Okay, I swear…one last time of me before our guest bloggers resume next week with erotica author, Bella Andre!
Today, we’re going to talk about hooks.
As in opening hooks…the very first line of your book.
I just completed one of the rare times that I judge contest entries of unpublished manuscripts. Of the four entries I judged, only one had a really great opening line. This surprised me a great deal because most writing texts emphasize how important it is to grab a reader from the first sentence.
If you’re an established author, chances are that readers will give you a few lines before they give up on a book.
But editors and agents simply don’t have that much time. You have one, maybe two sentences to grab their attention. When they are going through hundreds of query letters or drudging through the slush pile, they are DESPERATE for something good. Trust me on this. They’re not looking to be critical, they’re looking to find the next great novel! So you have to grab them.
How to do that?
Well, first, look at lines that grab you. Here are a few of my favorites…
“What a beautiful cock!” she murmured under her breath. — Virginia Henley’s THE PIRATE AND THE PAGAN.
“Holy hell. Her Plums were missing.”–Roxanne St. Claire’s FRENCH TWIST
“In the final moments of her life Lisa Zimmerman realized she knew her killer.”–Leslie Parrish’s FADE TO BLACK
“A knock on the door in the dead of night could only mean disaster.”–Tessa Dare’s GODDESS OF THE HUNT
“The morning I decided to change my life, I was wearing sweatpants and an old oxford of Peter’s with a coffee stain down the front.”–Katherine Center’s EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL
And of course, the classic…
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”–Jane Austen’s PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
I could go on and on…these are from books I’ve read or re-read recently. It was easy to find great opening lines and because for the most part, they are a necessary clue that I’m going to enjoy the rest of the book. As a seasoned reader (and of course, most of us here are!) we know from the start when a book is going to appeal to us. It doesn’t take much.
I don’t know about you, but I’m a busy gal. I’ve got books piled up all around me and filling up my Kindle, screaming to be read. But how does a book get to the top of my pile? Partly, by having a compelling opening line.
So tell me why authors open books like this:
(BTW, these aren’t from actual books. I’m making them up based on bad opening lines I’ve seen.)
Like Lisa’s mood, the storm raged.
It’s an okay sentence I guess. It’s a simile. But it’s also a description of weather. And there is no worse way to start a book than with a description of the weather–particularly a cliche.
Here’s another:
K’Alii forced his warrior’s body through the swelling crowd of Lyrian rotholes, knowing he had to take his place amidst the willowy Stomides before he could obtain his ultimate goal.
This is so common in sci-fi or fantasy romance–a first line that is brimming with language that cannot be properly understood until the reader has delved further into the book. It’s also overwritten and detached.
And here’s a third:
“Hi, mom. I know I haven’t called. I know you left me ten messages. But really, I’m fine.”
I’m all about starting a book with compelling dialogue…but the key here is compelling. Dialogue for the sake of dialogue is no way to start a book.
Now before you all start googling to find out if every opening line of my books start with a rip-roaring sentence, I’ll save you the trouble. Some are good, but some could have been better.
One that could have been better:
“Rick punched Josie Vargas’s number into his cell phone.”–SOMETHING WICKED
Yeah, not so exciting. The second sentence, however, takes it up a notch:
“He’d only dialed the seven digits twice since he’d met her, but the sequence flowed from his memory, with a bit of a melody behind it, as if he’d memorized it with music like the alphabet song.”
Now that has heart. I would certainly like to edit it now (see the scratch out…that’s how I would change it now,) but alas, I cannot. But it works well with the first sentence, so hopefully, it did it’s job.
My favorite opening line (of mine):
“I remember when you used to stroke me like that.”–DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS
I didn’t even have to look that one up, even though I wrote it five years ago. Not only did readers and reviewers point out the strength of that opening line, it really set the tone for the whole series. Sexy, sexy, sexy. God, I miss Marisela.
I think an opening line should do the following:
Set the TONE for the book
The opening to Leslie’s book above tells you this is going to be a thriller. Virginia’s opening declares the bawdy tone of her books with perfection. Roxanne’s opening with the plums is compelling and there’s a hint of a double entendre that lets us know this book will be sexy. Even Austen’s opening line encapsulates the entire theme of the novel, with a strong nod to the voice she will employ for the whole book.
Introduce a STORY QUESTION
Tessa’s opening makes the reader wonder, “What disaster?” Roxanne’s opening compels readers to find out what the Plums (capitalized) are and what are the consequences of them being missing?
Hint at the CHARACTER to come
Romance readers read for character. Plots are great. Settings are nice. But character is king. Katherine’s example immediately grabs me because I want to know why this woman is changing her life…and I like her because she wears sweatpants and her husband’s shirt, which is familiar to me (and probably lots of other women, too!)
So are you brave? Would you like to put your first line out there for me to give my humble opinion on? I’m no expert…but I am willing to take a glance at your first sentence and tell you my impression, maybe ask you a question.
Or not…I’m just putting it out there to see who might bite!
It’ll be fun.
I’ll start. Here’s the opening line to my work in progress, which might change because this is only the first draft.
I blame the weather.
Yes, yes…I know we’re not supposed to start with weather. Unless it’s important. In this case, my heroine is blaming the weather for something. Don’t you want to know what?
By all reports, Julie Leto was a sweet child once, somewhat shy, preferring to play quietly in her room making up stories. However, being raised with three brothers in a loud, primarily Italian household did have its influences and Julie discovered her inner tough girl. That’s probably why most of her heroines kick serious butt. Writing sassy heroines has worked out, as she’s sold over forty books to four publishers featuring strong, confident women. Julie lives in Florida with her daughter, a spoiled dachshund, a haughty lynx-point Siamese and a wide range of relatives all within driving distance.
Destiny
Dirty Little Secrets
Once Upon A Valentine
Through The Night
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Nice topic and thanks for reminding e all those nice first lines.
My personal favorite opening line used ot be :
“The day Kevin Tucker nearly killed her, olly Sommerville swore off unrequited love forever”. SEP This Heart of MIne.
But I reread Catch of the Day by Kristan Higgins yesterday and loved her opening line too:
“Falling in love with a catholic priest was not my sartest move”.
What I love most about those 2 opening lines is that they really set the tone of the whole book.
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Those are both great opening lines! I’ve had Kristin Higgins on my TBR pile for a while…must move her up!
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I agree first lines hook you or catch u to read the entire book. Leslie’s first line in her CAT books hooked me and I couldn’t put them down. Julie your bounty hunter books I loved and I wish you could write their stories more but I understand the whole politics of publishers.
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Thanks, Elisa. Trust me, I’m always working an angle to try to get back to those books. Someday, hopefully!
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Tate sat up on the edge of the bed swinging his feet around to touch the floor. He ran his hand through his sun kissed blonde hair and reached for his black boxers, yanking them on his long, muscular legs and stood up grabbing his jeans stepping into them.
Hmmm… I dont know if it works or not but I am open for suggestions.
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Patsy, thanks for being brave! I’m going to be dead honest, because if you didn’t want my honest opinion, you wouldn’t ask, right?
Too much description. And unless someone is watching him, the Point of View is off-kilter. He wouldn’t think of himself as having “sun-kissed blonde hair” nor would he think about his “long, muscular” legs.
Where’s the action? What’s ABOUT to happen? That might be where your great first line is. Keep trying! Sometimes, it takes a while to get it right. I often change the first line of a book WAY more times than any other line in the book!
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oes this sound any better? Thanks again Julie for your imput sometimes we as writers get caught up in writing and miss the simple things…
Kim knew her life was over as she knew it. Maybe she handled things all wrong and judging by Tate’s response, she knew she wasn’t far off the mark on this one. Through her tear drenched eye lashes, she watched as Tate sat up on the edge of the bed swinging his feet around to touch the floor. He ran one hand through his sun-kissed blonde hair and reached for his black boxers with the other. His hurt and anger radiated off him in waves.
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There are a lot of “she knews” in here… that weakens your point of view. (It reminds the reader that you are telling the story rather than allowed them deeply into the character’s head, ie, DEEP point of view.) How about this…?
Like the slam of a heavy door, Kim’s life ended. Or at the very least, her love life. She’d miscalculated. Badly. Through blurry eyes, she watched…etc.
That’s a little stronger, don’t you think?
But now let’s talk about opening a book with a heroine crying…that’s a personal pet peeve of mine. But it’s PERSONAL, meaning just my opinion. Does she have to be crying? Really ask yourself if a reader will sympathize with a woman they do not yet know anything about…or whether they will think she’s pathetic from the FIRST impression. Just ask…only you, as the author, know the answer.
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Ah I see your point. I will work on that as well. Thanks
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Here’s mine from my novel I’m about to query.
“I had thought his kiss was going to kill me, but I was wrong, it saved my life.”
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Oh that’s a good one! WOW that seems to speak to me.
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Thanks Patsy
Hopefully all the agonizing I’ve done over it doesn’t show too much hehe.
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Wendy, I agree, this is VERY good…but one pet peeve? Can you substitute “was going to” for “would”? It’s less wordy, more active and helps you get to the punch at the end of the sentence sooner.
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Julie, you’re awesome. Thank you SO much, truly. I’m going to change that to “would”, much better. It’s really kind of you to take the time to do this, and I appreciate it very much. Thank you :)
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I agree “would” is much better. Although first lines are important that is not what sells a book for me. I usually read the back cover and decide if the book is one I would like to read. Happy Halloween, Julie.
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This is from my prologue of ATB. I know it’s actually three sentences, but they’re sort of small. :)
Eldridge’s heart constricted. His lungs deflating as air passed through his lips in a rush. Her time was coming to an end.
Can we give you two? Here’s the opening lines of TLIAV. Again two sentences, but they pretty much need each other. Which might be a bad thing.
Sadie Vanguard listened to the baritone voice coming from the radio as she fastened her favorite pearls around her neck.
“Tune in tomorrow as we discuss the plight of our homeless vampires and Senator Vanguard’s election promises. Talk, as they say, is cheap.”
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Too many questions are left after this, Vicki, and not the good kind. Is Eldridge a man or a woman? Because sentence two says “his” and sentence three says “her”. Also, the second sentence is a fragment that doesn’t quite work. Need more info, but I’m sure there’s a fix!
Hmmm…this isn’t bad, but for some reason, it’s lacking punch. Probably because it relies on description for the first line and there is no emotion. How about something like this:
Sadie cursed and threw her pearls across the room. Her hands shook too much to fasten them. Her snort of derision at the radio announcer’s claim fooled no one–not even her.
“Tune in tomorrow as we discuss the plight of our homeless vampires and Senator Vanguard’s election promises. Talk, as they say, is cheap.”
Not sure it’s better, but it has more emotion.
Helpful?
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Yes, very helpful!! Thank you. :)
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From a reader’s perspective, not only is the opening line important, but probably the first few chapters…sad to say, I am to the point where it need to grab me in the first chapter or two or it’s in the Goodwill pile (I think a librarian in our area suggested you take your age and subtract it from 100 and if it’s not working for you by then, stop).
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katie, you are a very generous reader! Thanks for giving authors so much of a chance to hook you!
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I am easily hooked! LOL
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I’ll bite Juile. Here is the first line from my WIP that I just started.
“You are remarkably hard to catch up with Ava. What has it been now, close to six, seven years?” asked the shadowed figure.
I would love your opinion Julie.
~Talina
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Thanks for being brave, Talina!
Hmmm…this one is not bad. I love starting with dialogue. But I think there would be more punch if it didn’t end with “the shadowed figure.”
Are we in Ava’s point of view? What is her reaction to the words…to the voice? Does she know who it is?
I don’t know your story, but how about something like…
“You’re remarkably hard to catch up with, Ava.”
XX’s words weren’t a compliment, but a death sentence.
Something like that? (Not EXACTLY that, of course…it’s your story! But something that grabs the reader from the gut.)
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HMMM…Julie, I see what you are saying. I do like your suggestion and I will work on making my opening stronger. Thank you for helping me out! Back to the drawing board for me!!:posting:
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Since we don’t know if the shadowy figure is friend or foe, perhaps something like this? (IE: Maybe not a death threat?)
“You are remarkably hard to catch up with Ava.” The voice emerged from the shadows as a dark figure stepped in front of her. “What has it been now, close to six, seven years?”
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Oh, yes that does fit and I can work with that. ( After reworking it into my own words
) Thanks for your input and helping me work it out for the better!
~Talina
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Oh, and Julie, I am going to pick up DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS
You had me with the first line!
HOT
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Thanks, Talina! It’s out of print and a little hard to find, but usually available from sellers at Amazon and eBay and also as an ebook.
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Thanks…I prefer ebooks. Paperbacks (and hardbacks)are hard to find in Mexico.
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Me, too! You know I love my Kindle.
If you get the book, please ignore the incorrect Spanish translations that pop up over the course of the novel. I’m assuming you speak Spanish if you’re in Mexico (though of course I could be wrong!) but I wouldn’t tell you otherwise. My aunt, a native Spanish speaker who fixed all the Spanish for me while I was writing the book, was appalled at the final copy. Now I warn people! It was turned in correctly…but got messed up in the long, arduous process of editing.
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Yes I am fluent in Spanish.
I know you mentioned your aunt helps you with spanish, but if you need further help on anything let me know and I can translate anything for you into the wording that is used today(slang and the such
).
~Talina
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I love really strong openings that hook me right away, and do a whole workshop on this topic with some of my favorites. (Jennifer Crusie’s one about finding underwear in the back of the car, and them not being hers…can’t remember which book…is a fave!) Stephen King’s “The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon”, John Irving’s “A Prayer For Owen Meany”. Several others that I’ll always remember! Jude Devereaux’s “A Knight In Shining Armor.” So many!
One of my faves from my Temptation title Relentless:
“Suffocating beneath ten pounds of buttercream icing in a paper, cardboard and wood-framed tomb, Pamela Bradford noticed immediately when her whiskey-sour buzz wore off.”
For me, I sometimes start with a great one-liner, but it’s more often that line 1 is a setup for the payoff that comes at the end of the 1st paragraph, or page. It interests you in keeping reading but the whammy of that payoff is what makes you catch your breath.
Here’s an example from COLD SIGHT, my next Leslie Parrish book:
>>
Before tonight, nobody had ever read Vonnie Jackson a bedtime story.
Though she’d lived for seventeen years, she couldn’t remember a single fairy tale, one whispered nightie-night, or a soft kiss on the cheek before being tucked in. Her mother had always been well into her first bottle, her second joint or her third John of the evening long before Vonnie fell asleep. Bedtime usually meant hiding under the bed or burrowing beneath a pile of dirty clothes in the closet, praying Mama didn’t pass out, leaving one of her customers to go prowling around in their tiny apartment.
They definitely hadn’t wanted to read her bedtime stories.
Nobody had. Until now.
So that she should finally hear one from a psychotic monster who intended to kill her was almost as unfair as her ending up in this nightmare to begin with.
<<<
They don’t have to be dark, I used something similar in the opening of Once Upon A Mattress–starts off lyrical and descriptive, then the whammy:
On any other night, when the moon waxed gibbous on its inexorable journey toward full, Lucas Wolf would be outside, roaming lush valleys, fierce and untamed like his ancestors. As he ran free beneath the midnight sky, the moon’s white-gold glow would bathe him in warmth and visceral pleasure. Every animal instinct clawed into his genetic code would fill with primal need to give himself over to his wildest impulses. And he’d do it, whole-heartedly.
That was, on any other night.
Not on this one. Hell no.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
See? Doesn't necessarily have to be a single sentence.
Great topic Julie!
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Leslie, I wanted to use your MORE BLAZING BEDTIME STORIES opening, but it worked so much better with more than just the first few lines! That’s a whole other workshop.
I agree that a wham-bam first line is not always the way to go…but I do think that with beginning writers, they need it more than established writers. Readers (editors/agents, in particular) will give us more time to grab them…newbies need to really stand out. First sentence, second sentence…by the third, if you don’t have them, they’ve already started to form an opinion about your writing, even if they don’t necessarily give up reading…and it might not be a good one.
I think that new writers would be better served by really zeroing in on those first couple of lines.
Also, I think this one is strong simply as one line:
It’s evocative. It evokes the emotion of sadness…no one ever read her a bedtime story? It immediate makes the reader sympathize with the character…AND it poses the story question, WHY NOT? And why is this so important that the author is telling me this right off the bat? I want to read more to find out that answer…which leads to the shocking revelation that she’s about to be killed. Excellent!
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Thanks Julie! I also think that one line is a good opener, but just love the payoff further down the page. (I also have to say, I love that character so much–her story just broke my heart!)
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Here’s the opening of my single title “Something Old, Something New, Something Dead.” It’s about a wedding planner and a mortician.
“Another bride, another groom. Another sucker on a Sunday afternoon. Joanna Conroy bit back a laugh. Holy wedlock usually ended in divorce court with the poor groom paying alimony until his balls shriveled.”
Just for funzies, here’s the opening of the Blaze I just finished for Brenda. Working title: “Wicked, Secret Things.”
“I still can’t believe you turned down wild monkey sex with a hunky Venetian god,” Raine Carlisle’s friend and client, Nina said with a shake of her head.
Thank you for reading our opening lines, Julie. That is so generous! Hope mine aren’t too painful.
Cher
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Cute Cher! But the 2nd one feels a little clunky with the introduction of the heroine and her friend on top of the dialogue in one attrition. Especially for the 1st sentence.
Maybe…
“I still can’t believe you turned down wild monkey sex.” Raine Carlisle’s friend and client, Nina, shook her head. “With a hunky Venetian god, no less.”
Or…
“I still can’t believe you turned down wild monkey sex with a hunky Venetian god.” Raine Carlisle’s friend and client, Nina, shook her head. “Loser.”
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I like Leslie’s suggestions on the second one.
On the first, the first two lines are adorable.
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Thank you, Julie!
Cher
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Thanks for reading, Leslie! I especially like your second suggestion. There is always room for improvement isn’t there.
What a treat for you guys to do this for us. 
Cher
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Seriously, how could anyone pass up this opportunity? Thanks so much for your time!
“Sisters with morals were a dreadful nuisance.”
and
““Cook cannot complete dinner preparations, sir. There appears to be a dead body in the kitchen.”
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WOW! Both are fabulous and definitely would keep me reading!
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Thanks!
Now I just need to make sure the other 12, 000 or so sentences in the story are able to keep an editor’s attention….no problem
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That’s the trick, isn’t it? Yes, I agree with Leslie! Both have power and would get me excited to read more!
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Thank you, Julie!
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Do you mean that this line is not a good one? “It was a dark and stormy
night.” Don’t know if this a real opening line or just made up for some
reason or another!
Pat Cochran
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Am I the only one who has warm fuzzy thoughts of Snoopy when I read that line?
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Nope, me, too!
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You all know I read, no writing for me! This was a very interesting subject. I don’t usually think about what grabs me when I start a book. When I read Leslie’s Fade to Black she had me on the first page. If I am not involved by the end of the first chapter I will keep reading but there are times when I wonder why I bothered to read a whole book!! :*&#!: There are times when I keep reading knowing that someone put a lot of time and effort into writing the book. I mostly read favorite authors that never let me down. Thanks to all the Plotmonkeys
for giving me many pleasurable hours of reading. 
Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
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Thank YOU, Donna, for being such a loyal reader!!!
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Ditto, Donna! We SO appreciate you!
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I find if a book doesn’t catch me right from the beginnig I have second thoughts about even reading it. It has to grab me and pull me in! You know what I mean, a real page-turner!
Here one I thought about as a opening first line-
“It had to be you!”
Or
“Once in a while I’d like to wake up and not have you be the first thing that pops into my head.”
Or more on the line of suspense/murder mystery-
“We found her,” somebody hollered. I ran over hoping for the best. “OH MY GOD!” I heard someone say aloud, realizing that person was me. This thing my eyes focused on did not resemble a person ay all. Before I knew it my stomach heeved up all of its contents from the bottom side up. “Why did it have to end this way,” I whispered. “Why?”
Sometimes my mind just gets carried away!
Happy Weekend, Everyone!!!
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Oh, My! I see a typo- sorry! It should be ” resemble a person at all.”
Silly me!
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A carried away mind is the best kind, Lisa!
I like the second one a lot!
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I like the first two as well, Lisa. Not so much the 3rd.
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Thanks again ladies…you are fabulous!!!
~Talina
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Is it too late to play? I’ve been down with the flu for two days, thanks to jury duty.
I promise not to breathe on anyone. 
Thanks for any thoughts, Julie.
This is the opening for my next WIP:
She wiped uncharacteristically sweaty palms on her bloody apron. With the aplomb of a farmer’s wife disemboweling a chicken, Lady Agatha Carmichael plunged her hands into the cavernous wound in the cadaver’s abdomen and chest.
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Silver, great line…but I’d definitely lose the first sentence. It’s not necessary and the punch is in the second line with that great metaphor!
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Thanks, Julie! That was the very first draft, written off the top of my head several weeks ago. And you’re right, of course.
Going back to bed now.
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Wow Silver, very different for you! And yes, I agree, lose the first part and you still have quite a punch!
PS: I saw a while back that you wanted to talk to me about something–drop me a note!
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Les, I got busy, then got called to jury duty, and now have the flu..
I’ve had some thoughts about that MS we discussed I wanted to run by you.
And yes, the current WIP is very different. I’m going far afield for me. Think an amalgamation of Crossing Jordan/League of Extraordinary Gentlemen/Temple of Doom. Whether it works remains to be seen.
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Ok, I ‘m the reader but the topic
Spoke to me. Julie I loved Marisela!
Can’t she have a sister or something?
I got yours and leslies new book yesterday
At walmart.
Last but not least I’d like to try a line
On ya: As he sucked the last of the
Dipping chocolate from her fingers
Her eyes darkened to the inevitable
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Thanks, Jeannie! Marisela did have a sister, but she was a goody two-shoes, so that won’t help! And thank you so much for buying MORE BLAZING BEDTIME STORIES. I’m so excited about it’s release!
As for the first line…hmmm….it’s okay. It’s clearly sexy. But I don’t think there is anything surprising about it. Maybe a surprise is coming, but I think you should go for something with more umph in the first line. I mean, if he’s about to murder her in the next line…it could work. :-)
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How about “I always wondered what dying felt like”
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It’s not bad, Linda. But I wonder if it would be stronger if it was more definitive:
Dying felt horrible. (though I’m not crazy about the word “felt” in this case).
Dying sucked.
Just an idea…
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I like both the original and Julie’s alternatives, but they’re definitive and literal and I wonder if your story is supposed to be more evocative?
I always wondered how dying would feel, but I never imagined this.
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He massaged oil into her skin while building a fire deep within her that only he could extinguish.
This is the opening i was planning on starting my nanowrimo project with; be gentle.
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Oh, Pat…don’t ask people to be gentle! Gentle isn’t going to get you published. Ask people to be HONEST and then be tough enough to take it. THAT will get you published.
If you can take an honest opinion (and that’s all it is…an opinion! I’m not an editor or an agent…I’m just a writer. Someone else could have an entirely different take!) let me know and I’ll give it.
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I really would like your honest opinion.
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Well then my opinion is like Leslie’s…with the addition that “fire only he could extinguish” is a cliche. It’s a good cliche, trust me! I’m betting I’ve used that one more than a few times in my books. Cliches have their place in fiction, IMO.
BUT I wouldn’t open with it.
As I don’t know what comes next, I can’t reach for an alternative…but I’m betting you have something a little further down in the same scene that would work. That’s usually the case.
Good luck!
And yes, tough is a pre-requisite for writing. You’re bleeding on the page (to borrow a cliche!) and it requires guts.
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It feels passive to me, you’re telling us, not showing us. Need to make it punchier, more immediate and less removed.
Ex:
Each stroke of his hand against her yielding skin built a fire only he could extinguish.
It doesn’t get the oil & massage in there, but it’s more immediate, do you see?
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Leslie – Yes I see it, showing sounds so much better. I am new to writing and I want to thank you for your help.
Julie- thank you for your coment, maybe now I can be tough enough to actually finish what I write.
By the By – LOVE the Plotmonkeys!
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This is a cool idea! Here, let me share mine:
“I was nine years old the first time I seriously considered my future.”
I don’t know. I never knew first lines were so important! Is it to blah?
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What kind of book is this? I think it makes a difference…but I’d say that opening a book by focusing on the PAST might not be the best idea. What’s happening NOW? That’s your story question. I’d start there, not with backstory.
First lines set the tone for the entire book…that’s not to say they can’t be changed and edited as you write! As evidenced above, I can find a way to revise and improve even after a book is published, LOL!
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Thanks for the advice! I don’t think I would be able to change it to much though. Her story, the girl whos POV the story is told form, really has to give you info on the past so your able to understand why she’s doing the things shes doing in the present.
Another option for the first line was:
“While most girls at age nine fantasized about getting married, I fantasized about getting a divorce.”
And I’m not really sure what ‘kind’ of story this is yet. I’ve only written a few pages. And I am no plotter! Idea’s don’t come to me until I am actually sitting down writting.
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I actually like that originally opening line IF it is for something like a snarky women’s lit type of book.
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Good point. It would be a pretty good opening for a chick lit type book.
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Thanks! And that’s probably the type of book it would end up being. I’ve tried to write serious, but I guess its just not my thing!
Comment · October 25th, 2009 at 4:17 pm · Link
Serious is overrated.
Comment · October 25th, 2009 at 9:18 pm · Link
Time for one more please??? This is from my WIP-
Sophie pushed open the door and balanced her bag and her purse under one arm while struggling to yank the key out of the lock. Just in the nick of time, the stuck key seemed to jerk out of the hole and she stumbled against the door frame. Of course, it didn’t help that her glasses were slipping down her nose and that her right bra-strap was slowly creeping down towards her elbow.
Comment · October 25th, 2009 at 9:42 pm · Link
Honestly? Too much description. You are opening your book with your character opening a door. Is that exciting? Compelling? Does it make you care about the character or challenge you to find out more?
Nope.
It’s written well…that’s not the issue. There is no HOOK.
Why is it important that this is all happening to her? What is about to happen that will change everything? What is the “inciting incident”? Get closer to that and maybe there’s a jazzier beginning in there somewhere.
Comment · October 26th, 2009 at 6:28 am · Link
THanks Julie! Fresh eyes like yours are great. I apprecite the nudge into action!
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I remember Rocki’s story now with that hook.
“I don’t like what Operation Iraqi Freedom has done to me. I went to the war a soldier; I came back a vampire.” – Mario Acevedo’s The Nymphos of Rocky Flats
Yes, that got me to read the book and I’ve enjoyed this series.
Here’s mine from a WIP.
“I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore… no happy endings and happily ever afters,” she whispered as dying embers of light streaked across the night sky.
Still not satisfied with it, but it’s better than the previous versions.
Going for my five consecutive NaNo win this year. Good luck to all the Wrimos, official and unofficial
Have a great weekend everyone!
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Cassie, good, but again, you could break it up, get rid of that dialogue tag and make it a little punchier. Maybe something like…
“I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore.” Dying embers of light streaked across the night sky and she softly wept. “No happy endings, no happily ever afters.”
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Thanks Leslie! That’s got more of a punch and that’s the exact sentiment I wanted to convey.
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Is it too late to play?
This is the first line of the prologue for one of my wips.
She rode him, and he let her.
Any help is always appreciated.
Great topic, guys!
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Well, it certainly would make me want to read further to find out more!
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Thanks, Julie.
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Ok.. here’s my revised first line to my first ever WIP…
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“Shit.” Pete Marshall hurled the remote against the off button on the flat screen television just as yet another distraught, bleach-blonde baby-momma pled with her toothless boyfriend to take a paternity test. With his teammates on an extended road trip, Pete sat alone in his living room waiting for the massage therapist to arrive.
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Oooh, Cindy! Thanks for playing!
This has potential! I feel for the guy right away and he’s identified as an athlete, which is a hook for romance readers. I might lose the “Shit” only because some readers are really sensitive about cursing and you might not want to hit them with it in the very first line (read this recently on a reader blog.)
The second sentence, I think, needs to transition better.
Something like (I don’t know what body part is injured, so I’m just making one up!)
He’d give his healthy right arm (if he had one) to be out on the field warming up with his team rather than trying to hold onto his sanity long enough for the massage therapist to arrive.
I’d be looking for something that explains why he’s watching crappy TV, hints and what’s wrong with him, and leads to where you want to go.
Does that help?
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That helps tremendously… so, let’s give this one more shot…
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Pete Marshall hurled the remote against the off button on the flat screen television just as yet another distraught, bleach-blonde baby-momma pled with her toothless boyfriend to take a paternity test. He rubbed his thumb along the angry red scar on his right knee cursing the injury that left him sitting alone in his living room instead of joining his teammates on the road.
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And Julie – thanks so much for the advice. As a new author, I appreciate your taking the time to read even just two lines and offering your opinion. It means a great deal.
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Yes, this works! I’m glad I could be helpful!
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I write YA, so this line is from Book One in a series I’m writing>
“I’m meeting two FBI agents in Central Park today.”
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It’s definitely interesting…I’d certainly want to read the next sentence to find out why.
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I am saddened by the fact that I missed this blog. Jules, I MISS MARISELA TOO!!!
Um, I loved the opening line for Dirty Little Secrets…I think it worked for me because I started reading it right after finishing the first book.
I really need to work on the hook. It can definitely make or break a book for me, especially if it is in my TBR pile. It is a good thing that I read my books based on what mood I am in from that pile.
Picked up Blazing Bedtime Stories…haven’t had the chance to get into it yet though. I missed so much…I hate getting sick…It is great to be back.
Peace and love,
Paula R.