Life with the beast…
Before I begin, I want to give you guys a heads up. Next week, while all the Plotmonkeys are in Atlanta for the national RWA conference, we’re going to have a special “week of exclusive excerpts.” Carly, Julie and I all have August books and we thought we’d give you a look at our books that you can’t get anywhere else.
For my part, I thought it would be fun for you to choose which excerpt from HERE COMES TROUBLE you’d like to read. So, in your comments below, please vote for excerpt # 1, # 2, or # 3
1. Murderous old ladies.
2. “Butch, sic Kiwis!”
3. Snakes in a plane. (Kidding…no way do I want to see that movie!) Actually this one should be called “Sex in a plane.”
Okay?
Now…on to today’s topic about the beast…
Before I begin, let me clarify. I am not talking about my husband…he’s Prince Charming, as I know you all already know.
I’m talking about the other male presence in my life right now. The black-haired, brown-eyed, 200 pound, lean, powerful creature with the rugged name of Killian.
Okay, so he’s only 5’2, but hey, he’s all solid muscle.
Oh, have I mentioned he’s a dog?
Let me explain. I am currently “between” homes–right now staying in Maryland with my sister to try to wait it out while the house in Florida sells. My very generous, amazingly kind sister has a big, lovely house in the country, with several extra bedrooms, a huge yard, a big pool, an enormous rec room…and a monster dog who runs the whole show.
The dog bends down to drink out of the kitchen sink, for God’s sake! (That’s the kitchen counter he’s facing!) 
He’s a great dane. But not just a great dane, he’s the biggest great dane ever created. My brother-in-law, the vet, has said that he’s never seen a bigger dog in his 20 year career. Picture Scooby Doo on steroids. Marmaduke with muscle (and bad breath.) I wasn’t kidding–his last weigh-in, over a year ago, put him at over 200 pounds. He stands eye-to-eye with my eleven year old. When you’re sitting on the couch, he towers over you. (I have the shiny hair to prove it…dog drool: wonder conditioner?!?)
Now, let me make it clear, I do not dislike dogs. In fact, I quite love them. Especially mine. My little doggie, Cassie, is like one of my children and I utterly adore her.
She’s a shih-tsu/poodle mix, weighs about 12 pounds, has a dazzling personality and is just brilliant. I am bragging, I know, but I’m serious–this dog doesn’t just roll over when you say “play dead” — she collapses into a boneless heap when you point your forefinger at her and say “bang.” (My middle daughter is into stupid pet tricks…you should hear Cassie “count” to ten when they’re playing hide-and-seek. She always hides in the same place and will not come out until someone shrieks, “Cassie, we FOUND you!”)
She’s a cuddle-bug, will curl up beside you and look up at you adoringly with her sweet brown eyes, somehow knows when you’re sad and will just put her little head on your lap to make you feel better. The kind of dog you can tuck into a carry-on bag, take to the airport, and fly across the country with–stuffing her under the seat like luggage–and she’ll never make a peep. For SIX hours.
Cassie has only one bad quality: she does not like other dogs. In fact, she hates them. She thinks she is a human being, and the minute she sees another canine, she goes into attack mode.
So you can imagine how we reacted the first time she met her “cousin” Killian.
I am so fortunate my little Cassie wasn’t turned into great dane chow. Because she went after that dog like she was really going to DO something to him. Killian, to give him credit, didn’t go back at her. He merely lifted his head, cocked on brow in confusion and looked at us with puzzlement in his eye, as if to say, “Where did this mouse come from and how did it learn to bark?”
I’d like to say they’ve gotten used to each other, but the truth is, we never let them on the same floor of the house at the same time. Cassie is too ballsy and Killian is too…unpredictable. He sometimes likes to leap around the house like a puppy (though he’s bigger than most ponies) and he could squash her like a bug if he landed on her.
Now, here are some of the things you have to get used to when you live with a monster dog. You may not–ever–leave food on the kitchen counter, not even while you’re preparing it. If you must cool a cake or a pie, you have to put it on top of the refrigerator.
I learned this the hard way at Christmastime when he devoured the entire batch of Almond Rocka I’d just made. (The candy that has to boil to 310 degrees, and which has caused the scars on my hands and wrists. If you ever meet me, you’ll notice the almond rocka scars right away.) The candy was not, fortunately, still at “hard crack” stage of 310 degrees, so the dog’s tongue and lips were not completely burned off. (Hmm…though, maybe that would have cured him of the eating-off-the-counter thing.)
More about Killian–if you’re sitting on a sofa in the family room having a conversation with someone sitting on the opposite sofa, be prepared to talk around the breathing wall of drool, flatulence and fur. Because he likes being between people. So he stands there–right in front of you–and WILL NOT MOVE. And if you try to ignore him, he will head butt you in the chest. Seriously. Put his head down, and just drive the top of his head into your chest until you’re pinned to the sofa like a butterfly to a display board, all the while dripping great strings of drool on your lap and imbedding black hairs into your clothes.
He likes to bark. Loudly. He eats enough dog food to bankrupt a small country. His water bowl is either entirely full of clean, fresh water…or it’s 1/3 full of stuff that looks like egg whites. (His drool.) And after he gets a nice long drink, he shakes his head really hard, sending the drool flying in all directions. (I leave the room when he’s drinking.)
All that said, you’d think I’d hate the beast. But I don’t. Because there’s something rather sweet about him. Like when I was posing for this picture, both of us looking straight ahead, and he suddenly swung his head up and smiled at me.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, he’s a major pain in the ass…but still, he has a mischievous streak. Like yesterday when he wouldn’t come in, so I walked out of the room and watched from around the corner. He finally stepped in–watching for me all the while and letting out one low, growly woof. I walked back in the room to shut the door. The moment he saw me, he darted back outside. A definite prankster, that one.
He’s also great company to have around when a stranger walks up to the door. I really think the pizza delivery guys draw straws to see who does NOT have to come here every Friday night.
I don’t know how long we’ll be staying here, at my sister’s very generous behest. (She really is an angel!) One thing I do know, however, is that I really can appreciate all dogs–great and small.
:doggie:
So, fess up, which do you prefer…big ones or small ones? 
PS: Don’t forget to vote for the exclusive excerpt!
Oh, #3 sounds pretty…interesting. That one gets my vote - as long as there’s no snakes.
I’m going to RWA - yay! Hanging with the lovely and talented Bad Barb - can’t wait LOL.
Big or small dogs? Tough choice. Growing up, we always had big dogs that stayed outside (we lived in the country). My mom called the little dogs “yippy dogs” and thought they were a little crazy, and my dad, who was a milkman before he married my mom, says they were always the ones that would bite. But personally, I love all dogs, especially if they like to play and cuddle. I don’t think I could choose just one.
Comment by Stacy ~ — July 17, 2006 @ 6:56 am
I vote for the Kiwis.
Leslie, I laughed til I cried this morning…this post is priceless. Makes me almost want to meet Killian. Almost! And I vouch for Leslie when she says Cassie is brilliant. She really is. And incredibly cuddly and cute.
My biggest dog was Buggabear, who died six years ago after fourteen years of ruling the roost. At his largest, he was 120 lbs. of black lab and chow. He was the sneakiest SOB in the universe, too. When he was an outside dog while living at my parent’s house, he would hide behind the airconditioner unit when the pool guys came because he knew if they didn’t see him in his pen (which separated the front yard from the back,) they would walk through to get to the pool on the other side. No, this wasn’t to attack them. Too easy. But they would leave the gate open and he would be able to get out and terrorize the entire neighborhood.
AND I honestly believe that he once saved me from a rapist when I was living in Georgia. My husband was out of town and I was taking the dog for a walk when this strange guy came out of no where. Buggabear never barked wildly when he was with me or on the leash. Instead it was his slow, barely audible growl that would accompany an unexpected lunge. We only got as far as the lunge when the the guy took off–the next night, a woman was raped on the other side of the complex and the descriptions matched.
That said, after Bugga passed on, I swore I didn’t want another dog unless it was a big one–I’d had them all my life. So what does my husband come home with? Lady, the 12 lb. dachsund. Not only is she FEMALE (I’d only ever had male dogs) but she was a morsel. A blip. She’s also the most non-aggressive dog I’ve ever met. The first thing she does when she meets a new dog–even a 4lb toy poodle–is roll over on her back and surrender.
Took me months to get used to her, but she’s now my best buddy.
I love doggies!
Comment by Julie Leto — July 17, 2006 @ 7:48 am
Okay, I am going to vote for #1.
Leslie, my husbands cousin had not one but two Great Danes running around there house. It was VERY interesting going over to there house for dinner.
But the drool is what got me.
Julie I have a yellow lab, and she is the biggest wussy dog I have EVER met. She does the same thing, she rolls over and surrenders to ANYTHING that comes near her without so much as a bark. It’s shameful actually. LOL!
Comment by Kelly — July 17, 2006 @ 8:05 am
PS: I had a Pomeranian that I LOVED also. But I don’t know that I prefer small or big. They both have their good qualities.
Comment by Kelly — July 17, 2006 @ 8:07 am
I think # 2 sounds fun!
I loved your post. I have a 20 pound Shi Tzu and I wouldn’t trade him for the world!
Comment by Toni Mitchell — July 17, 2006 @ 8:34 am
Morning, I vote for #1.
As for doggies, I love them all. Your picture of Cassie almost made me cry though. My most beloved dog was Teddy and he looks so very much like her. When my ex and I seperated I took Teddy with me and due to circumstances that I had no control over I had to find him a new home. I got Teddy when he was 6 weeks old (they lied to me about his age) He was 5 1/2 when this happened and it nearly tore me apart. He was/is my child right along with the two human children that I have. I did find him a wonderful home and that has been a little over a year ago. I miss him so much.
I am now in the position were I can have a dog and will not have to worry about it this time and seeing Cassie made me want one even more.
Comment by Vicki — July 17, 2006 @ 8:51 am
Hmmm. I have to say that #2 sounds very intriguing, Les!
Loved your post, Les. Made me laugh quite a few times!
As for dogs, I had a Saint Bernard growing up, so I can understand all that YUCKY drool. Kinda turned me off to big dogs. I have a 35 lb. mixed mutt now, and she’s just perfect for us. She looks like this, too: :doggie:
Comment by Janelle — July 17, 2006 @ 9:32 am
Morning Ladies,
I vote for #3 ( you can never go wrong with sex in an airplane
)
I never had a pet when i was growing up, so when my husband and i moved into our first house i told him i wanted a dog. We went to the Humane Society in Tampa and found the perfect dog. there he was this scared little puppy who was just found 15 minutes before we got there at the mall. it was fate! We named him Indiana (yes like the movie). He’s a shepperd/ beagle mix
!!!! best thing he’s very protective towards me and the kids, so when Hubby’s out of town i feel totally safe.
Comment by TRICIA — July 17, 2006 @ 9:49 am
I think #3 sounds interesting.
I love all dogs (all critters really). I have an 80 lb pitbull/boxer mix that is the friendliest, gentliest dog you will ever meet. Everyone who meets her falls instantly in love with her. She has absolutely no enemies. She wouldn’t hurt a bug. My 3 cats rub on her more than they rub on me. They love her. She also babysits the guinea pigs when we’re cleaning cages. She lets them crawl all over her and she doesn’t budge.
I also have a 20 lb Min pin/terrier mix that is an absolute terror. She barks and growls at anything and everybody. She is a little dog with a big dog attitude. My cats hate her. One of my cats won’t even be on the floor unless she is outside or in her pen and she thinks the guinea pigs are a squeaky toy.
Comment by Darcey — July 17, 2006 @ 10:10 am
I’ve read Here Comes Trouble for review and can vouch that they’re all good. Of course, #2 the Kiwi one, had me rolling on the floor. You guys are gonna love Here Comes Triouble!
And I’ll be in Atlanta next week! I printed out the list of signing authors for Wed night and working on my schedule for the workshops.
Comment by PattiF — July 17, 2006 @ 10:12 am
I vote for #2.
I have a sixty pound black lab and she is the most wonderful dog.
Comment by Patty Lacey — July 17, 2006 @ 10:32 am
I vote for whatever excerpt gets the highest votes….they all sound fun!
I love collies…we don’t have a dog, yet, but my three boys LOVE my mom’s collie dog. They even have pictures of her in their rooms. She’s very tolerant of them, too (they treat her like a queen…
Comment by katie — July 17, 2006 @ 10:35 am
I vote for #2.
I must say I like big dogs… I have 2 Huskies. I could do without the shedding,
but they are both big teddy bears.
Have a great week.
Comment by Renee — July 17, 2006 @ 11:09 am
# 3.
Cute doggies. i want one. have fun in atl!
Comment by kim H — July 17, 2006 @ 11:34 am
My vote is for #2.
I have had both big and small dogs. I can’t pick between them, love them all.
Comment by Susan — July 17, 2006 @ 11:53 am
My vote is for #1 or #2 (hey i cant choose!
) and as for big or small dogs, I generally prefer small dogs. But not the purse holding kind. I am a pug, cocker spaniel, english or french bulldog type of girl. But I do love big dogs like saint benards. Did I mention that I am indecisive? 
Comment by Tyne H. — July 17, 2006 @ 12:14 pm
#2 gets my vote.
I love all dogs big, small what ever. :doggie: My doggie is a 50 lb (yes she needs to loose 5 pounds) English springer spaniel. Bridgette is the apple of my eye.:love2::love2::love2::love2::love2::love2::love2::love2::love2:
I’m not much of a cat person even though I have an outside mouser cat.
I had a Saimese cat when I was younger and the cat attached and butchered my Holly Hobie doll that stayed on my bed when I was at school.
Comment by Gigi — July 17, 2006 @ 1:02 pm
I vote for #2
aww hot cute :doggie: looks dressed like a diva
I like little dogs as long as they don’t yap or droll lol
medium sizes dogs are nice, but large dogs like Killian are to big
Comment by Cherylann — July 17, 2006 @ 1:22 pm
Janelle I started Surf’s up last night so far so
Comment by Cherylann — July 17, 2006 @ 1:23 pm
Okay, this thing I gotta meet. And of course, now you’re back in maryland…
I know from the drool, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything THAT big. We had a Newfie.
I want a dog. I want a dog so badly. :doggie::doggie::doggie::doggie::doggie:
Comment by Diana — July 17, 2006 @ 2:08 pm
Oh, and I vote for sic kiwis.
Comment by Diana — July 17, 2006 @ 2:08 pm
My vote is for #1. I have a feeling it may lead to a laugh or two!
We also have had cats! They tend to be very independent!
I have had small, medium & large dogs. Since I can’t have pets where I live I don’t have to make a decision. Our largest dog was a St. Bernard, drooly, but a good dog but people are intimidated by the size of them & if he was being playful watch out cause you might get knocked down!! He actually was a very gentle dog. Growing up we always had a black lab & they are the best dogs, such a good family dog. I’ve also had a small dog that was a poodle mix & she was such a good dog, just a sweetheart. So see how could I choose between large or small?!
Comment by Donna M — July 17, 2006 @ 3:04 pm
I vote for #1, the murderous old ladies.
By the way, since I’m not going to RWA, on my blog, I posted the top 10 things that romance bloggers who are not attending can do while their favorite authors are away. Either click on my name beneath this post or go to http://readinnwritin.blogspot.com
Comment by Patricia — July 17, 2006 @ 3:06 pm
Is there a reason some of the icons are not working? I inserted a couple of smiles but the face doesn’t show up! Neither does the “cool” icon with the sunglasses.8)
Bye the way, I have seen 200 lb. Saint Bernards & they are a lot of dog!!
Comment by Donna M — July 17, 2006 @ 3:06 pm
#2 , please.
I’m with you. I prefer small dogs. I have a Pekingese and a Yorkshire Terrier.
Comment by Estella Kissell — July 17, 2006 @ 5:08 pm
THANKS PATRICIA,
I was just wondering what i was going to do with myself when everyone is in Atlanta.
I guess since i’ll be at work the least i could do is work
Comment by TRICIA — July 17, 2006 @ 5:10 pm
Wow…what can I say..I open my home to my family, I leave the little four legged shitz a ma zoo alone to enjoy the company of everyone while I retreate to my room…and I get insulted by a guest in my home. I only drool when I drink rarely have gas and only bark when I need something…..so…all I have to say to you is :biteme:
Comment by Killian — July 17, 2006 @ 5:25 pm
Comment by Kelly — July 17, 2006 @ 6:51 pm
Leslie, really enjoyed your story. Since you are in MD, does that mean you are close to the sale of your home? For your sake, hope so.
#3 is my choice. Can’t go wrong with the “mile high club”! Because I have raised an asthmatic son, I don’t have animals, big or small.
Patricia A.
Comment by Patricia — July 17, 2006 @ 7:29 pm
ACK! Killian has tracked me down! (So has his mommy. )
Killian, you’re welcome on my blog any day. Just don’t drool on my hot dog again, ‘kay?
Love, Aunt Leslie
Comment by Leslie Kelly — July 17, 2006 @ 9:20 pm
My vote is for #3.
I don’t care for yippers or droolers but I love everything else. I like medium sized dogs since they aren’t usually either. I’ve had a beagle and a med. sized mutt :doggie: who was a real sweetheart. I now have 5 cats.
And my daughter has me trying to save two abandoned baby mice! (no mice icons lol)
Comment by jeanne — July 17, 2006 @ 11:57 pm
My vote is for # 3.
. But these are some really nice pictures.
I am not a :doggie: person. I love
It is so hot Ugh. I don’t like this weather at all. Hope you all keep cool :cocktail:
Linda.H.
Comment by Linda — July 18, 2006 @ 12:29 am
I vote for #1.
. And the hubby. 
We had a neighbor who had and still has Great Danes, they are all big babies. I love dogs and cats of all shapes and sizes!!
We currently have 1:doggie:- looks just like Charlie- a lab mix- who is 90lbs and 1 little dog- Isis- a 10lb wire hair doxie. Both are rescues. Charlie is mine, Isis is supposed to be hubby’s. But since she got here a couple of months ago, NO ONE is allowed near me, including the cats
Comment by ev — July 18, 2006 @ 9:00 am
I vote for #2…….
Your blog is so funny, and I loved it. Myself I would like to have a German Shepherd or a Husky as a pet.
Comment by Cryna — July 18, 2006 @ 1:16 pm
1. Murderous old ladies.
And here I thought my brother’s first dog was big.
Comment by Minna — July 19, 2006 @ 4:07 pm