Assertive vs. Aggressive
So I was watching Dr. Phil. He was doing one of his mish-mash shows–no specific theme. One, however, was about a woman who was a self-declared “doormat.” She’s the woman who sits in the waiting room for three hours without ever asking why the person who came in two hours after her has already been seen. She’s the woman who gets the wrong dinner at a restaurant, but who doesn’t say a word to the waiter. She’s the woman who believes the bank when they tell her that she couldn’t possibly have deposited $500 in her account (despite her deposit slip) because they simply have no record of it.
In other words, she is not me.
But then, those of you who have been around here a while knew that already. 
What interested me most about the show was Dr. Phil’s explanation of the difference between being aggressive and being assertive. Aggressive, according to the good doc, is the need to be right at the expense of someone else. To cause pain in order to attain power. Honestly, that’s not me. I don’t want to hurt anyone else–I just want to get what I asked for, or in most cases, what I paid for. I can be very polite and very reasonable. I simply don’t give up.
Assertive is simply someone who demands what they are due. They do not go out of their way to hurt others, but my addition is–they will if they have to. If you push me, I’ll push back. This is the result of being raised with three brothers, six male cousins and assorted and various guys in the neighborhood raised in classic, Hispanic households, if you get my drift.
I have to tell you that having an assertive personality isn’t always fun. Sometimes, you just want to walk away from conflict. Trust me on this. But that would ruin my rep, wouldn’t it? Whenever something goes wrong, you can see all the heads of my companions swivel toward me, expecting and anticipating my response. Most of the time, I’m game. It’s fun to see the look on people’s faces when you establish that you aren’t going to take any crap from them. But a lot of the time, it’s just infuriating.
Like the trashmen. I told ya’ll I’d tell you about the trashmen.
First, let’s set the scene. I live on a cul-de-sac. My driveway is pretty much the extension of the street and my driveway is separated from my neighbor’s drive by about two feet. When it’s garbage day, I let my neighbor have the two-foot strip of grass to put out her cans and I put mine out near my mailbox (even though this annoys the heck out of my mail carrier.) There’s simply no room for my cans anywhere else. If my neighbor were to go to her left, she’d be blocking her mailbox. It’s either her or me. Luckily, our mail carrier is a good guy.
Anyway, about two years ago, I started to notice that more often than not, my trash cans would end up in my driveway. Not just a little bit in, but totally blocking my ability to pull into my garage. Usually, I’d just pull them out of the way. Whatever. But then it happened in the rain.
This pissed me off. You have to understand that I struggle to keep my hair straight. A light mist will turn my ironed hair into a curly-cued mess. I do not like getting wet, especially when my nice, clean, dry garage is a mere few yards away.
So I called the Waste Management people. Lodged my complaint. The operator assured me the workers would be reminded not to do this. She apologized profusely.
I forgot about it.
Until the next time.
And the next.
And the next!
Each time I called, nice as can be, realizing that the poor girls who answer the phone do not personally come out and deal with my trash cans. (See, assertive–not aggressive.)
After a while, their cheery promises no longer worked for me. I wanted a supervisor.
He. Never. Called. Back.
Now I’m ticked off. Now the aggressive behavior starts to come out, I’ll freely admit. When I finally get the bozo on the phone, I’m not so nice. The issue becomes his inability to return the call of a customer in a timely fashion and without me hunting his sorry ass down. (I can say that now because he’s since been fired.)
How do I know this?
Because this was the picture outside my driveway about three weeks ago…
I should note that the only can that is mine is the one with the great big K on it. The rest belong to my neighbor. But I don’t blame them. They are very careful to block their own driveway when they have a lot of trash to put out. No, it was the trashmen, whom I am certain do it on purpose. I mean…come on. This many times? After this many reported reprimands? They’re messing with me.
And just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get me.
I went with the big guns this time–I wrote a letter to the county commissioners–the guys I pay my check to, the guys I elected to take care of this stuff. I got a phone call from an employee of the county who was appalled and about an hour later, I had the route supervisor knocking on my door. He waited outside my house until the trash guys came and then gave them all a talking to (though honestly, they could have been discussing the Buc’s losing streak for all I know.)
But I felt better.
One underling at a certain county commissioner’s office also wrote me back…and his letter spawned more ire. These guys don’t get paid a lot he says. (Oh, yeah…what do you want to bet they make more than most writers? And they get health insurance.) Besides, the amount of a paycheck shouldn’t determine the level of customer service. If I go to McDonald’s and order and PAY FOR a Big Mac, it’s not okay to give me a Quarter Pounder with Cheese just because the guy behind the counter is only pulling in $5.15 an hour.
See? That’s assertive. The guy never wrote me back when I pointed out this little metaphoric example. Coward.
Last week, this was the picture of my garbage cans…
I guess they decided to only annoy me half as much. I didn’t call. This time. I was feeling too tired to take them on again.
But next time…watch out.
So…are you assertive or a doormat? Are you happy with your choices? Why or why not?
I doubt very seriously I would have gone to the length to do all that you did. I would have just either changed my service or been there outside when the garbage people pulled up to talk to them myself. I’m not a push-over but I don’t like confrontations that much either.
Comment by Jen W — October 18, 2006 @ 6:36 am
Julie, I am appalled by their behavior! How awful. That is no way to treat a customer.
I’m definitely not as assertive as you, but I agree that you sometimes have to go after what you deserve and/or paid for.
I hope that eventually things will stop and you won’t experience this every week ongoing.
Comment by Stacy ~ — October 18, 2006 @ 6:37 am
Well, hubby’s solution is to get some fish, put it in there several days before trash day so that it’s getting really ripe by the time they pop those lids off - I think that might be borderline aggressive, but at this point assertive isn’t working for you.
My suggestion was to be waiting with a paintball gun (like in the movie “Paper Route.”
Hubby says that’s borderline assault.
Hubby’s true suggestion is to be waiting for them the next time and walk out and greet them, as though there is no problem at all, offering them cake or donuts, just to show your appreciation for them hauling off your trash. Of course they might think it’s laced with something - but we know of someone who is like that with her trash guys and they go out of their way to make sure her cans are put back and even haul off her “illegal” trash.
I guess with our suggestions we’ve answered the question. I think most of the time we’re assertive, if it’s worth the battle. We can be pushed to agrressive and won’t hesitate to be manipulative (only if its to prevent further problems).
Good luck - and hey, look at it this way, there might be a book scene in this somewhere. Maybe a whole plot!
Comment by Jodie — October 18, 2006 @ 7:17 am
Jen, I wish I could change services–but they have the contract with the county, so I’m stuck with them, as is everyone else in our county. It’s a monopoly.
Jodie, I’ll try your suggestion about being nice. (We don’t eat fish.
) Though at this point, I’m not sure they’d trust me. I do always go out of my way to be friendly and that’s why I’ve personally never made an issue to the drivers/workers and have always dealt with the supervisors.
Stacy, I hope it’s not ongoing either…but so far, it’s been nearly two years of this off and on. Picture #1 was just the last straw. And I didn’t even tell you all about the time they TOOK my brand new garbage can and threw it away and then when I demanded a replacement, claimed to not know where I lived in order to deliver it. Like they don’t have my address???
Comment by Julie Leto — October 18, 2006 @ 8:04 am
Your trash men are definately messing with you, their actions are an obvious “Up yours lady” sign. If it isn’t raining and you are home trash day I would sit on my steps waiting for them suckers to pull up. Then I would watch and see where they put the barrels. If one barrel lands in the driveway I would go and talk to them myself. Nicely of course until they pushed my buttons. Good Luck!
Comment by Kelly — October 18, 2006 @ 8:11 am
Second, screw them!! You are paying for a service and have every right to expect good service.
We have the city as our garbage and recycling so we have no choice, but I do have recourse.
I have had them steal my cans, not pick stuff up, leave them in the middle of the road, and on and on and on. I have no problem calling the supervisors immediately, and if I don’t get a response, I will go higher. They know it now.
I am assertvie to a point and then I become a big beatch. Don’t mess with my Sicilian temper.
Don’t let them win.
Comment by ev — October 18, 2006 @ 8:52 am
Good luck with the trashmen Julie. I know that it is really hard to deal with a group that won’t work with you and continues to give you a hard time(at my apt they like to pick up the trash at 5:00 a.m…even on Saturday). The big problem today is that people only have jobs…they don’t care how badly or well they do their jobs, just want the paycheck at the end of the week. I feel I’m a pretty laid back person unless you mess up my meal. I’ve gotten more free dinners than you can imagine(my friend joked in college that I never paid for a meal). I refuse to pay for my steak if it is cooked wrong and feel that it is my right to send food back if it isn’t cook correctly(I am paying for the right to eat there after all).
Comment by Liza — October 18, 2006 @ 8:55 am
Hi Julie,
I saw the same show yesterday. I’m not a doormat, but I’m not as aggressive as I should be/or assertive. Although that’s changing as I get older and must fight battles for my children. Overall, I think I’m more of an ass kisser. I would do the donuts and cake as someone else suggested. In fact, I’ve actually done this because my own trash guys weren’t picking up all the trash. They would drop some things while upending the garbage cans and not bother to pick it up. Which meant I had trash strewn all over the area near my cans. This totally pissed me off, but I pasted on a smile and grabbed some brownies. Needless to say, it worked. They pick up everything and even haul away my own illegal trash if I haul it out to the road (we live in the country and my trash pick up spot is several acres from my house). The moral? In this instance, I think the ass kissing worked better. But I can be a bitch, too. I’m the person who only tips if she gets good service. If not, I leave NOTHING. My hubby thinks this is terrible because wait staff don’t make much and rely on tips. If this is true, then they should make more of an effort to be nice. I guess that means I’m a split personality: ass kisser/bitch.
I vote for the video camera in this instance. Catch them in the act and then raise some hell. If that doesn’t work, pull out a box of twinkies and do damage control.
Comment by Kimberly Raye — October 18, 2006 @ 9:19 am
I am working on being assertive NOT agressive. I have to deal with a ’situation’ involving one of my little darlings. Think of me trying to be assertive.
Honestly, my jaw dropped when I saw these pictures. Talk about passive agressive.
Comment by katie — October 18, 2006 @ 9:38 am
I’m just a bitch.
Assertivly aggressive? Maybe. :twisted:
I have no patience for poor customer service. I worked in customer service, so it isn’t like I am insensitive to how little their paychecks may be. But I completely agree with you that their salary does not mean squat.
Comment by Heather Harper — October 18, 2006 @ 10:23 am
i can be both.
Comment by kim H — October 18, 2006 @ 12:03 pm
Hi Julie
Good for you and I would have done the same thing because I am assertive also
Comment by Cherylann Natale — October 18, 2006 @ 1:21 pm
Hmmmm…can we say violation of my city codes and ordinances?!? For example(and heaven forbid) EMS needed to get to your home due to an emergency…and can’t due to the diligent stupidity of those employees. But the best argument of all is, if you do not take pride in your work and I must seek private trash removal, I can and will legally not be responsible for the landfill tax and numerous other additions to my tax bill because your employees were too incompetant to perform the job correctly. See, been there done this already.
I do not mind pointing out the complete lack of intelligence when it comes to public service. I audit for a local convienience store chain, and sometimes I wonder how these people can put their clothes on in the morning. Oh, and for the wonderful city official that said they dont get paid that much? I do believe federal standards state that persons employed on a city, state or national level get many many benefits (like sick and annual leave, paid vacation, comp time, health insurance, ect. along with a cost of living adjustment every so often. Don’t really see that big of a turnover when it comes to working for them either, so the pay must not be THAT bad.
And i truly believe that you should get what you pay for. You dont pay them to set all the nieghborhood trash cans in one spot, because with that rationality, then only the place where they pick the cans up should be responsible for payment!
Comment by Sheryl M — October 18, 2006 @ 1:48 pm
I am very happy being assertive. I think I would have met the garbage people and let them have it. I can only take so much crap.
Comment by Estella — October 18, 2006 @ 3:35 pm
What a timely topic! I just went out to retrieve my garbage can after those bozos left it lying on its side halfway out in the street! And it’s not a very wide street. Excellent point about the EMS vehicles, Sheryl.
I also don’t like trash collectors smoking on the job, even if they are outdoors, because on more than one occasion I’ve caught them tossing cigarette butts onto my lawn. (Makes me want to kick their own butts into the back end of their trucks.)
I agree with Dr. Phil about the difference between aggressive and assertive. Aggressive is a bully, plain and simple. Standing up to that person and refusing to take their crap is being assertive. I was a doormat for most of my life till a few years ago. Following a major life-changing event, I was being pushed around by people used to doing it, and I finally had enough and pushed them back. Since then people have had to look elsewhere for a place to wipe their feet, and some of them don’t like it but that’s their problem. My only regret is I didn’t do it a lot sooner.
Standing up for yourself is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I highly recommend it.
Comment by Karen Lingefelt — October 18, 2006 @ 3:51 pm
I guess I am assertive, but can be aggressive if it is warranted. As for not sending food back when it is not like I ordered that is definately not me. I remember being on holidays with my parents, and we ordered the lunchenon special which was ham salad sandwich, when it arrived from the kitchen it had turned into egg salad. Now I have nothing against egg salad but there is a difference between that and ham. I called the waitress over and said that there must be some mistake as I had ordered ham salad…….she said oh no there is no mistake we ran out of the special so the chef decided that he would make egg salad. I said calmly well then the chef can eat it…..I don’t want it.
When she took it back to the kitchen, the chef came to the door and looked out. But I was then given a cople of choices that I could have instead of at the same price. My point in sending back the egg salad was 1) it was not what I ordered 2) How did the chef know that I might or might not be allergic 3) They should have given me the choice of what I wanted substituted as they did when I sent it back 4) Don’t tell me what I want to eat . My parents were mortified that I had sent it back, but then decided that never again were they going to take what was served if it was not ordered, and had wished they had sent theirs back as well……
So yeah I guess I am assertive………
Comment by Cryna — October 18, 2006 @ 4:49 pm
I am both assertive & aggressive. I try not to be aggressive but–I was born a redhead & they don’t talk about redhead tempers for nothing!!! For most of my life I was a small person & short & I don’t take any crap off of anybody!!
In my old age I have mellowed but there are still some things that make that temper flash!! 
My goal is to be assertive when necessary & not be aggressive–it isn’t pretty! 
Interesting topic.
Comment by Donna M — October 18, 2006 @ 6:10 pm
Julie…I have decided we are twins or something, separated at birth….we seem to be living parallel lives. What’s even more frightening is that I, too, have three older brothers and tons of male cousins.
Comment by katie — October 18, 2006 @ 8:36 pm
The first instance with the garbage cans, I might have over looked, the second time I would be there when they came for pickup and assertively “asked” them to “please” put my cans in a specific place. If it happened again, I would have called the company and complained. If it EVER happened again, I would write the comissioners, write the local newspaper, and then been outside when they came again with my cell phone, with their boss’ # programmed and ready to dail–and said–”Guys do we need to call and get Mr. Boss up this morning and discuss the correct place to put my garbage cans?” If they were the least bit obnoxious or hatefull I would have for sure gotten Mr. Boss on the phone and not let them leave until situation was resolved. Then I would say, “Guys let’s make sure we have an understanding, because I am an early riser and I can meet you out here every trash day, just to make sure you, I, and your boss understand the proper place for my trash cans. But you have to be willing to make that stand and really be willing to get up to meet them. Pretty soon, they will tire of seeing you….and do their job correctly.
That’s just me though…up on my soap box
, not getting pushed around.
You go girl!!
Comment by Renee — October 19, 2006 @ 1:35 am
I think I’m assertive when it really counts. I found out dealing with the school teachers that you might as well pass them by when you are having trouble and go straight for the Principal.
As far as your Problem Julie our local news show has a guy that will take on your problem after you have tried to rectify the situation. Almost always the problem is fixed. Lord knows they (like the county Commissioners or supervisors )don’t want to be interviewed on camera about a problem like you trashcan problems.
Remember they hate pictures and TV.:doggie:
But if I was you I might contact the local News after you have tried again and let the newspeople tell your story. The news crew always needs a good story.:doggie::doggie:
Comment by Gigi — October 20, 2006 @ 10:16 pm