Warning: I’m getting serious today (which you all know I don’t do very often!) Don’t worry, it’s not anything earth-shattering, I’m just going to discuss something that I feel is important and often isn’t talked about.
When we started Plotmonkeys, the four of us vowed to keep this site fun and light and lively…we don’t want any flame wars here, and have managed to get through nearly a year without any. So I don’t intend to start one now. I just want to get something off my chest. Here it is:
Professional Jealousy Sucks.
There. I said it.
Sometimes we romance writers are portrayed as this loving sorority who all like each other, get along, and would do absolutely anything for anybody. And for the most part, that’s been my experience. It most certainly has been with the three amazing friends here with me on this site.
But…every one of us has also been nipped in the tail by that ugly jealousy/spite thing.
Carly has probably had it the worst. When she was fortunate enough to have her first single title book, The Bachelor, chosen by the Reading With Ripa book club, we all knew what it would mean for her…and were absolutely thrilled about it!
Some other people…weren’t so thrilled. She suffered slings and arrows that were cruel and unfair, from offensively-worded interviews and to-her-face slights, to back-stabbing by way of whisper campaigns. As her friends, it hurt to watch her go through it. Being the fighters Janelle and I are–and Julie being 10x us!– it was hard to sit back and let it go. But we did, mainly by keeping our sense of humor and forming a tight circle around her when any hateful, jealous beeyotches got too close.
(BTW: What slayed me was that people acted as though her success was their loss–as if it had cost them something. Or they merely acted as though she didn’t deserve it. Ahem: She got on the New York Times bestseller list the first time because of that book club. She’s hit it again and again since then by having the goods to back it up and delivering damn fine books!)
But it isn’t just the people at Carly’s level who get the knife between the ribs sometimes. I’ve felt it. Julie has. Janelle has. It can come in many different ways. I know of authors who’ve had other authors write crappy anonymous reviews of their books. Who’ve used them for personal gain, then dumped them once they get what they needed. Who’ve raved about their books to their face while panning them to everyone else within earshot. Who’ve lost to someone in a contest and turned around and called them a “nobody” to their face. Or simply those who play this bizarre game, being so sweet in person or in an email to someone…then laughing about the other author to their “real” friends. (I personally don’t believe people with so much negative energy and spite in their souls have any real friends!)
Sounds so ugly, I know, and I hate to expose this underbelly to you readers who’d maybe prefer not to know it exists. But if we’re going to talk about the reality of our lives as working romance writers, this subject simply has to come up. I don’t know anybody in this profession who hasn’t been touched by it in one way or another. (And I’m sure many other professions experience it, too!)
There are only two ways to get past the ugliness. The first is by having true friends who you know you can trust, no matter what..
Like the Plotmonkeys.
Believe me, when I found out about something awful that another writer–someone I’d never even met–said about me to of to a bunch of people at a conference once, I was horrified. Julie however, (once she peeled me off the ceiling) totally had my back. So did my amazing editor, who had handled the whole ugly thing long before I ever even heard about it.
Which brings me to the second thing that helps you deal with this nastiness:
Karma Exists.
I firmly believe it. If you are shitty and hateful to other people, if you make snide public accusations, if you smile to someone’s face and say nasty things behind their back, not only will it make you look bad, but it will often come right around and bite you in the ass.
More times than not, you will get caught. People talk. A lot. And those things have a way of getting around. Sometimes they get back to the people you were talking about. Sometimes they get back to that person’s friends. Sometimes they even get back to that person’s editor…who you might want to sell to one day.
Karma, baby. I am all for it.
I am not a Pollyanna. There are people I don’t like, and I am sure there have been times I’ve griped about them to my friends. BUT I am not predisposed to disliking anybody and I’ve sure never chosen to hate someone because they: got a better cover/have more readers/get better sales/signed a great contract/hit a list/beat me in a contest/got in a hot anthology/got a great review…blah blah blah.
And I most certainly don’t waste my time and energy on being deliberately hurtful to anyone.
My husband and I have raised our girls under one never-ending principle that is not determined by religion or race or nationality. It’s simply the golden rule, in our own unique lingo: “Don’t do anything to anybody else that you wouldn’t want them to do to you.”
Period.
Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It covers a multitude of sins (has certainly covered anything that’s arisen in our family) and yet also applies to the business world. Even the romance writing one.
If only more people would remember it.
How about you? Any green-eyed monster problems in your work lives?
Leslie Kelly used to say she wanted to be a doctor when she grew up, but then she discovered Nancy Drew books. Being a flashlight-under-the-covers-nose-in-book reader throughout her childhood, she couldn’t think of anything else she’d rather do as an adult than continue to lose herself in fictional stories. Her real life marriage of 20 years to the man of her dreams is a constant reinforcement that happily-ever-afters really can happen…and that they’re worth writing about. Living in Maryland, Leslie spends her non-writing time laughing a lot with the above-mentioned romance hero and their three daughters. Though an author of more than thirty sexy, contemporary comedies, she has recently branched out to write dark romantic suspense under the pseudonym Leslie Parrish.
ANOTHER WILD WEDDING NIGHT
Hard to Hold
Love Me If You Dare
Wild For Him
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I’m very sorry you guys have had to experience this nastiness. No matter how opinionated any of you are, you’ve always shown respect and friendship to the people that come here, extending it to your visits at RBtB, etc. You ladies are a class act, and don’t ever forget it.
I’m going to keep this brief because like you, I don’t want to wallow in the negative. I’m not a Pollyanna either, but I prefer to keep my negative opinions to myself. As a reader, this makes me a fangirl, which is usually not a compliment. Yes, even readers are treated like bottomfeeders from time to time, which makes no sense, but there are those who love the drama and stirring up trouble. Whatever.
As you say, there’s Karma, and living the golden rule. I’m not overly religious so it’s not about preaching my beliefs, but what goes around comes around, and we just have to sit back and wait…too bad I’m so dang impatient LOL.
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Stacy, I get very angry when someone who wants to remain positive is labeled as a “fangirl” with all the negative connotations that come with that. You have every right to make your choice to not spread negativity in the world. But it seems to me the only people who react this way are those who wallow in the negative and think they are providing some great service by tearing a book apart or worse, an author. Their opinion is tainted, anyway.
I’ve seen lots of reviewers/readers take the middle ground very successfully…being honest about what might have bothered them about a book without tearing the entire novel apart or attacking the author personally. I’m happy for those readers–and I, as an author, adore all readers who love books! The Internet has bred some ugliness in the reader world and that’s a real shame. It’s the price we pay for being “connected” to each other, I suppose.
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I’m a huge fan of Karma and if you get to see it … it’s an added bonus. But, knowing at somepoint what comes around goes around is a reward itself.
Leslie – what a wonderful rule to teach your kids. Simple yet will serve them well in life.
On a side note, I got to meet almost all of the plot monkeys while at RWA in Atlanta and you were all so nice and encouraging. A huge thank you! So, you all have good karma coming to you — if it hasn’t already arrived. I hope to run into all of you in Dallas.
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Amen. And if anyone is new to the industry and trying to figure out how to sort out the good eggs from the bad, stick the PlotMonkeys in the good pile and go from there.
But seriously, it’s not always fun to bring up the negative, but I think you do a great service to new and aspiring writers coming in wide-eyed and ignorant by letting them know not everyone is going to have their best interest at heart, and that a little caution can go a long way.
Sad, but true.
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What was it the Cowardly Lion said?? Let me at ‘em??
I deal with this type of thing at a charitable organization, which will remain nameless. It is ridiculous. Why people can’t help each other and then NOT stab them in the back is a mystery to me.
I brought the kid up the same way- maybe so much so that she has no problem telling people to their face what she thinks. None of this backstabbing crap for her. At least you always know where you stand, which is at least honest, even if it upsets you.
I firmly believe in karma. I have seen the fallout. Is it bad to feel good for being vindicated when it does happen????:devil:
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Stacy — We :love2: FANGIRLS like you!
Lori — I think it’s hardest to see the jealousy and resentment going on around you when you’re an aspiring writer, but people do tend to show their true colors once you become published. And that’s when you learn who your true friends are! We’ve all been there and it’s tough and it hurts, too, when you find out that someone you trusted isn’t the friend you thought they were.
I :love2: Karma!
I :love2: my Plotmonkeys! :love:
I :love2: all the FANGIRLS who hang out here and make us laugh and smile on a daily basis.
Okay, my love-fest is over.
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A rule I’ve always told my kids — and I can’t remember where it comes from — is, before you make a comment to or about someone, ask yourself three questions about what you are about to say: (1) Is it true? (2) Is it kind? (3) Is it helpful? If you can’t answer all three in the affirmative, then don’t say it. Works pretty well, IMO. I have no time for the rejoinder you often hear — Well, it’s true! — in defense of unpleasantness — as if all truths, subjective or objective, should be spoken, regardless of who they hurt.
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Phyllis — I love your rule! I’m going to pass that one along to my kids, too. What’s funny is that my girls are kind to other people (they know I’d whoop their butts if I found out otherwise!), but it’s how they treat EACH OTHER sometimes that dumbfounds me! So maybe if they ask themselves those three questions before mouthing off to one another they’ll think twice before saying something they can’t take back.
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I’ve learned who to trust and who not to, I’m not always careful enough about being HONEST about myself – that can come back to bite me, I’m too trusting. But I love my friends, my plotmonkeys, my readers, FANGIRLS and more. I teach my girls to be nice, but I have never seen anything quite like teenagers and the backstabbing, the meanness, the hurt they cause each other, the hurt they cause others they claim are FRIENDS. IT’s hard to raise kids in this world today, but you all offer great words of wisdom to give our kids and to use ourselves!
:thankyou::thankyou:
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Leslie, sorry you all have experienced this. I also have had my share in the soap opera world in which I had a great many friends (I thought), which were shown not to be. At the time other friends said I should just forget getting close to people, that this should provide a lesson about human nature. I responded with, “if this experience makes me believe that all human beings are lowlives, they will have taken one of the most valuable assets I have, my belief in people, & I won’t give them the power to do it”. Afterwards, within the soap world, I met my best friend, who, in spite of living in Brooklyn, while I live in L.A., has remained so for over 18 years. I haven’t been involved in the soap world for years, but, that hasn’t separated the two of us. I honestly believe there are many, really good people in the world, but, it’s a tough lesson when you find that someone you trusted isn’t one of them. I’ve so admired how you 4 are so close so as to trust your precious ideas for stories with each other, even though, essentially, you are competitors. It seems it must be pretty rare.
Patricia A.
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I think the backstabbing is EVERYWHERE. Imagine my shock when my supposed “best friend” who I grew up with was stabbing me in the back because of a boyfriend I was dating back in High School. She went as far as to call his ex-girlfriend and let her know where I hung out outstide of school so we would have a confrontation. Needless to say, I totally agree with Carly. Kids in school have some very hard choices on who to trust.
I have never heard the term “fangirl” before. What the heck is that supposed to mean??? Someone that always praises someone?? :doh:
Listen, I have read books by my favorite authors before and not gotten into them as much as their other books. But I would NEVER send them a nasty letter, post something on the interenet or any other form of negative publicity. It is just my opinion of the book at that particular time. But now when I do LOVE a book I go out and spread the word and will email. If that makes me a fangirl…than I embrace it. LOL!
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LOL Janelle! I :love2: your lovefest!
Phyllis, I like those three questions. They will stick with me.
Ev, I think you’re right about honesty. I don’t expect everyone to like me, but it would be nice if the ones who didn’t simply ignored me rather than pretended to be cordial in the public eye. It’s the wolf in sheeps clothing that does more harm than anything, because they create an environment where you don’t know who to trust.
I’ve got one woman at the office who’s constantly playing sweet, even though I know each and every thing she’s said about me behind my back. Being we have to deal with each other on a daily basis, I keep my mouth shut, smile and nod, but every time she shows feigned interest in my life, my stomach turns.
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Well, I’m really glad this has sparked some discussion! I know it’s a universal thing, and figured everyone could relate, which is why I brought it up.
Honestly, I’d never considered the “fangirls” situation! The whole “us SMART” fans vs. “those DUMB fans” is so incredibly ridiculous to me. I don’t know any author who doesn’t understand that not everyone is going to looooove every single one of her books. And we’re really okay with that! The fact that readers (like the Plotmonkeys readers!) come back and keep reading and keep giving us a shot at entertaining them makes that realization especially pertinent.
We REALLY do appreciate it!
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Phyllis–I love your 3 questions!
I have been so fortunate that my girls haven’t had too much of the high school/teenager crap. I think part of that stems from the fact that they’re so close to each other. My oldest is a beatnik love child who wouldn’t say a negative thing about anyone. My middle is a bulldozer who doesn’t give a crap what anybody thinks. And my youngest is a cerebral who’s simply above it all…lolol!
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Wish I had some great words or wisdom to impart – I just know that this is a sight that I feel comfortable coming to – where I will get to read those great words of wisdom. Keep up your “great” words (work) ladies. I will always be a reader.
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Unfortunately, the jealousy and envy thing exists in so many phases of one’s life; I think it is quite noticable in the work place, one person feels another received something they didn’t or works harder than another, etc. It is also noticeable in neighborhoods by one having a better house, better yard, better clothes, cars, etc than someone else. It seems some people are not happy unless they can make someone else look bad or feel bad…very sad! We are all humans, no matter what color, religion or nationality, and should treat others as we would want to be treated. A smile and a kind word can make a person’s day, especially if they pass it on to someone else and that person passes it on and so on and so on.:D
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It’s interesting…but I have always wondered about this because you guys are always in the public eye.
Since I don’t work right now, I haven’t experienced it at work. However, I have experienced in my family life. Let’s just say that there are a few people who are EXTREMELY jealous of me and my life. This always makes me chuckle because there are days when I think to myself, “why would ANYONE be jealous of ME?” I can’t think of a single reason why. But, Karma bites you in the keister. What goes around, comes around and they are getting their just desserts (that sounds mean, but after all of the pain they have caused me, it is a little justified…if you only knew).
I hope you all know (and that includes the authors who post here), that we, the posters, love you guys. We love that you have provided us with a positive, encouraging, supportive environment and entertainment. I am so grateful for all of your books. You guys make even the darkest day, wonderful. :wave::wave::wave::wave::wave::wave:
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What a great topic today Leslie.:thumbsup2:
I myself have always tried to live by the golden rule..I treat others as I want them to treat me.
I had an experience when I volunteered to work concessions for the band boosters (I was a member) It seemed to get off with the president of the band boosters (yes, it was a female) that I was all smilie and said “thank you and please” a lot. She made me feel bad enough that after 2 years I quit voluteering. :cry:
I try to see the glass and half full. If there is something I can do to change something, I do it. I don’t sit around whining if I can’t or won’t do anything to change for the better.
I think people that b#!*h and whine about the rewards someone else achieves are just angry at themselves that they didn’t take an opprotunity or didn’t take a chance when they should have.
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Unfortunately we all seem to experience the back stabbing and it can be ever so hurtful. I know first hand how it can hurt, and won’t go into my recent episode of jealousy, back stabbing or whatever you want to call it……you are so lucky to have the support of such great friends, editors and family.
Just know that your readers are solidly behind you as well……:party:
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Phyllis, I, too, love your three questions! I definitely have to pass them on to my three kids.
On this topic–I, too, have been burned many times. My husband says it’s because romance writers on the whole are a group made up entirely of women and that’s what women do. I don’t agree. It happens because this is a business. A very competitive business. Men do the same thing in business. Step over the little guy to get ahead. I do think women tend to gossip more (though this belief has been challenged when I listen to my hubby talk to his fishing buddies about buddy #X who used to call and doesn’t, etc.) Talk about a bunch of girls. Anyhow, this is a business and ugly things can happen in business. I, too, am a firm believer in karma, however. What goes around does come back around. I’ll never forget one time when I got the nastiest of reviews from a reviewer. I’m talking HORRIBLE. Worst of the worst. I cried. Then I bitched. Then I was ready to tear her hair out. She was downright mean when she didn’t have to be (not just critical of my work). I managed to calm down and a few days later I wrote her a thank you note. I wasn’t snippy. I wasn’t snide. I didn’t cleverly put her in her place. I simply said thank you for taking the time to review my book. I told her that I knew it was hard enough to find time to read books that you absolutely love, much less ones that you detest, and I really appreciated her making the effort. That reviewer actually approached me at a conference sometime later and said that I was the first author who had ever thanked her for a bad review. She wasn’t overly kind to me in other reviews after that, but she wasn’t as mean or spiteful. She focused on the work and wasn’t cruel. Every time I’m ready to kick some ass, I remember that and keep my temper in check. I also rely on my very close writing friends for comfort. They face the same, as well. We all do. But it’s all in a day’s work.
Carly–my heart goes out to you. I know you face a lot of criticism because of the path your success has taken, but you should be extremely proud of yourself. Les is right, you may have had that initial break, but you don’t see continued success unless you’re doing something really right. And you are. You’re bringing new readers to our genre and I for one am extremly grateful! Keep it coming, girl!!!
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Hypocrits – way too many of them out there. The only thing that works for me is to keep hoping there really is such a thing as reincarnation so if they don’t get their comeuppance this time around they surely will the next time
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Kimberly, you are a WAY bigger person than I am. I probably wouldn’t have started a campaign against that reviewer, but I wouldn’t have thanked her for the review, that’s for sure, and if I saw her at a conference, she’d get that FU look I’m trying to perfect.
I hope your karma comes back to you in a big way. You deserve lots of the good kind!
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Very well said, Kim…Carly definitely brings romance readers into the fold!
And I hear ya about reviews. Honestly, though, I’ve come to accept them. Sometimes they sting, but I don’t let them get to me personally. In fact, the worst review I’ve ever had–from AAR, on Here Comes Trouble last year–just made me laugh. A definite case of wrong book with wrong reviewer!
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I actually think that romantic comedy gets tougher reviews than the more serious stuff. Namely because everyone’s sense of humor is different. What one person finds funny, another finds “raunchy” (to quote one of my PW reviews). I think it’s much harder to write comedy these days because it’s subject to such a wide range of responses. I mean, hey, the darker, more deep issues (domestic violence, terminal illness, etc) strike a chord in all of us. But not everyone finds the same things funny. Having written both, I always feel as if I’m drawing a bulls eye on my forehead when I write something funny (or something I think is funny, but obviously no one else does, hence the raunchy comment above). Anyhow, it’s all a crap shoot and if you plan to stay in the business, and stay sane, you have to let it roll off your back. You appreciate the fans who love you and respect the ones who are clueless (oops, did I say that?). I meant, you respect the ones who don’t love you.
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Phyllis, I love your questions, too! I’ve filed those away to share with my kids.
Heavy topic today, Les! Professional jealousy… unfortunately it’s a sad part of this business. I don’t think there’s an author out there who hasn’t experienced it in some form or another. I basically move along with the blithe assumption that everybody likes me and have no doubt missed a lot of it simply due to that attitude. It’s unrealistic, but effective. I try to have the backs of those I trust–a *very* small circle– and those I respect–a bigger circle–and hope that Karma takes care of the rest. There have been times when my bumbling attempts to “fix” things have come back and bitten me on the ass, but it’s hard for me to see a wrong and not at least try to make it right. The best advice has already been said–learn who to trust. I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever been jealous of anyone–envious maybe. But the difference between envy and jealousy is that you don’t begrudge another author any of the great things that come her way. Jealousy is toxic. Envy’s a motivator. :-)
Kimberly, I admire the way you handled that reviewer. It shows you have more class than she does. :-)
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As a reader I tend not to read reviews on books especially if I already read the author. Most of the time I find new authors and books to read from who my favorite authors read. I have found that the reviews are often not the same as my opinion of the book. Sometimes if I had listened to the review I would have missed out on a wonderful read.
Karma really does come back to bite those who are hateful and spiteful. This thought helps me during the times when people are stabbing me in the back, which has happened often but it has happened in life. It is never an experience one wants to repeat.
Plotmonkeys, you are all a class act who I love getting to know more through this blog and the books you write so well.
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Hi Leslie:
Everyone has a touch of jealously inside. It’s part of what makes us human. Whenever I feel a touch of jealously inside, I first ask myself whether or not I could have done the same thing only better. If the answer is no, then I don’t have the right to criticize. If the answer is yes, , then I keep quiet, because there is always someone out there that’s better than me.
Kimberly has a great approach. Saying thank-you for negative comments usually confuses the person. I like to also ask them how I can improve and you might be surprised how many folks won’t be able to articulate what to change and many of them actually change their minds about what they originally said.
When it comes to book reviewers, just remember the old saying. That that can, do. Those that can’t, teach. Those that can’t teach, critique. :;
Take care………Wayne
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You know, I think Rhonda hit on a key word. Class. If you take the high road, I feel certain Karma will back you. (Kudos to My Name is Earl for bringing that word back to everyday life and culture!) :happy2:
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The rule in our house growing up is if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. Now, there were times that my dad didn’t let my sister and I talk if we were being ugly(but we are best friends now, so it’s all in the past), but over all I still try to apply that saying as much as possible even as an adult. I love what class acts all the plotmonkeys are and I love the idea of thanking someone for saying something mean. My grandmother always said you catch more flies with honey…I guess it’s true with people too.
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I am a stay ahome mom and withother mom’s at tiimes thier has been much cattiness and in fighting. I was brought up to be excited and inspired when others did well. Some times being bicthy about someone seems cool and comes back a bites you in the tush. Karma rules. doesn’t it. Sue( not a Pollyanna but I have my moments,:) )
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Leslie, great subject for today. No matter what type of business you are working in there is “office politics”, back stabbing & jealousy. It is really the pits. One place I worked I had a supervisor that did not support me, it was not fun to deal with. Experiences like that give us a chance to learn & grow. I try very hard to not intentionally hurt anyone for any reason. If soneone reads a book that they don’t like I can’t see anything positive by bad mouthing it to everyone. When I read a book that I didn’t care for about the most I will say is “this book didn’t work for me”. Maybe it was my mood, the subject matter who knows. I do love that we can be “fangirls” & let you & other authors know how much we enjoy the book we just read. I can’t imagine contacting an author to tell her/him that I didn’t like the book. After visiting the Plotmonkeys & a few other authors I know how hard you all work on your books therefore I only want to pass praise along for that hard work & effort to continue to entertain us all.
Thanks for letting us be “fangirls”. :love2:
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Well, as much as I hate to “share the misery” it’s nice to know this theme is a universal one to which we can all relate!!!
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I also like “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”.
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:wave: Hi Leslie,
I can definitly say there is a lot of jealousy at my work. Because it got to the point where people spread nasty rumors about me. I got a job within a police dept that my father was their previous chief. SO everyone thought i got the job because of him, little did these people realize i struggled thru the academy without his help or anyone’s help except for my own. Now every day at work i face people who are jealous of me and i learn that i dont trust one of them because they rather spread vicious nasty rumors instead of focusing on their job. Someone once told me their jealous of me because im pretty and i talk to the men.
I go to work with a smile and then i go out to my post with a smile then i leave with a smile. I do this because i know who my true friends are and who will always back me up.
I think your topic was great today. I :love2: the plotmonkey websites, and I :love2: y’alls books.
Hugs, Elisa
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Jealousy occurs in all places, no matter what you do. I like your Golden Rule Leslie and I try to live by it myself. My mother used to say to me that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Works for me.
Know this plotmonkeys – all of us who come here to your blog to spend a little time with you each day – LOVE YA to pieces!! :love2:
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Phyllis, great questions! Simple, straight-forward, easy to remember.
LOL Janelle on the lovefest. Sometimes we all just need a cyberhug.
It’s a bit unrealistic to ask that we all “just get along”, however we can all respect each other.
As they say, cream rises to the top….
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I remember sitting next to an aspiring author at Dallas Nationals 2005? (I think that was the year) and I asked her what she wrote.
She sighed, and said she hoped to be a Carly Phillips one day.
In regard to the green eyed monster, I strangle the bitch the moment I realize she is trying to take hold. I’m a big believer in Karma, too. I refuse to waste my time on negativity. It can eat you alive.
You ladies are great. I’m glad you have each other.