Yesterday, April 11th, was my 20th wedding anniversary with my husband, Don. After so many years, I thought it would be fun to show “then” and “now” pictures, and share a bit about what I think has enabled Don and I to make it to this marriage milestone.
Here is a picture of the two of us at our wedding in 1987. It truly was a beautiful wedding and reception, and even after twenty years I can still remember so much about it all. We were both pretty young by today’s standards. I was twenty-one, and Don was twenty-five, and even though we’d dated for five years before getting married, I don’t think the two of us realized just how difficult the first year of marriage would be. For us, that first year was a “make or break” year. We thought we knew everything there was to know about one another, and for the most part, that was true. But believe it or not, it was the little things that nearly killed us. 
Two months after getting married, we moved into a brand new house that we bought, and that’s when those “little things” started making themselves known. Don hated the way I’d squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, and we’d argue about why I couldn’t just squeeze it from the bottom like he did. 
I would get annoyed at how he couldn’t manage to get his underwear into the hamper and how I’d have to pick them up off the floor by his side of the bed :doh: (too much information, I know, LOL!). But it was stupid things like these, along with the fact that I was working during the day from 8-5, and he was working graveyard from midnight to 8AM, and it seemed like we were arguing or fighting all the time about SOMETHING. More so than we’d fought in the five years that we were dating!
It finally got to the point that we knew we both had to make some changes, or we’d never make it for the long haul. So, we established some “rules” to help us get through those rough patches, and believe it or not, it’s these “rules” that have gotten us through the past 20 years with relative ease. 
So, if I had to give someone some tips on how to make a marriage work, this is what I’ve learned, and what has worked so well for Don and I.
1) Before starting an argument about something, decide just how important winning that argument is to you. Let’s go back to the silly toothpaste issue. During the course of this discussion/argument, Don decided that it just wasn’t worth getting upset about me squeezing the toothpaste from the middle and let it go. To this day, I still squeeze it from the middle. As for me, I decided that I could live with picking up Don’s underwear and tossing them into the hamper, as long as his side of the bed faced the farthest wall and I didn’t have to see those unmentionables when I walked into the room, LOL. Bottom line, when an argument ensues, it’s all about compromise. Someone has to give (or else it will just breed resentment), and it’s a matter of deciding just how important that issue is to each person, and letting the person who feels most strongly about it get their way. So, over the years, Don and I have given in on different things, depending how important it was to each of us.
2) We truly don’t go to be at night without resolving a problem or argument. Now, that’s not to say that we haven’t gone to bed upset with one another, but we ALWAYS make sure that the issue has been talked through and resolved.
3) We don’t bring up issues from the past. Once a problem or issue between us is resolved, it’s done and put to rest. We don’t bring it up again, or use it against the other person.
So, to summarize, it’s communication, compromise, and trust that has made our marriage as strong as it is. And now, twenty years and two daughter’s later, we’re each other’s very best friend. Don is the one I want to grow old with, and I’m looking forward to spending at least another twenty years with him. :love:
And looking at this “now” picture, we really haven’t changed all that much. My hair is a lot less “poufy” (hey, it was the 80′s when I got married and it was all about BIG hair, LOL!), and even though Don still has all his hair, it’s sprinkled with gray and he’s opted to keep it cut super-short just to make things easy on him. I still think we make a cute couple!
So, what advice do you have that has helped to make your marriage, or a relationship, successful?
Janelle Denison finds it hard to believe that it’s been nearly 25 years since she first started writing romance novels. At first, it was a way to pass idle time while her husband worked swing shift, but before long it became an obsession to get published. Luckily, she kept at it (it took her over 5 years to get that first book published!) and is now a Waldenbooks, Barnes & Noble, and USA Today Bestselling author! Now, after selling over 45 plus novels, she finds that her Plotmonkey pals help to keep her stories fresh and unique, and she can’t imagine writing a story without their input. Janelle lives in Oregon with her husband, Don, along with two teenage daughters that keep life interesting.
Destiny
Dirty Little Secrets
Once Upon A Valentine
Through The Night
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Aw, how sweet! You both look fabulous, Janelle, and I wouldn’t doubt that it has a lot to do with the fact that you don’t spend all your time fighting – no wrinkles – LOL.
I agree with what you said, and I think setting these boundaries are great. At the same time though, I think you get into trouble if you set too many rules.
I’m not currently in a relationship, but one thing that I found that worked for me was to let each other have some space/time away from each other. I never understood women (okay and men too) who don’t like their men to hang out with their friends. Men need their “guy time” too. Not every night, but I think it’s good to let each other have outside interests. Some couples I know love to spend ALL their time together, and that’s great, but it’s not for everyone. At least I’ve never found anyone I want to be around 24/7 without getting a little smothered LOL.
Trust is huge. If you can’t trust the person you’re with – checking their email, voicemail, wallets – then you shouldn’t be with them. Learn to trust your instincts.
And I’d like to say congratulations to all those who have sustained a long, loving relationship – it’s definitely work, but worth it :) :love2:
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and shame on you for not telling me yesterday!
You guys loook GREAT! Cant’ see Don’s grey and you both look young now too AND HAPPY!
(I think the plotmonkeys should share their wedding photos on one day so we can compare and laugh. FUN!)
You’re right. COMPROMISE. PHil also leaves his underwear (and his sweats and sweatshirt) on the floor of his side of the bed. My mother said she cured my father of this early in marriage by hanging the dirty clothes all over the house until she ran out of door knobs. :happy2: Phil wouldn’t notice or care. So I pick them up.
I’m emotionally needier than Phil is. He’s not so good at learning how to give this, but when we do discuss/argue, he understands and gets me and knows what to do to make it up and work.
Our biggest “it” issue is money and again we’ve both learned to work around each other’s pet peeves and sometimes that’s the blowup issue and even then, we kiss and make up because in the end, I love you is the thing that matters.
Phil is the kind of person who could keep an argument going for weeks or just not talk to someone. He just NEVER has done it at home nor would he. He respects how I feel. He knows my weaknesses and never uses them against me. Another important thing.
I’m lucky. I know it. All that said, nothing is perfect and marriage takes WORK. My mom had some very good advice from pre-marriage days:
1. Don’t marry someone expecting them to change or thinking you can change them. For the most part, beyond compromise and growth, you’re asking the impossible so make sure you can live with the things you know about, b/c like Janelle said, the new things will crop up.
2. Marriage is work. Both people need to be willing to know that and work at it.
3. Iron out the “big” things first – kids, religion, how you’ll do money etc. because again, the little things will crop up, so best to know what you all believe first.
OK off my
just really enjoyed this one. 
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And what Stacy said too. Trust. How did I forget that one? :doh:
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Happy Anniversary! I’m not currently in a relationship, but I’m loving all the tips for the future. My big thing with my last relationship was not giving me the time I needed both alone and with my friends. The guy would get mad if I didn’t spend all my time with him. I think you need time away…even if it’s just a night out with friends(for both men and women). Maybe I’ve just been single for too long, but even all my married friends seem to feel the same way. We have a set night at least once a month when it’s just the girls getting together(no kids or husbands/boyfriends allowed).
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Happy belated anniversary… thanks for sharing the tips and the pictures.
My husband and I will be having our 19th anniversary over mothers day weekend, we got married really young too. I had just turned 20 two days before the wedding, and he was 23.
In all honesty its been rough to say the least, not all the time but we sure have both had our times where we didnt think we could do it anymore. I think what saves us is the fact that he is active duty and gone alot. Not always long deployments, but alot of one week here, two weeks there. Its just enough breathing room to keep us going. He did do 9 months in Desert Storm in 1990, and did 16 months in Iraqi Freedom, and right now just have a feeling that he will probably be headed back in the next year for another long tour.
Dont get me wrong i do love him, i must weve been together since i was 18, but sometimes the breaks save us from some serious issues…
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My best advice would be: Learn to get over the small stuff.
So he leaves his dirty socks on the floor. Does that make him a bad person? Does that make you flawless?
Let go of that piddly stuff. It means nothing. Concentrate on the reasons you got married. Remind yourself of the good.
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Janelle – Happy Anniversary! I think you guys look better now! :wink: My hubby and I are coming up on #24. Your tips are right on the money, although I have to say that I have gone to bed angry at times – I needed to cool down before having a calm, rational discussion!
So Congrats – it’s quite an accomplishment!
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Happy Anniversary Janelle! This summer will be 18 years for my husband and I. Like you, I started dating him when I was 16 and we got married when I was 22, he was 23. I think the most important thing that’s kept our marriage strong is communication and patience. And I’m very lucky because every day my husband tells me how much he loves me – which I sometimes find hard to believe when I’m cranky, or grumpy, or overwhelmed with the kids, or doubting my writing or mad at myself for eating 12 cookies instead of 2 – and I tell him I love him right back!
Did you do anything special to celebrate the big day?
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What great pictures! You must have worn some killer heels on your wedding day, or you’ve shrunk 2 inches in 20 years. LOL!
Hmm, advice? My hubby and I are nearing 18 years, and I guess the only advice I have is to marry your best friend.
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:love2::love2::love2:Happy Anniversary! You two do look as young as when you got married. My only advice (beyond what has been said) after dating 5+ years and married almost 12, know your partner. There are times when he needs some ‘breathing’ room (like now, during busy season), I focus a lot on the kids, but be flexible enough to come together (find a stupid show to watch together and stick with it). A little like Jolene. Also, remember, with the kids, you are a TEAM. You may not agree about the ‘big issues’, but listen and hear out your spouse, they may change your mind and compromise, compromise, compromise!
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Meant to say we’re coming up on 18 years in July.
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Janelle, You two look better now, & very happy!
I divorced after 10 years (though, alcohol was the main problem with him), but, short of raising kids, marriage is the hardest thing to make work. One thing I think did right was NEVER to go to sleep elsewhere other than the joint bed. (Though he did, a couple of times.) Sometimes, making love helps things. I feel trust & money issues are very important, as is allowing each other to have lives outside of the two of you.
So glad you’ve found ways to stay together for 20 years. It’s so hard to make happen.
Patricia A.
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Congratulations Janelle! I agree with Lori…Marry your best friend, it makes marriage alot easier…lol September will be 20 years for me and my husband and I agree with you Janelle, the first year was the hardest. I was 21 he was 23 and two months into our marriage I became pregnant with our daughter. Money was tight and being pregnant and working full time was a challenge especially while trying to figure out how to be a good wife. The most important thing we learned that year was that no matter what comes our way, as long as we stick together to face it we could get through anything. So for the past 20 years its been US against the world (and the kids, and dog)..lol And most importantly we still love each other, still want to spend time together, and he still gives me butterflies when he kisses me….life is good :love2:
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I think TRUST is absolutely essential to a marriage, too! And Don and I trust one another without question. I’ve never had a reason NOT to trust him, and vice-versa. Without trust, a marriage would just crumble, IMO.
I also think that “space” is good for a marriage, as well. Don goes golfing with his buddies, and he goes on “guy” trips, just like I go on “girl” trips. We’re definitely each other’s best friends, but I have girl best friends, too, and they’re very important to me, too!
Congratulations to everyone who has been in a long term relationship or marriage. It’s certainly not easy sometimes, but it’s definitely worth it when you find “THE ONE”.
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I’m really enjoying everyone’s stories and advice! Most of the advice is something Don and I already do, but it’s always nice to be reminded!
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Robin — We didn’t do anything special to celebrate THE DAY, mainly because it was the middle of the week, but we’re going away this weekend near Santa Barbara for a wedding and plan to make it an “anniversary weekend” as well. Should be fun! :love:
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Lori — I think part of my height on my wedding day was my BIG HAIR that made me look about four inches taller, LOL! :happy2:
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:love:Happy Anniversary. You make a wonderful couple. I have been married for nine years and the first year was the hardest. We were building our house and had to deal with money issues, and different tastes. Our compromise was to give him the outside and me the inside. That is how we solve must of your problems. We look at what we each bring to the table and decide from that point who gets their way. We both make it clear to the other everyday that they are the most important person in our life (well of course the kids also). I look forward to my twenty year annivesary, it feels wonderfu to know that you have found your soul mate.
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I’m baaack! So sorry I missed the past week–moving was hellish and I’ll have stories to tell, but for right now I wanted to say “hi” and Happy Anniversary to Janelle and Don! Yesterday would have been my parents 52nd anniversay, too, Janelle.
And I couldn’t have said your rules better myself. Bruce and I have the same ones–don’t sweat the small stuff, it’s not worth arguing over. If it *really* means something to the other person, give them their way. If not, it’s just not worth angsting over.
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Leslie (sorry, Janelle, for using your post…), So glad you got through the moving trauma. Are you all back at your sister’s house until you find your own new home? (Um, know it’s not my business, but, still would like to know….–LOL)
Patricia A.
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Everything said here is what contributes to a successful marriage. Something I heard recently that also is a help is that you are appreciated. I think this for the most part is what women want but men also need it. I have been single for over 25 years after being married for 14 so I am no expert but I have learned a lot over the years. One piece of advice I would give to any female is do not settle for any relationship that is not good for you, it just won’t work.
Thanks Janelle for sharing the pictures & your happiness with us. :)
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Hi Patricia–yes, we’re staying with my sister until at least the end of the school year, then hopefully we’ll find a house over the summer!
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The weather should be beautiful this weekend in Santa Barbara Janelle. Have a wonderful time!
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Happy Anniversary. We don’t fight alot. Sometimes it’s over little things like clothes eveywhere( hubby & son) take clothes off all over the place. I think trust is the main one and to give each other space too.
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Congrats to Janelle and everyone else who’s made it! I agree with everything that’s been said: compromise, trust, pick your battles. Our biggest challenge is figuring out how to raise/handle/contain our 11 year old with mood disorders.
It’s funny, because the 1st year wasn’t our toughest, it was the 2nd. Our son was born 1 week after our 1 year anniversary and it has been shear hell from day 1 with him. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed that we end up taking it out on each other and then, like someone else said, we have to remind ourselves that we’re a team and in this together. My husband is constantly saying, “WE’LL work through it.” and WE always do.
Remebering to work together is what has saved us when it’s gotten really tough.:love:
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Janelle, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that you and Don made it twenty years…and I have no doubt you’ll make it twenty more and then, God-willing, twenty more after that! You’re both an inspiration. I’m so happy for your milestone…happy anniversary!
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Congrats! I am so happy for you.
You are such a gorgeous couple. I am inspired by all the advice and longevity that seems to be in the air today. In just 13 more days I will be celebrating my 11th. Gotta say…my hubby makes me feel safe and secure. If I am upset or have a migraine his touch calms me down instantly.
Have a great weekend!:love2::kiss::love2:
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it will be 10 for us in October, and we ain’t killed each other. Yet!!:devil:
With our vast age difference we have learned to do things we both like, and what the other one hates or at least doesn’t enjoy. That is another big thing.
You can’t always have it your way. Sometimes you (meaning me) just has to go along with one more trip to a battlefield, even if the outcome is the same. At least I don’t drag him to concerts. He should have no complaints.
The dog cured him of leaving his socks and underware on the floor- she steals them. And she only wants dirty ones. You never knew where- or when- they would turn up.:happy2:
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My Don and I just passed 42 years.
He still tells me he’s a work in progress.
Something I think he heard in a country song.
Don’t tell him but he has really aged like a fine wine.
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Happy Anniversary Janelle and Don
:cocktail::cake:
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Wow Jeannie! That is awesome!
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Congratulations Janelle. My husband and I celebrated our 23rd on March 31st. Where has the time gone! I think we have stayed happy because we hear each other out when we have a problem with one another. We encourage outside interest for each other. We remember that we need to spend special time with just the two of us without our daughters, from time to time. I’ve learned its not always perfect, but there are alot more good times then bad. I agree don’t sweat the small stuff. Be nice to each other!!!!
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Thanks everyone for the congrats, and I’m so inspired by everyone else, too! I think everyone’s advice is wonderful, and it appears that there are a lot of fantastic relationships and marriages out there! :love:
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Those are beutiful pictures!
You got married the year I was born.
I’m glad to see you both have made it 20 years — here’s to another 20 and beyond!
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Happy Anniversary! Getting along together for such a long time is a lot of give and take and it has to be on both sides. If one person is doing all the giving or all the taking, either the relationship won’t last very long or the person doing all the giving will just burn out after so many years. And yes, as others have said, don’t sweat the small stuff is important as well. Congrats to you and your hubby on your 20 years and all the best for many more happy years to come!