Excuses . . .
I apologize for the non-personal blog post below, but my mind is fried (i.e. deadline) and I’m dealing with some neck/shoulder/arm pain, so I’m cheating this week and posting something fun and humorous. I saw these “smart ass answers”, and they made me laugh. I hope they make you laugh, too!
Smart Ass Answer #5:
Donna Kennedy, a flight attendant for Trinidad Airlines, was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat….she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”
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Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
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Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ” Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
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#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR IN 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.
I think #3 is my favorite answer out of all of them. Which smart ass answer is your favorite? And does anyone have any funny ones to add to these? If so, I’d love to hear them!
#2- Per Bill Engvall on this one- Here’s your sign. He uses it alot. :wallbash:
I like #3, but then there’s-
The cop pulls this lady (ok, I’ll be honest, it was me) over for speeding. He asks if she knows why he pulled her over. Her answer. “I was the only one you could catch?” After he stopped laughing, he let her go.
Comment by ev — March 1, 2007 @ 8:32 am
Hope you made your deadline and that you’re feeling better soon. The smart ass answers are a great diversion to being productive at work and ev - I wish I had your luck with tickets. :wallbash:
Comment by Yolanda — March 1, 2007 @ 9:38 am
lol Janelle, thanks for the laughs!
I liked # 4 (I’m morbid, as you know) and # 3 as well.
I can always come up with great comeback lines…5 or 10 minutes *after* I needed them…lolol!
Comment by Leslie — March 1, 2007 @ 10:38 am
PS: Good luck on that deadline! Gotta fininsh that book so we can start teasing our Plotmonkey readers about our little shared secret.
Comment by Leslie — March 1, 2007 @ 10:39 am
Too funny, Ev! Especially that you ‘fessed up that it was you!
Les - Thanks for the “good luck” wishes on finishing the book. I’ll take all the luck I can get on this one!
Comment by Janelle — March 1, 2007 @ 10:57 am
Good luck finishing the book.
I like # 3,but #1 really made me laugh.
:doggie:
Comment by Gigi — March 1, 2007 @ 11:05 am
I just saw those last week too and thought they were great! Here’s one that I also got last week that was too funny, I’ll paraphrase:
A husband finishes reading a book on how to be the “man of the house.” He goes to his wife, shifts his belt and says, “This is how it’s gonna be. You’re gonna make me dinner, then you’re gonna clean it up. Then we’re gonna go upstairs and have the kind of sex I want to have. Then I’m gonna take a shower and guess who’s gonna dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife says, “The freakin’ funeral director would be my guess!”
Great answer!!!!
Good luck on the deadline - and the pain too. Maybe it will all go away together!
Comment by Jodie — March 1, 2007 @ 11:08 am
Oooh, another one. I’m still waiting for a chance to use this one:
A woman is pulled over my a state patrol. He says, “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over.”
She answered, “To sell me tickets to the annual ball.”
The trooper answers, “Ma’am in this state troopers don’t have balls.”
After a long moment of silence, and some lip chewing, he lets her go.
Comment by Jodie — March 1, 2007 @ 11:20 am
Good luck with the deadline and hope you are feeling better soon!
#1 cracked me up, although they and the ones posted are all funny!
Comment by Susan — March 1, 2007 @ 12:06 pm
Janelle hang in there, and please finish the book…cant’t wait to read it.
Leslie
Comment by Tina Martinesi — March 1, 2007 @ 12:33 pm
#2 and 5 are the ones I liked the best.
Especially about the bridge, should have adhered to it.
Good luck with your Deadline, is it for Born To Be Wilde?
I am in soooooo much anticipation for that book, marking my calendar down until Sept. and telling anyone who’ll listen about it.
Comment by Qua — March 1, 2007 @ 12:48 pm
I am too excited about Borne to be Wilde. Here’s a basket full of good luck.
Hope your feeling better. Hmmmm, sharing a secret huh?
jeannie
Comment by jeannie — March 1, 2007 @ 1:37 pm
Love #3(since I just got a ticket the other day). Wish I could have thought of something to say to get out of the ticket. Good luck on the deadline. Can’t wait the hear the big secret and read the new book!!!
Comment by Liza — March 1, 2007 @ 1:51 pm
I loved 1 and 5. I’d never get the kind of luck that 3 and Ev got. So…secret, huh. A plotmonkey secret how much fun is that. I can’t wait to hear what it is.
Comment by Vicki — March 1, 2007 @ 2:20 pm
I can’t pick just one they all make me laugh! Thanks for the laughter.
Janelle, good luck on meeting your deadline. I hope you find a cure for your arm, shoulder, neck pain–maybe a day at the spa with a good massage. Take care of yourself. :love2:
Comment by Donna M — March 1, 2007 @ 2:59 pm
LOL, those need a spew alert incase you are eating. Thanks for sharing!
Comment by Kris — March 1, 2007 @ 3:24 pm
Jodie, those are good ones!
I bet cops hear a lot of funny excuses from people trying to get out of tickets!
Qua and everyone else who asked — yes, this is for BORN TO BE WILDE (Joel Wilde’s story). The book will be out in September.
About that secret . . . well, both Leslie and I can guarantee it’s going to be a whole lot of fun.
Comment by Janelle — March 1, 2007 @ 4:29 pm
yolanda- Now, don’t get the wrong idea here, I seldom, on the highways do the speed limit- I tend to think of them as guidelines based on weather conditions. I wouldn’t have come up with the comment, except I was in the slow lane and everyone was passing me. that really ticked me off!! Feel free to use it anytime!!
Comment by ev — March 1, 2007 @ 4:53 pm
I loved the other ones, although I have seen them before, they still make me laugh. Especially the man of the house. snigger….
Comment by ev — March 1, 2007 @ 4:56 pm
Ev - the same thing happened to us this past December. We were coming through Virginia, which is the WORST for getting tickets. My husband was running with about 4 other cars, who all passed us and we got pulled. The trooper asked if we had a radar detector (which are illegal in VA). We said, no, he kind of “hmmmm”d and then gave us a ticket anyway!
My husband readily admitted he was speeding. But he was definitely the slowest of the speeders! We agreed that he probably did pull us because we were easiest to catch and also, in our big, green F250, we stood out more among the cars. Cost a fortune to make that one go away!
Comment by Jodie — March 1, 2007 @ 6:13 pm
jodie- add to that that you were an out of stater and you were just ripe for the picking!!! they do it to Canadians here. :cursing:
Comment by ev — March 1, 2007 @ 8:11 pm
These are great! I liked #1, mostly because I went back to college as an adult and could just picture one of those frat rat boys saying something stupid like that. More than likely all night would be spent at a
Comment by Lynn Matherly — March 1, 2007 @ 9:09 pm
These are to funny. I hope you feel better soon.
Comment by Patty L. — March 1, 2007 @ 10:21 pm