It’s hard to compete with all the great Plotmonkey Blogs this week. We’ve been active! We’ve discussed summer TV, what we’re reading, Julie’s Bookclub, and now … I have to come up with a good blog to keep things rolling. 
So in honor of the finale of the first season of GLEE, I bring you my favorite Sue Sylvester Quotes. (If you have to ask who Sue Sylvester is, you might want to check out your television this summer, Thursday nights, 8 PM EST when FOX will rerun season one from the beginning. ) You’re really missing out if you haven’t jumped on this bandwagon! If you love great characters, ensemble casts, amazing music, and yes even some willing suspension of disbelief, GLEE is for you. It’s certainly for me.
Now I warn those of you still in the dark, Sue is offensive. If you don’t like off-color humor, skip today’s post. And without hearing the amazing Jane Lynch and her timing and inflection, you’re still missing something reading them. But it’s worth it.
1. From Episode 22 – “Journey” (finale) - “I spent large segments of each day picturing you choking on food, and I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that I once shoved your face into one of those pink-inflamed monkey butts.”
2. From Episode 2: “Showmance” - [Proposing that Will get rid of the glee club]
“Let’s break it down. You want to be creative; you want to be in the spotlight. Face it: You want to be me. So here’s the deal. You do with your depressive little group of kids what I did with my wealthy elderly mother: Euthanize it.”
3. From Episode 18 – “Laryngitis” - “I’m gonna make it a habit to not stop and talk to students because this has been a colossal waste of my time.”
4. From Episode 17: “Bad Reputation” - Two for one
Sue: “I might buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby’s ass.”
and
Figgins (Principal): I cannot have these shenanigans at this school.
Sue: He cannot have these shenanigans at this school!
6. From Episode 8: “Mash-Up” - Three for one
Sue: I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.
And
Sue: So, you’re last name is Puckerman, huh?
Puck: Shalom!
And
Sue: I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don’t know. I don’t care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners.
7. From Episode 4: “Preggers”: -
Sue: Caning works! And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here… yes, we cane!
8. From Episode 2: “Showmance” –
Sue: Iron tablet? It keeps your strength up when you menstruate.
Will: I don’t menstruate.
Sue: Neither do I.
9. From (not sure):
Sue about adding handicap ramps for Artie:
“[Ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs.”
10. It’s up to YOU! So, GLEEKS, what’s your favorite Sue Sylvester quote? Did I miss it? If so share! If not, again, what are you waiting for?
Carly Phillips would like to take 100% credit for all her stories but the truth is, Carly’s strength is writing family, emotion, funky elderly people and animals. She couldn’t plot her way out of a paper bag, which is why she smartly found her plotmonkey pals early on in her writing career. Thanks to their support, Carly is now a NYT Bestselling author of 23 plus novels. Because writing doesn’t keep her busy enough, Carly is also a wife, a mother of one preteen and one teenage daughter, the primary care giver of her soft coated Wheaten terrier and an expert carpool mom.
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Glee is in my Netflix queue. Can’t wait to see what all the fuss is about.
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Stacy, when I saw the first one, I was like hmmm. Not sure I get the fuss. All I can say is KEEP GOING if you aren’t sure.
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I just love glee. Here are some quotes of Sue that i think is funny. “I’ll often yell at homeless people: ‘Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?’ ”
– During Sue’s Corner in “Preggers”
“I think you should both pack up and move out of the district, unless you wanna lose your man to a mentally-ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.”
– to Terri in “Vitamin D”, telling her about Will’s interest in Emma
“I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.”
–to Will in “Throwdown”, starting a series of hair gags that just won’t stop
“All I want is just one day a year when I’m not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off. So here’s the dream, the Friday after Christmas, which I have off, if you’re hideous stay at home. Spend the entire day watching home videos of a time when you weren’t too repulsive for me to ever want to look at.”
– during an edition of Sue’s Corner in “Mattress”
Gotta love Sue
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I know! So many good ones to choose from!
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I love Glee! And Sue’s abrasive personality and unbelievable zingers were the perfect, perfect set up to when she visited her sister… I won’t ruin it if y’all haven’t seen that episode, but OMG. Just excellent.
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That was a brilliant twist w/her sister, but still amazes me she can be so brazenly rude with personal xperience. Ah, Sue!
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I just love it! Don’t have any to add myself. But wasn’t the finale AWESOME!!!! Haven’t seen every episode so hope to catch up with the reruns!
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I love Glee! I also was as little hmmm with the first episode, but kept watching. Must set my DVR to tape so I can re-watch everything since I won’t get home from my run in time to watch on Thursday nights.
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I have only been into “Glee” since January. I got the DVD set just to see what the fuss was about and am HOOKED! We had a “Glee” finale party on Tuesday. What I love is that the producers/writers have to be so knowledgable about music. They write a script and from millions of songs, have to figure out what songs work best. So, it’s like putting together a puzzle.
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Never thought of it that way but you’re right! Brilliant on many levels.
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Have a great day everybody.
Cher
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I am happy to hear that Fox will be replaying the entire first season. I missed quite a few episodes because I was watching Biggest Loser.
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I don’t watch Glee, but I LOVED her when she played Charlie’s shrink on Two and a Half Men. The woman is hilarious!
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I love, love, love GLEE and Sue Sylvester. I’ve already watched my fav songs from the finale a couple of times since Tuesday. Bohemian Rhapsody was amazing, especially the way it was edited with the other event (won’t spoil for those who haven’t seen it yet).
“To Sir with Love” had me teary. Beautiful.
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Teary doesn’t begin to describe…I used up a lot of Kleenex during the whole episode. Then I watched “To Sir with Love” on Barb Ferrer’s blog and sobbed again.
I, too, was “meh” when I watched the first episode of Glee. I was in Show Choir in H.S. and college, so I was really curious about the show. I just adore it now. Not every episode works for me, but every show has something I like!
The actress who plays Sue Sylvester is brilliant. She was amazing on Criminal Minds as Spenser’s mother. Totally and completely brilliant. I’m so glad she’s finally getting the kudos she deserves. Sometimes a character actor like her can go their whole career making stars out of their cast mates, you know what I mean?
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I LOVE Sue Sylvester! She’s my favorite part of the show, next to the musical numbers. (The story, meh, who needs it? lolol!)
My fave Sue moments were the Madonna VOGUE video, and when Will sang “Tell Me Something Good” and got her all worked up. Hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ho6CyOWHn90
Will: So, you feel anything there?
Sue: No.
Will: Was I too dirty?
Sue: I didn’t notice…I was bored.
Snort!
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OH! Forgot to say, I loved the “sex therapist” character Jane Lynch played on Boston Legal many years ago!
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I FORGOT that was her!
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I love Glee ever since they gave us the first tidbit of the show.
Sue is my favorite charater but for me it is the great musical numbers.
Jane Lynch was wonderful in the Julie and Julia movie. She played Julia childs sister.
Sue talking to Will ”I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves that live in your hair.”
”You think this is hard? I’m passing a gallstone as we speak. That is hard!”
”I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure, and it’s stinking up my office.”
”I’m about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.”
”You’re dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It’s like mother’s milk to them.
”I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness.”
Here is a link to Entertainment Weekly Sue Sylvester Gems
http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20323853,00.html
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I had a blast looking these up last night!
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Season Two of Glee preview on EW
They say Susan Boyle might be in season two.
http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/06/09/glee-exclusive-season-two-preview/
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Hey Carly, loved your ode to Sue. I love her off color humor. She really cracks me up. LOL!!!! You chose some great ones. Loved her in the finale too. She got me with her vote.
My fave scene was when she was talking to Prof Shu (sp?) after they got back from the competition. It was hilarious how she stated her case.
You know what I love about her character? The fact that she says everything others are thinking, but are afraid to say.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
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“Don’t mess with me Castle or I will kick you square in the taco.”
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wopps, think i found the actual quote from episode #17 “Bad Reputation” :
Brenda (Molly Shannon): Well, look who it is! I thought I smelled a laughingstock.
Sue: Don’t start with me, Castle! I will kick you square in the taco.
Brenda: It’s a date. That’s just a typical Saturday night in the Castle condo.
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I’m still team Will. I can only take so much of her character on here and I want to reach out and smack the shit out of her. But I love the show.
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LOL on the Sue quotes…I already told you she was here getting married memorial day … what I forgot to tell you is we have her twin living here too…Amber’s friends mom, Joyce, is the spitting image of Jane Lynch… height, size and voice on top of looks. When the movie Sleepover came out we realized the uncanny resemblance to each other. Even at school the teachers had Jane’s picture up on the computer comparing it to Joyce. She didn’t believe us until we brought up the pictures and showed her because she had never heard of Jane. Now even she admits it’s weird someone being her twin like that. LOL. oh…and like jane…they both have money…lol…course it helps that hubby is the president of a bank and she runs her family’s huge company…lol