Let’s Talk About Sex
That got your attention this morning, didn’t it? Hey, what can I say? I have Monday mornings, I am going to get provocative and go for the shock factor whenever possible.
Actually, it’s not that shocking. (I’m referring to both sex and me being intentionally provocative.) Seriously…sex isn’t that huge a deal. I like sex. Most people I know like sex. And I write about people who reeeeallllly like sex.
But I have a problem. Three problems, actually, age 17, 14 and 10.
Yes. I am raising daughters.
Nubile daughters. Lovely daughters. Bright, vivacious, charming daughters.
Curious daughters.
Yeah. Welcome to my world.
Of course, when I made the choice to write sexy romance, I knew I would be setting myself up for some interesting–make that uncomfortable–conversations when my kids got older. Fortunately, my girls find it pretty cool as long as they don’t ever have to read any of my books. I could have predicted that since the married-flirting thing my husband and I have going on a lot of the time sends them all running out of the room making gagging sounds. (Hmm…reminds me of the time my oldest was 14 and walked up behind us as I made an incredibly salacious comment to my husband. She groaned, threw her hands over her ears and exclaimed, “God, it’s a wonder I’m not scarred for life with you two as parents!”)
Anyway, writing the sexy stuff, I felt I’d have a bit of wisdom to share when the time came. But it never did. They never asked why I write what I do, where I get my ideas, or even why the heck I was ruining their lives by being a semi-famous sex queen. I really figured that one was gonna come when the local newspaper printed an article claiming that romance novels were porn. Beside it, they printed an old photo they had taken of me with my very first book, even though nothing in the new article had anything to do with me. They might as well have added the caption, “Latest Title By Local Smut Queen.” I am their stock romance/porn go-to gal, I guess.
But my daughters weren’t embarrassed, they were angry on my behalf. Boiling mad. Letter-to-the-editor writing mad.
And yet, they still didn’t come to me, seeking my wisdom, even after I’d been publicly acknowledged as the high priestess of porn in our hometown.
The closest we have ever come to those kinds of conversations is when one of them comes home laughing asking me to autograph a book for a friend who just doesn’t believe I’m their mother. When my oldest started high school, there was a boy on her bus who found out who I was, and used to bring my books with him to read on the way home. I told her to thank him for buying them–and that she was never going out with him as long as she lived.
I’ve tried to start the conversation. I once talked to daughter # 1 about teenagers and sex, how I write what I do, some of my own thoughts about the subject. And I made it very clear to her that my books are about monogamous adults who are committed to one another and in love. (Didn’t say that the committed/love part sometimes comes after the sex. Hey, she doesn’t read my books, remember?)
Her eyes glazed over. So I got a little more frank. I told her that my experiences as a teenager convinced me teenage boys just don’t know what they’re doing in that regard. And that it would be a real shame for her first sexual experience to be a big letdown. I even told her a sad, humiliating little secret. That my one serious teenage boyfriend wasn’t fully acquainted with…ahem…all parts of the female anatomy. (Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry was dating a girl whose name rhymed with a part of the female anatomy? Okay. Yeah. You know what I mean then. Pathetic, I know.)
My daughter is a smart-ass, have I told you that? (Wonder where she gets it.) So I bet you ten-to-one you already know what that little brat said.
Got it?
“Okay, Mom, so you’re okay with me going out with guys in their twenties?”
I’m so totally doomed.
I think this post has turned me ON to coffee (c) before I read plotmonkeys, LOL. However, knowing Leslie as I do, I am not surprised at the subject. :d As you know, I also have daughters. I always push the monogamy in my books factor. Regardless, someone once said to my husband who just wanted to play golf, “You’re married to the porn queen of Purchase?” He’s cool with it though. And as for my girls, unlike Leslie, my husband and I don’t have a touchy feely relationship, so unless they wake up after falling asleep (and this is assuming WE stay up later than the oldest, … hahaha!) they won’t be particularly scarred growing up in this house..
They will, however, need to live down what Mom does but so far so good. The youngest asks me to give books as end of the year gifts to teachers and my fourteen year old has read Cross My Heart already. Her comment - Mom, you didn’t tell me you were THAT good. I nearly cried.
HAPPY MONDAY MORNING!
Comment by Carly — April 24, 2006 @ 6:31 am
What a great article. I always wondered how children of romance authors felt about their parent writing books with sex scenes. Wait til they start reading the books. LOL. I am sure you will have the proper answers. I know you have written under another name. Is Carly Philips the name you use in your real life?
Have a wonderful week.
Comment by Pat L. — April 24, 2006 @ 7:14 am
Whoops, my mistake, thought article was written by Carly. Sorry.
Comment by Pat L. — April 24, 2006 @ 7:17 am
Well, I DID have a full thermal cup of coffee before reading this but that didn’t stop my eyes from opening another inch. LOL!!
Wow, I too wondered how children of romance authors reacted to what their parents did for a living.
I also never knew judgmental people refered to what you do as “porn”!! That is just plain insane. Has anyone ever treated you differently in your town because of the articles that are written about romance?
Comment by Kelly — April 24, 2006 @ 9:16 am
So far my daughter hasn’t been all that interested in reading my books. She likes telling her teachers that I’m a writer and she always brings her friends into The Closet aka The Office to show them my framed covers. But when the time comes to have the talk–and I imagine that’s going to be sooner than I want it to be–I’m taking the same approach you did, Les. I don’t want her squandering her virginity on some moron who doesn’t own a clue as to the workings of the female body. In fact, I’m going to strongly encourage her to figure some things out for herself. (This is one of those little lessons I try to include in every book, right along with the “protected sex” and “be selective” and “go to college.” :-))
Great topic!
Comment by Rhonda — April 24, 2006 @ 9:39 am
Okay, I too have had my morning coffee which I tend to drink way too much of, but did a double take on the subject today.
I often wondered how kids, friends, and in your case the town handled Authors being romance writers, not thinking that there are some who are so narrowminded that the label of porn is used. And to classify romance in that category is wrong.
This did get me thinking about something else though, because deep down, I think all kids (or a great many of them) know about sex, but when it comes to their own parents they don’t want to admit that THEIR parents actually do those things……..I know I didn’t way back when and I can remember when my now adult daughter was about 14 and she was talking about something that her friends had said and looked at me and said .. “I was so glad to know that you and Dad never did those things”……which kind of left me speechless. Even today I have to smile, because my daughter is an aspiring writer, who has acquired a great many rejection slips, but said something funny to me the other day and that was that she never wanted me to read one of her stories, because I might be embarrassed………I think maybe this is a bit of role reversal……..
But seriously this is a great article, and has given us insight into how your kids are handling what you do for a living.
Thanks for sharing…….
Comment by Cryna — April 24, 2006 @ 10:13 am
My 7 year old has read parts of my WIP, but I think it is just the novelty of reading still that has her doing it. Lucky for me, I wasn’t working on a love scene. She still thinks that kissing is gross. Her father told her to keep thinking that for the next twenty or so years.
I am so jealous of all of you getting together to plot your books. It must help immensely to be able to brainstorm with people that you trust so much! Keep those great books coming!
LindaC
Comment by LindaC — April 24, 2006 @ 10:14 am
Definitely an eye-opening topic for a Monday morning, LOL! I, too, have two teenage girls and it ain’t easy raising them in today’s world, that’s for sure!
I do have to say that they’re very proud of what I do and don’t mind telling other people that I’m a writer. As of yet, nobody has told me that I write porn to my face. Behind my back might be another story, LOL!
Here’s to another great week of blogging! :p
Comment by Janelle Denison — April 24, 2006 @ 10:16 am
Wow, glad to see this is generating some discussion! To answer a few questions–yes, I have certainly been hit with the “romance is porn” bias, but you know, I just don’t care what narrow-minded, ignorant people think. That article in the local paper did generate a big backlash by my local RWA chapter friends, who deluged the paper with letters (only one of which was printed, but it was a good one!) They’re the best.
And yeah, Carly, my hubby and I are pretty demonstrative. My kids are well used to us always hugging and kissing and flirting with each other. Which I guess is why they don’t need the gory details because I DON”T think they’d suspect we’d “never do anything like that…” lol!
I do care what my kids think, which is basically what today’s topic is about. I want them to have really healthy, responsible attitudes toward sex and would never want them to think that what I do for a living in any way means it’s okay to treat sex cavalierly. I think I have gotten that message across…as long as they don’t have to hear/read specifics.
And Carly, how wonderful that your daughter read your book and gave you such a sublime compliment! I guess I shouldn’t say my kids have never read anything of mine, because my oldest has read a non-romance novel I’ve been working on and has been really excited about it. It’s just the gushy stuff they don’t want to read…lolol!
Leslie
Comment by Leslie Kelly — April 24, 2006 @ 10:25 am
Great topic, Leslie. Thanks for sharing. My son is 12 and he knows I’m writing a romance novel but I don’t think he realizes there’s actual sex in it. And he doesn’t ask so I don’t tell.
My other two are too young to realize what’s going on (3 and 18 months) but when I’m published (hopefully - positive thinking at its finest right now!) I guess I’ll have to deal with that someday, especially cos my 3 yr old is a girl…
Comment by Karen — April 24, 2006 @ 10:57 am
lucky i have brothers. good luck
Comment by kim H — April 24, 2006 @ 11:26 am
LOL, Leslie! ROFL, where were you when I was that age? Too funny!
Smooches!
Dee
Comment by Dee — April 24, 2006 @ 11:33 am
Great topic! I can’t believe anyone could possibly refer to any of your books as porn. I wonder what those people call us who buy and love your books?! :s
Comment by Susan — April 24, 2006 @ 12:02 pm
Hello Leslie,
Great topic! Loved it! (l) What a way to wake up on a Monday.
Thanks, Carolyn
Comment by Carolyn A. — April 24, 2006 @ 12:38 pm
Great post…you know…I don’t think I ever had that talk with my parents…hmm
Comment by Jennifer Y. — April 24, 2006 @ 2:41 pm
LOL - this is a fun topic. Interestingly, the “talk” with my mother consisted of her handing me “Skye O’Malley” by Bertrice Small when I was in middle school. It was a good strategy - she got out of the embarrassing conversation, I learned a LOT and I was hooked on romance ever since!
(l)
Comment by JulieS — April 24, 2006 @ 2:56 pm
You sure know how to wake us up Leslie.
Great topic. It surprises me a great deal that anyone can call romance books porn! They obviously need an education!! They also need to read a good romance.
Leslie, you are doing your children a great favor if you & your husband are openly affectionate & caring about each other in your home. I grew up with parents like that & I thought all parents were like that. They were also affectionate with their children. My ex-husbands parents were not at all like that which led to some major differences with us & marriage problems.
Needless to say there were also other problems. I spent 2 1/2 weeks with the in-laws once on a vacation & never once saw them touch each other in any way!! It boggled my mind, they also slept in twin beds & usually slept in separate rooms when they didn’t have company! I could really go on & on about that. It was such a shock to me to see a family act like that around each other. In my family even the men hug each other at family get togethers! I love it!
Now that I am so awake I must get something accomplished.
Thanks guys!!
Donna M
Comment by Donna M — April 24, 2006 @ 3:20 pm
I am so thankful I am not dealing with teenagers and sex, yet.
But, I do have to worry about my young children calling their body parts by their actual names. It seems to astonish other parents that I never taught my babies words like wee-wee or who-who.
Daddy has made a deal with our daughter that if she will not date boys until she is sixteen, he will give her the world’s biggest lollipop.
Grandpa’s offer is a car if she waits till she is eighteen.
Unfortunately, I never got a lollipop or a car.
And btw, you are one of my favorite romance go-to-gals.
Comment by Heather Dawn Harper — April 24, 2006 @ 10:31 pm
I do think about this all the time. Especially the older guy thing. I guess I’m going to use the argument my mother used on me in that regard…”and just what would a college guy want from a high schooler…except the obvious?”
Now, let’s not get the impression my mother and I ever had “the talk.” My father told me about the cow and the free milk. My brother, on the other hand, told me all the things guys would say to get some. I actually laughed when one of my boyfriends said, “You would if you loved me!” When he asked why I was laughing, I answered, “My brother said you’d say that!” We didn’t last. Small wonder.
Ah, the joys of parenting a girl!
Comment by Julie — April 24, 2006 @ 10:49 pm
Hello Leslie,
This is a very funny topic. I do enjoy coming to this site and finding some really good things on here to read. Especially this one :p
How can someone call romance novels (Porn) :d
(y) Leslie, I want to say Congrad’s to you again on your book She Drives Me Crazy being a finalist in the single title category of the National Reader’s Choice Award For 2005. I am glad you have sent me a copy I will sure be reading it soon.
Thank You, Linda.H.
Comment by Linda.H. — April 25, 2006 @ 1:01 am
It’s so cool to see all the familiar names on here, I really appreciate all the great feedback. Karen, good luck on the writing! Susan–the “romance is porn” argument has been around for a long time…some people are so narrow minded! Linda, I honestly can’t imagine not being openly affectionate with my hubby no matter who is around! Heather, we miss you in FL! Dee, glad we pried you away from eHq. And Linda, you are very welcome!
Leslie
Comment by Leslie Kelly — April 25, 2006 @ 7:22 am
Like you I am the mother of two daughters. My oldest is 19 and my baby is 15 going on 25. Thank goodness my oldest seems to be taking my advice and trying to get through college before getting serious about boys. My youngest is a whole other ball of wax. She is giving me gray hairs at the moment.
Comment by Gigi — April 25, 2006 @ 10:41 am