Another baaaaaad day for Leslie
Since everyone seemed to enjoy hearing about my idiocy with the paint and the hot guys last week, I figured I’d share with you, on occasion, more really-bad-day examples from my life.
Here’s one from last year.
Okay, I’m hard at work one weekday, not watching the clock, when I realize it’s 2:20 and I am a few minutes late leaving for the school to pick up my youngest. I grab my laptop and my purse and go out into the garage. (I bring the laptop because no matter how late I am, there will still be a long line of cars in the car loop and I can get a few paragraphs written.) So, like I said, purse, laptop, keys, garage.
Then I realized I forgot a check I needed to take to the bank (which is right by the school) went into the house, grabbed it, raced back out the door, flicking the lock on the knob behind me…and realized I’d just left my keys on my desk.
I’m locked out. The kid gets out of school in 5 minutes. And since I’d planned to just pick her up, go through the bank drive-thru and come right home, I am wearing what are basically pajamas and flip-flops. (Hey…I was on deadline…it was amazing I even had the shoes on!)
Now, to go over this situation, I have no spare key hidden anywhere around my house, it is 90 fricking Florida degrees outside and ten degrees hotter in the garage, I’m barely dressed, my daughter is probably going to try to walk home alone when I don’t show up and some evil stranger will get her. I have smile-and-nod relationship with my neighbors. And, I realize, I have also left my cell phone inside on the charger.
Why…why do these things always happen to meeeeeee???????
Aha! My laptop! I have a wireless internet connection, so I fire it up and immediately begin shooting off emails to anyone I can think of, including friends who have kids who go to the same school. Of course, most of them are not losers who were late picking up their own dear children, so I’m sure they’re not going to get the message.
Then I write a frantic, “Oh, God, you’re not going to believe what’s happening” message to my hubby, who works 45 minutes away. I get one response…a worried, “where are you and what’s going on” and so I write back my tale of woe…and hear not one more word. Nothing.
It’s now 2:35. The car loop line is getting shorter, I can feel it, and my little girl is standing there wondering where her Mom is.
I find the school website and email the administration office and her teacher. I send more frantic IM’s to my husband.
Then I realize I am going to have to just find a way to get there.
Bikes: I’ll ride my bike up, carry the kid’s backpack at least and we’ll walk the 2 miles home from school.
Bike tires are flat. On all 4 bikes. Even the youngest daughter’s 16” Barbie one (which, believe me, I would have ridden if it came right down to it!) And the bicycle pump is buried somewhere in the 200 pounds of crap on my husband’s work bench.
Okay, so I’ll walk. But not in my basically pajamas and flip flops. Fortunately, my laundry room is now my office, so my washer & dryer are in my garage, and there’s a pile of dirty clothes the size of an SUV sitting in front of them. So I pick through, find dirty shorts and T-shirt. Hide behind the front of my car and put them on so no neighbors can see me doing a striptease in my garage. Go to the lawnmower area, grab my nasty green sneakers that I wear when I’m doing yard work (they were once white…Reebok Princess, as Julie well knows) and pull them on. I’m sitting on the seat of the riding lawnmower tying the laces when the proverbial lightbulb goes off over my head.
The lawnmower.
Hey, people pick up their kids in golf carts all the time. This thing has to go at least as fast as a golf cart, and it’s definitely faster than my feet.
So, though I’m sure you’re shaking your head in disbelief, yes, I decided to drive the lawnmower the 2 miles to the school to pick up my daughter.
I grabbed a couple of bottles of water out of the garage fridge, my wallet, check and deposit slip (hey, I was nearly hysterical, I don’t know that I REALLY thought I was going to get pulled over by a cop and need to show I.D., or else drive the lawnmower through the bank drive-thru.) I pulled one of hubby’s working-in-the-yard sun visors on my head, get on the mower, fire it up and back out of the garage, shutting the door with the remote, which I’d so intelligently thought to grab out of my car.
Chug-chug-chug.
The thing is slower than walking. It’s 2:50, I’m crying now, picturing my 3rd grader walking home and running into God-knows-what psychopath, and I could probably be outrun by an old lady on a Wal Mart scooter as I race to save her.
I get to the front of my neighborhood, am considering just jumping off the darn thing and hitchhiking, when the mother of one of my older daughter’s friends drives by and sees me. She (God bless her) stops and asks if I’m okay. I burst into tears and tell her what’s going on. She immediately offers to drive me to the school, so I park the mower on the side of the road, hop into her van and off we go.
I find my daughter standing with one of the administrators, the last kid there, crying and red-faced with embarrassment. (I often ask her how much more embarrassed she would have been if Mom had come putt-putting up on a Lawnboy, and she just rolls her eyes.)
The nice lady drives the two of us back to our neighborhood and drops us off at my lawnmower. The munchkin and I climb aboard and drive back toward home. We’re talking about how we’ll park the mower and go around back and just jump in the pool with our clothes on (unless I can find a few swimsuits in the dirty laundry) and wait until her big sisters get home with their keys. (They, fortunately, are bus riders.)
As we’re pulling into our driveway at about 3:10, I hear a beep, turn around and see my husband’s car barreling up the street. He’s looking as frantic as I’d been feeling and obviously drove like a maniac to get home from Orlando that quickly. Turns out he’d gotten the one first “I’m in trouble” email from me, but none of the rest, and had been so worried, he’d just raced home.
What a guy. My hero.
A hero with KEYS.
Though, I did make one more stop in the garage before we went into the nice, cool house. I opened the fridge and grabbed an icy cold Seagram’s cooler and started drinking at 3:30 in the afternoon.
Hey, I deserved it. It’s not every day you make a fool of yourself.
Well…unless you’re me.
Oh my gosh, Leslie, I felt your pain but oh how funny! I picture this ending up in one of your books. I know at the time it was awful and suspenseful, but you gotta laugh now, right? Hugs to you guys.
Comment by Stacy ~ — July 10, 2006 @ 7:08 am
That story is priceless….and you’re a good mom to hop on that lawnmower!! But, Would there have been enough gas? Luckily, you wouldn’t have to find out!
Comment by Christine — July 10, 2006 @ 7:21 am
I actually remember this story. You are too funny, Les. No wonder your books are too!
Comment by Carly — July 10, 2006 @ 7:30 am
This story is impossible to forget. I have similar tales of picking up my daughter woes (why is it my garage door has broken down four times in the last two years, trapping my car inside?) but they wouldn’t be nearly as funny. You’ve just reminded me to program the school’s phone number into my cell phone for next year.
Comment by Julie Leto — July 10, 2006 @ 8:52 am
Bless your heart! I hope that’s not a typical, run-of-the-mill occurrance for you.
Comment by Madison — July 10, 2006 @ 9:00 am
Comment by Kelly — July 10, 2006 @ 9:24 am
I see visions of Vince Gill in a video doing the same thing and it was a take off of someone else who took hiis John Deere to the bar when his wife hid all the car keys. On the plus side, the lawn mower was still there when you got back!! And I see absolutely nothing wrong with a cocktail at that hour. Many a time when I worked for DSS (Dept of Shit and Stupidity) I would feel the same way when I got home. Have you left a spare key with a neighbor or attached to the car yet??
Comment by EvR — July 10, 2006 @ 9:34 am
I genuflect in your general direction!
I can’t even imagine
that whole scenerio…well, yah, I can. It’s definitely something that would happen to me, and I wouldn’t know the first thing about a ride-on mower. I don’t even use the regular one!
I can relate to the the hubby, though. Mine would have reacted the same way, and has, when older son fell asleep on the city bus, going to his high school, and took an unexpected field trip five towns out - it would’ve been only a twenty minute walk from our house. That was about ten years ago and we still razz The Kid about it.
Carla
Comment by Carla — July 10, 2006 @ 9:35 am
You are so funny, Les. I, too, remember this story — and it still gave me a good laugh.
Comment by Janelle — July 10, 2006 @ 10:15 am
Leslie,
You described it all so well I felt like I was on the mower with you.
You poor thing I bet that experience shaved 5 years off your life. :doggie:
Comment by Gigi — July 10, 2006 @ 10:36 am
Leslie,
Thank you for the story! I’m an Auto and Property adjuster, still handling 2004 and 2005 Hurricane property claims. and in the last 2 hours i’ve been yelled at, and threatened!
So leslie thank you for the laugh, because girl i needed it!!!!!!!
well that and a drink!:cocktail: my motto it’s 5:00 somewhere!
Comment by TRICIA — July 10, 2006 @ 10:41 am
Tricia, your post reminds me…
http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/
In case you need to know where it’s drinking time, specifically. Comes in very handy.
Hugs on people yelling at you. Meanies.
Comment by Julie Leto — July 10, 2006 @ 10:55 am
LMAO..oh leslie that was absolutley hilarious.
What a great way to start off a monday. We all have stories like that and at the time they are never funny because you are to busy being mad as hell. :biteme: Then you tell someone else and you just cant help but realize that it is funny. Thanks for sharing and helping me get through what would have undoubtedly been a boring monday morning!
Comment by Tyne H — July 10, 2006 @ 11:11 am
I remember this day. And oh boy have I been there myself, but I had to actually climb a tree to get into our second story living room window … I think I still have splinters.
Comment by Jill — July 10, 2006 @ 11:23 am
Oh Yes! I can remember things like that happening…but not as bad as yours…so glad it all turned out okay…thats all that matters anyway! We have a man that drives his mower around town, and now I won’t beable to see him without thinking about your story. LOL
Comment by Darla — July 10, 2006 @ 12:11 pm
Thanks Julie,
BTW it’s 5:00pm in Dublin any one want to join me!!! :cocktail:
Comment by TRICIA — July 10, 2006 @ 12:11 pm
That was a great way to start my Monday…..my oldest keeps slamming himself into our door (ala Murray the dog on “Mad About You’, I gotta get him to stop…
.
Comment by katie — July 10, 2006 @ 12:14 pm
funny.
Comment by kim H — July 10, 2006 @ 1:01 pm
Leslie, thanks for a good laugh! I know it wasn’t funny at the time but you can’t help but laugh later once all is okay! I have locked myself out of my car & out of my house (at different times), you just feel so dumb!!!
Since I am single & live alone you learn to be careful about leaving the house & I have gotten so I double check to make sure I have those keys!!!
Of course, then there is the human factor because you are rushing, running late that always means Murphy’s Law is alive & well!!
Comment by Donna M — July 10, 2006 @ 3:23 pm
oh my god!! that sounds like a very exciting day, better luck tomorrow.
Lui
Comment by Lui — July 10, 2006 @ 5:34 pm
HOWLING my arse off here - but sorry you had such a day. What fodder for a story, though.
Comment by Sunny Lyn — July 10, 2006 @ 6:00 pm
O. M. G! LOL! Leslie, I’m sitting here cracking up. The next time I lock myself out and fall over into something that makes me bleed, I’m going to come here and show my hubby this post. (BTW, your hubby and my hubby will probably enjoy sharing a beer, seriously, the stories they could tell!) FINALLY, I can say, “See, it’s not just MEEEE! It’s romance writers in general!”
He won’t believe me, but it’s worth a shot!
Dee
Comment by Dee — July 10, 2006 @ 6:07 pm
Sorry you had a bad day. I can’t believe you actually drove the mover
you deserved that :cocktail:
Comment by Cherylann — July 10, 2006 @ 6:46 pm
Thanks for the laugh Leslie. You and Jill Shalvis should get together stuff like this is always happening to her too.
Comment by Barbara — July 10, 2006 @ 7:05 pm
Oh Leslie, what a funny story, it is just what I needed to read, it gave me a real laugh. I realize it was not funny at the time, but it is now when you look back. Your hubby is a real keeper…………to drop everything and come roaring to your rescue.
Comment by Cryna — July 10, 2006 @ 7:42 pm
Comment by jeanne — July 10, 2006 @ 7:58 pm
Leslie, do you believe in Murphys’ Law? What can go wrong will.
Comment by Estella Kissell — July 10, 2006 @ 8:56 pm
I am sooooo glad that I can tell others that crazy stuff like that just doesn’t happen to ME!!! Finally there is proof out there that God has a wicked sense of humor and He inclides all of us in his escapades from time to time
thanks for sharing that!!
Comment by Sheryl M — July 10, 2006 @ 9:44 pm
Leslie,
I never thought about carrying my laptop to wait in the carpool line, although I have on occasion found some scrap of paper and a pen and started writing, anything to take my mind off the boredom. Now that I know it’s an essential emergency contact tool, I think I’ll have to carry it everywhere!
And ride a lawnmower, ooh-boy! You are funny. I’m fairly new to the Plot Monkeys but I’m definitely going to have find one of your books.
Comment by Patricia — July 10, 2006 @ 9:47 pm
Aww Leslie you poor thing. But these story’s was funny
Thank you for the good story’s and the good laugh
Linda.H.
Comment by Linda — July 11, 2006 @ 1:37 am
OMG - Leslie, that was the best story I’ve ever heard. You poor thing. I would have needed a couple of drinks after that escapade. Thanks for the laughs I needed that today.
Comment by Carolyn A. — July 11, 2006 @ 11:19 am