first period(didn’t think she could go swimming) and the younger faked her first period about a week before she really started.
Comment by Liza — April 2, 2007 @ 10:03 am
That’s HILARIOUS!
Smart cookie you got there!
Comment by Lara — April 2, 2007 @ 10:05 am
Comment by Anne — April 2, 2007 @ 10:08 am
Oh Leslie I know what you’re going through. My daughter just turned 13 and she got it at 11. That was a surprise. And she has been pmsing ever since - lol. Now when she finds out something new with the males, she tells me with a giggle and starting out with “did you know?” The tough questions are her asking specifics about things relating to me and deciding whether she should know the truth or not. Teenage girls - what fun!
Comment by Michelle — April 2, 2007 @ 10:09 am
When my sister and me were having an argument once, she blurted out that I wasnt brought by a stork but that you had to have sex to have kids. And you know what I did…I ran inside CRYING:cry:, crying lol!! I was so sad that I wasnt brought home by a stork. Thats when I had the most uncomfortable talk with my mother.
Comment by Emily — April 2, 2007 @ 10:16 am
Oh, Lord, our kids…gotta love em, or else you’d probably pitch them off a building.
When my middle daughter was born, my oldest, who was 3 at the time, announced to our neighbors that her baby sister came out of her mommy’s butt.
Comment by Leslie — April 2, 2007 @ 10:40 am
very smart 11 year old you have there. That was cute.
Comment by jeannie — April 2, 2007 @ 10:41 am
QUESTION FOR THE PLOT MONKEYS:
My critique group (of 4) is having our first-ever “Plot Party” - an overnighter no less! What would you consider the “must-haves” for a successful plotting weekend?
Thanks for your help!
Lara
Comment by Lara — April 2, 2007 @ 11:08 am
I don’t want to think about this, I don’t want to think about this…
Last week, my daughter had to do a report on trees that had medicinal properties. We found one (prunus Africanus) that has been harvested to near extinction because the bark is used in a prostate pill by pharmaceutical companies. This led to me TRYING to explain what a prostate was…keeping it simple, of course, to “part of the male private parts” She asked a bunch of questions (naturally) and finally, it came down to the “where babies come from” discussion.
I asked her point blank: Do you want to know exactly how babies are made?
Her answer: No.
Yeah!
I told her if she ever wanted to know the facts, that I would tell her…but that she really didn’t need to know right now. She agreed.
This is the child, who at six (when her aunt was pregnant with twins), I found crying in her bed because she didn’t ever want to have a baby in her belly. I said, fine by me! When you’re older, I’ll tell you how to avoid it…in the meantime, just know that six-year olds can’t have babies.
I’ll do whatever I can to avoid this talk…though I’ll do it when I have to.
BTW, my mother NEVER told me anything. I learned it all in school (Catholic school, so it was very thorough, surprisingly) and from my best friend who got her period at 10. The rest–the good stuff–I learned from romance novels!
I’ll do better…when the time comes, and not before!
LARA, when is your weekend. This would make a great question for our Saturday writer’s focus, esp. since I’m about to write a workshop on this very topic.
But in the meantime…booze is essential.
Comment by Julie Leto — April 2, 2007 @ 11:18 am
Lara — Booze and a good, reliable tape recorder so you can tape your plotting sessions and listen to them afterward when you get back home!
I’ve had “the talk” with both of my girls (ages 14 & 16), and they both took it pretty well. I’m lucky that my girls are pretty open and will come and ask me just about anything. I’d rather they learn what they want to know from ME, rather than a friend, or worse, a BOY!
Comment by Janelle — April 2, 2007 @ 11:28 am
Leslie, Your daughter is a hoot! I tried giving the “talk” to my son, but, all I got was, “I know all that stuff”–LOL.
I remember my mother (eons ago, of course) telling me about menstruation & pads, but, all I really wanted to know was “how can you do it & keep your noses from banging together?” Unfortunately, that wasn’t part of the discussion, & I was too embarrassed to ask–LOL.
Patricia A.
Comment by Patricia — April 2, 2007 @ 11:45 am
Ah, this is the part where I’m glad I’ve only got the one boy (11, too) and it’s already been well established this is all hubby’s problem.
And I’m suspecting, being my Dh is a stay-at-home dad, that these two have already had conversations. Somehow the three of us got on the topic of gene pools the other day, and how I had to do more work to have the baby than dad did. My son was actually arguing in my favor (so impressed). Then out of the blue, he goes, “Yeah dad, all you had to do was slip her the weiner.”
I don’t know what’s more disturbing, a kid who doesn’t want to talk about sex, or a kid who does.
Comment by Lori Borrill — April 2, 2007 @ 11:53 am
Julie,
Our weekend is April 13-15 and we are SO excited! We do a lot by email, which I know all of you can relate to! I’d love to see this as a Saturday question!
Janelle,
Thanks for the tip on the recorder - I hadn’t even thought of that!
The booze is already on the list! :-) In fact, it’s first on the list (even before my laptop)! :cocktail:
Comment by Lara — April 2, 2007 @ 11:54 am
Lara, have a great time on your trip!!!
I’d strongly advise two things:
1. Set a schedule–take the total amount of plotting time you have, divide it into segments (1 1/2-2 hours is good) and evenly distribute it among your participants. Make sure you get through at least one project for every person before moving on to a second for anyone.
2. Don’t get a room with wireless internet.
(It will suck your time dry.)
Comment by Leslie — April 2, 2007 @ 11:57 am
Oh my God, Lori…
What on earth did you say? And did you pull your husband aside and ask him if he *taught* the kid the “slip her the weiner” phrase? lolol!
Comment by Leslie — April 2, 2007 @ 11:58 am
When my DH had “the talk” with my son, I was aching to be part of it… afraid my husband would leave something important out. You know men….
The day after their talk, I finally broke down and asked my son if he had any questions about “it” and he got really quiet. We’re in the car on the way to school, by the way. He says “Yeah, I do.” Here we go… “I understand it take an egg and sperm to make a baby.” Okay, so I’m already really impressed my husband used those words instead of the “slip her the weiner” version. :-)
BUT…. then he asks… “but how does the egg and the sperm get together?”
HE LEFT THAT OUT?!
So there I sat, at 7:30 in the morning, in the car, telling my son exactly how they “get together.” You should have seen his face. You’d have thought I was dancing naked in front of him!
Comment by Lara — April 2, 2007 @ 12:14 pm
I must admit, my son took “the talk” worse than my daughter. With my daughter it wasn’t one talk, it started when she was 4 and I was pregnant with her brother. She prety much took it all in stride. My son heard a very graffic version from a classmate who’s parents must have had porn in the house (no joke)…needless to say my son was traumatized. It took many detailed talks from both my husband and I to help him understand that just like any other movie, it wasn’t what really went on in a loving relationship. NOT fun!! Of course now at 14 he’s gotten over it
The best thing you can do, is keep it simple and honest, and let them know that no matter how embarassing the question is, they can alway come to you.
Comment by Tina Martinesi — April 2, 2007 @ 12:18 pm
LOL, you know what I said? This is how warped we are in our house. My response was, “What happened to the good old days when parents having sex was gross and unthinkable?”
I’m afraid we suffer from that “only child” thing where forever, we’ve treated our son as if he were older than he is. That and the fact that he’s practically being raised by his dad while his mom works during the day and writes sex books at night. The poor kid hasn’t got a chance.
Comment by Lori Borrill — April 2, 2007 @ 12:19 pm
OMG Lara. I think I would have caved and said something about a magic sperm fairy.
Comment by Lori Borrill — April 2, 2007 @ 12:25 pm
You guys are totally cracking me up today!
My fourteen year old daughter made the comment a few weeks ago about how we (as in mom and dad) don’t do that stuff anymore (sex), and I was shocked that she even thought that! I mean, yeah, it’s difficult to have alone/intimate time with the husband when I have nocturnal kids who stay up until one or two in the morning, but it DOES happen, LOL! I asked her if she really thought that, and she said yes. Then I asked her if she wanted to know the TRUTH, and she quickly said NO! ’nuff said. I think she knows what goes on behind the closed and locked door now, LOL!
Lara — where are you all going for your plotting weekend? And yes, I think this would make for a fun Saturday question! Glad to hear that booze is at the top of your list — couldn’t have a plotting retreat without one!
Comment by Janelle — April 2, 2007 @ 12:36 pm
Oh, God, Janelle, as if in our 40’s we’re too old? lolol!
My kids are the opposite…my oldest is often heard muttering, “Would you two just go get a room?”
Comment by Leslie — April 2, 2007 @ 12:42 pm
My 11 year old neice came over to my house one afternoon after school and we started talking about what she did in school that day and so on. She started telling me everything and at the end she said “and, oh, I started my period today.” She was so calm and rational about it all. I can remember when I started my period I nearly freaked! I know her Mom is very open about such things where as our Mom never had “the talk” with any of us girls. (I have 3 sisters) Communication is the key or is it knowledge is power. Hmm, maybe both.
Comment by Carol R — April 2, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
Janelle,
We’re staying local - Houston - as we have one member who’s got a daughter staying by herself (don’t want to be too far away and she’s a single mom - God love her!)!
We’re dying to get it going and make some real progress, instead of the baby steps we make by email!
Lara
Comment by Lara — April 2, 2007 @ 12:50 pm
Lara, I concur with Janelle on the tape recorder. We actually use a digital recorder now and download to the laptops after each session for immediate backup–but I’ve learned you have to spend a good chunk of change to get a recorder that really works. Janelle and I tried to buy cheapies in Nashville and both went back to the store. I ended up special ordering a new one that is fabulous. I haven’t taken it to a plot weekend yet, but I will.
Leslie also has a great point about having a plan. Each session should take 1-1&1/2 hours and each person should get an equal amount of time.
I know Carly likes to go listen to her session immediately after we’ve done it so she can take notes and ask any questions that come up later.
Oh, and if someone gets on everyone’s nerves, they get sent to the bathroom for a timeout. I know this one well.
Comment by Julie Leto — April 2, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
I’ve always LOVED having girls. This is just one more reason. Mom has to deal with THE talk.
Seriously, it’s not that I don’t want to be involved but I think my involvement with that subject and at that age would make everyone much more uncomfortable than they needed to be. And some of those mysterious and enigmatic female subjects are better left to someone with direct experience. I have a biology degree and I don’t think I’d even want to try.
I actually did have another version of the talk with our oldest daughter. It just came much later. It was a very open and frank discussion in the car while I was driving her to college.
Janelle. A door? You have a door?!!!
Comment by Bruce — April 2, 2007 @ 1:24 pm
You’ll have a door again, Bruce. Soon!!!
I can’t imagine my hubby having any sort of talk with my daughter. He’s a lot like my father. I got a talk from him, too, and it boiled down to “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”
Comment by Julie Leto — April 2, 2007 @ 1:36 pm
You girls are AWESOME! Thanks so much for taking the time to share some tips on the Plot Party. It means so much and we’ll be using those tips… especially the booze one.
Comment by Lara — April 2, 2007 @ 1:48 pm
Hi all:
Here’s an interesting question. My 12 year old daughter wants to be a writer and reads any YA book when it comes out. She’s also read some other books (after Jill read them first) like Mary Higgens Clark and others. I’m dreading the day she asked to read some of Jill’s or my stories. Has this happened to you yet and how did they react when the read some of the more “intimate” parts?
Take care………Wayne
Comment by Wayne (aka Trybble) — April 2, 2007 @ 2:08 pm
Leslie, great discussion! Your daughter sounds like an amazing child.
I’m so glad all that is behind me!
When my girls were 11 & 15 my husband & I seperated, which meant at the dinner table there was only girls & some very interesting “facts of life” discussions. However, like I already said I’m so glad that is all behind me.
One of my favorite memories is from a time when I was pregnant with daughter #2 & she asked how the baby got inside the mother. We gave her a suitable 4 yr. old explanation after which she looked at us with those pretty blue eyes & asked “Did Daddy hold the egg in his hand before he put it in?” Oh my!!! Ah, memories!!
Comment by Donna M — April 2, 2007 @ 2:18 pm
When my older son was 9 one night just before dinner he was in the kitchen with my husband and I and he said, “Mom, is sex when a man puts his privates in a woman’s privates?” I looked at my husband, he looked at me (and still teases me about the absolute look of shock and horror on my face) and he said, “Yes it is. Do you want to talk about it?” My son said “nope” and left the kitchen. Since then we’ve been very open and honest with him regarding sex - and anything else - and now at 14 he thinks he knows it all. Thank goodness his usual feelings towards girls are they talk too much.
As far a periods go - mine was the worst experience ever! I was 13 and in Australia on a cultural exchange. I was attending a day of school with the girl I was staying with and my stomach was hurting but I didn’t realize why - until we got home after school and I discovered I had started my period and blood had soaked through my jeans and I had been walking around that way! I was so mortified and didn’t know what to do. When I got back home I told my mom what happened and she was so upset she wasn’t there to help me.
So I sympathize with all your daughters out there and hope the day they start is not as memorable as mine (I still get embarassed thinking about it).
Comment by Robin — April 2, 2007 @ 2:24 pm
I’ve already had to have this discussion with my 11 year old daughter so you have my deepest sympathies. LOL I’m curious though what did you tell her?? LOL
Missy
Comment by Missy Andrews — April 2, 2007 @ 2:28 pm
I keep trying to have the conversation with my 11-year-old but he’s not having it. Doesn’t want to discuss sex or anything remotely related but I find ways to throw a thought or two out there from time to time. I have to. He’s 5′ 8 with a mustache and hair on his legs (don’t want to even think about the rest). Most folks mistake him for somewhere between 13 and 15. The girls have absolutely taken notice. He refers to them as creatures but I know this won’t last.
I wonder whether they’ll see the film, or if he already has. He’s pretty open but I’m not sure he’d volunteer this one.
Comment by Patricia W — April 2, 2007 @ 2:28 pm
I’m loving all these stories!
A few answers…
Bruce, we’ll have a door. Tomorrow.
Wayne, I have offered my books to my girls once they’ve turned 13. The oldest collects my books but has never cracked the spine of one. The middle one read Here Comes Trouble last summer, but only after I took paperclips and marked all the “icky” parts that she didn’t want to read. Believe it or not, there was still a fair amount of book left for her to read.
Comment by Leslie — April 2, 2007 @ 2:49 pm
Uh, Missy…I used her question as an opportunity to discuss staying nice and clean and fresh and taking care of *all* of your body, including facial skin care, etc.
Comment by Leslie — April 2, 2007 @ 2:49 pm
OMG, I have four daughters so ‘female’ discussions occur at any given time. My younger two girls will never have to have teh ‘talk’ because so much is openly discussed already! Poor hubby just says ewwwww and leaves the room!
Comment by Sheryl M — April 2, 2007 @ 4:08 pm
i’m scared for those coming conversations too.I’ve got three girls and I don’t know what I’m going to do in a few years when their all teenagers,hopefully i’ll have grown up a little more myself and not laugh while I’m doing an uncomfortabe talk
Comment by danette — April 2, 2007 @ 4:20 pm
I’m not quite there yet with my kids, but I can just imagine.
Comment by Heather Harper — April 2, 2007 @ 5:20 pm
Janelle, isn’t it funny that they think all that stops at a certain point. When my nephew was 12, his dad and step-mom had a baby. Well, obviously they “did it” but he assumed that was the only reason anyone did.
I don’t know how it came to be, but when he realized his mom and step-dad did, he looked at her, horrified, and said, “YOU DO IT?!” He cried for days.
We all laughed and said if we had really thought about our parents we probably would have cried too.
Comment by Jodie — April 2, 2007 @ 5:54 pm
LOL, Leslie. I think it’s great that you and your daughters are able to talk openly about these kinds of things.
Comment by Diana — April 2, 2007 @ 6:20 pm
Hi Leslie:
Cute
Take care……….Wayne
Comment by Wayne (aka Trybble) — April 3, 2007 @ 1:54 pm