The glamorous life of a romance novelist…
Well, it’s 10pm on Sunday night, I’m just about to collapse and I remembered that I have blog duty for tomorrow. Believe me, after the week I’ve had, I can barely pull together two brain cells to form a coherent sentence, such as “Wine. Chocolate. Now.” Much less write a witty, insightful, entertaining blog entry.
But here goes.
I figured that given my current state, I’d share with you–my friends, readers, colleagues–a little glimpse into the life of a semi-well-known romance author of 25+ books, numerous awards, great reviews and a really nice career.
Picture the pink feathered negligee and the mules. The picture perfect, puffy blonde curls. The nicely made-up face, the manicured nails, the designer clothes purchased with allllll that money I must be making having written 25 books.
Got a good picture in your mind?
Okay, close your eyes, scroll down, and then see if it resembles me about a half-hour ago:
No peeking!
Ta daaaaaa!
That’s me. At about 9:38 tonight after about 10 hours of backbreaking labor in my house. Actually, after about a week of backbreaking labor in my house. (You all know my trying-to-sell woes from a few weeks ago? Well, we decided to make some improvements to try to make the house more attractive and easier to sell.)
There’s just one problem: I can’t do much. I’m no good at electrical work, so I can’t put up the pretty new bathroom lights. And I don’t do drywall, so I can’t fix some patches here and there. I am completely incapable of doing anything involving plumbing, so hubby, you’ve gotta take care of the fixtures, too.
In fact, when it comes to household stuff, there’s only one thing I’m good at.
Painting.
I’m the queen of painting. I can paint like Johnny Depp can be totally hot…it’s just instinctive, ya know?
So, this is how I have looked every day this week. Every. Single. Day. Only, believe it or not, I usually have MUCH more paint on my skin than I do in this picture. (Today was a good day.)
Though I set out to only paint the baseboards and door frames of my house, I ended up painting walls in just about every room. Not because I wanted to, oh no, but because the paint industry is made up of a bunch of evil, manipulative, Spanish Inquisitor wannabes who just love to play “let’s screw with Leslie.”
Does this sound familiar? “Oh, you have the name and color of the paint you used on your living room wall three years ago? Great. But we don’t sell that brand anymore. We can make it with this brand instead, it’ll look fine.:
:cough: :cough: bullsnot :cough:
Then there’s this one: “Oh, wow, you don’t have the name? I can’t really make it out on this paint smeared lid, but I’d be happy to color match it for you. It’ll look fine.”
:cough: :cough: :horsepuckey: :cough:
Or how about this… “Sure, lady, this blue painting tape works great for trim. It won’t pull the paint off underneath.”
:cough: :cough: :you lying sack of shit: :cough:
Got an idea now why I started out painting baseboards and have now, as of 9:38 tonight, painted my foyer, dining room, 1 wall of my family room, 2 walls of my living room, back hallway, ¼ of my master bathroom, plus tiny bits of damaged trim–courtesy of that stupid blue tape that pulled it all off–in every bedroom of the house?
I’m sure you do.
Now, here’s a tip…don’t ever dab a brushful of paint onto a wall, just to “see if it’ll match” unless you’re using paint that came from the same can, was made by the same worker, at the same moment when all the planets were aligned. It won’t. Period. Because even though you pray it’s just lighter/brighter/pinker/shinier/duller/cleaner because it’s wet and it will be just fine when it dries…it never happens. Which is why I have four–I kid you not–FOUR–different shades of cream/white on various walls in adjoining areas of my house. My family room has 3 walls (it’s open on the 4th) and there are three different shades of paint on those three walls. You could probably tell if you really looked at every corner, where the changes occur, but you know what? I just don’t care. And I’d smack ya if you pointed it out.
Now, just to really cement this picture in your mind as you think about the glamorous life of a romance novelist, let me add one final tidbit about my week. The above orange, paint-splattered outfit you see me in is my standard painting uniform. I’ve been wearing it every day for a week…and you can tell if you get within five feet of me.
So picture me the other morning, wearing those orange clothes, with my hair so covered in white paint I look like I could join the AARP, and enough spills on me to play connect-the-dots with the white paint on my thighs and end up with a picture of a giant dinosaur, when the doorbell rings. I go to answer it. And it’s two–count them TWO–very hot guys, one of them a dark-haired Irishman (love those dark-haired Irishman! Especially when they’re ½ Italian!)
I had totally forgotten they were coming to re-screen my porch. And there I am standing silently in the doorway, like this:
I’m dripping sweat…reeking of gasoline (because I had no paint thinner to try to get the spilled paint off my fingers)…unable to see because my eyelashes are stuck together from a big glop of pink paint that fell on my head and dripped down my face when I was trying to “touch up” damaged spots ripped off by that stupid blue tape in my daughter’s room…not daring to wipe the paint–or my hair–out of my eye for fear I’ll get gasoline in it and blind myself…rolling forward onto my toes because I feel sticky wetness on my right heel and I just know I’m getting paint on my wood floors, so this hot Irishman probably thinks I’m trying to launch myself at him…yelling at my dog not to walk into the open paint tray a few feet away…trying hard not to drop the drippy paint roller from my hand in shock as I see the laughter on these guys’ faces…and already wondering how I’m going to get the paint off the damn doorknob because I’d had a handful of the stuff when I answered the door.
Such is my life. Just another day in it.
My ever-helpful hubby had a suggestion…he suggested I simply avoid these problems and paint naked. And he even offered to wash my back for me afterward. What a guy.
That wouldn’t, of course, help with the odd hot guys knocking on my door. I think that painting ensemble would probably have scared the screen guys even more than my bright orange clothes and painted-together eyelashes.
But ya know, there’s one thing that’s absolutely fabulous about being in my forties.
Somehow…I just didn’t care.
:shock: Oh, poor Leslie. Actually, considering all the work you did, the picture really doesn’t look all that bad. Oh, and sorry about the hot guys - that always happens when you’re not wearing the pink negligee, doesn’t it? LOL about hubby’s suggestion. Such a “guy” solution.
Comment by Stacy ~ — July 3, 2006 @ 7:03 am
Good Morning everyone.
I’m getting ready to head out to my mothers soon. We have our 4th of July festivities on the 3rd here. I have no clue why, but we do.
Leslie, you honestly don’t look that bad. I totally know how you feel though about having some hot guy show up when you are not feeling or looking your “best” though. I think we should all have one of those remote controls Adam Sandler has in his new movie. Then we could freeze them and go get ourselves together.
Have a Happy 4th everyone.
Comment by Kelly — July 3, 2006 @ 9:53 am
NO WAY you’re in your forties, Leslie! Really?? I’m in my forties and that picture would be me on a GOOD day. :mrgreen:
Have a great holiday everyone!
Comment by Cheryl S. — July 3, 2006 @ 10:59 am
You made me feel so much better about my day and pushed that silly idea of painting right out of my head.
Thanks for the morning laugh.
Comment by evanne — July 3, 2006 @ 11:16 am
Oh, God, Les! You poor thing. I can’t imagine how tired and exhausted you must be (mentally & physically!).
??: But I did love your post. Even with you so tired, your humor shines through! Big hugs to you, and hang in there!
Comment by Janelle — July 3, 2006 @ 11:37 am
I imagine this falls under the heading, MURPHY’S LAW.
I really hope this nightmare ends for you soon!
Comment by Carly — July 3, 2006 @ 11:38 am
LOL. I’m glad to know that blue tape does the same thing in other houses as it does in mine. Trading Spaces makes it look so easy.
Comment by mary beth — July 3, 2006 @ 11:52 am
Wow, the life of a romance novelist is more glamorous than I thought!:razz: I think they change the colors of the paint just to drive us crazy. Good luck with the rest of your painting.
Comment by Susan — July 3, 2006 @ 12:14 pm
LOL!! Everything you said about painting is sooo true. Thanks for the glimpse of the glamorous side. :smile:
Comment by Lori H — July 3, 2006 @ 12:59 pm
Great post! And you’ve definitely given us aspiring romance novelists something to aspire to!
Comment by JulieS — July 3, 2006 @ 1:11 pm
My whloe hearted sympathies go out to you. Prior to injuring my back I too was the Priestess of Painting! My husband used to make what he thought were cute comments likes” Hey, you highlighted your hair , finally” Yeah, with forest green glossy paint.( They’ll never find the body!)
(Yes of course I am joking! )No matter how I try to prevent I aleays end up looking like a paint sample! As ever, best wishes with your projects and best hopes and wishes in selling your house.
Also best wishes for everybody to have a fun and safe holiday. Tommorrow is also my late father’s birthday. I now have SUCH mixed feelings about the day. Take Care
Comment by Sue Mont — July 3, 2006 @ 1:15 pm
Leslie you don’t look that bad.
My hubby is a painter and I will have to ask him for you what to use for the next time you paint besides the blue masking tape.
He uses this smelly stuff to get paint off ugghhh
Comment by Cherylann — July 3, 2006 @ 1:23 pm
Great blog. I so admire anyone who can paint, because I am useless at it. But I have to agree that they do change the paint colors, just to get more business…….:sad:
I hope that you get all the painting done, and trust a husband to come up with such a solution………LOL But seriously, I wish you well with the sale of your house and the painting, you are gutsy just to do such a thing. I would be totally hopeless. :thumbsup2:
Comment by Cryna — July 3, 2006 @ 1:23 pm
I sold my house last year and have great sympathy for what you are going through. Listening to all the TV shows about the “sure fire way” to sell a house fast almost put me in the looney bin.
They do make it look much easier to do those “little” things that will make a house sell quickly. Hang in there and the right buyer will come along when you least expect it.
Comment by Linda Mc. — July 3, 2006 @ 1:52 pm
wow, nice happy 4th:cry:
Comment by kim H — July 3, 2006 @ 3:03 pm
Thanks for a peek into the world of the “glamourous author”.
If any of you are looking for a fun summer read this is a good book, it is a Valentine theme but still good reading.
It is nice to known that you are a normal, but very talented, person!:cool:
You may have been tired (and who wouldn’t be) but your talent shows through in your blog today.
By the way, I just recently read Behind the Red Doors anthology & I loved your contribution to the book. Good job!
Hang in there Leslie, I just know someone will be delighted with your house & have to buy it.
Take care, have a great 4th everyone.
Comment by Donna M — July 3, 2006 @ 3:54 pm
Been there, done all of that with the paint:cursing:
Comment by Estella Kissell — July 3, 2006 @ 4:15 pm
Hi Leslie,
1. You’ were’ able to string together more than two words and did a great job.:thumbsup2:
2. The ponytail you are wearing looks like me 95% of the time. I live in south Georgia just a half hours drive north of Tallahassee so it is just as Hot as you are. I think there is more humidity here.:grin:
3. I’m happy to hear that I’m not the only female on the planet that knows how to paint. When we built our house 7 years ago I painted everything. I also stained the cabinets too. I’m trying to talk myself into peeling the wallpaper off the master bath walls (it is peeling off around my hubby’s shower stall) and paint the bathroom.
Good luck on the paint job it will be over one day.:doggie:
Comment by Gigi — July 3, 2006 @ 4:35 pm
Comment by jeanne — July 3, 2006 @ 6:17 pm
Aww…I know the paint drama..been there, done that, have the t-shirt. My father-in-law is a painter and they have a trick in the trade…painting with oil paint, cut it with a little thinner..that’s right, in another paint bucket, mix about an eighth of an inch of thinner in with the paint….helps it roll on smoother…do the same thing for latex only use water…also helps with the clean up! and dont know all the particulars, but have you thought of renting your house out? Dunno, just a thought. Or since you are this feather boa wearing diva that gets fanned by super hot guys…have one of those HGTV shows put your home on tv and sell it…..
Not to mention it is so nice to know that even fame keeps people real…have a great holiday!!!:cocktail:
Comment by Sheryl — July 4, 2006 @ 12:01 am
Leslie, Hang in there. At least your house is painted. We keep saying, “oh, we’ll do it this year”…yeah, right. It’s on our list. I have a plan, now we just need to execute (and the boys and I need to be out so I don’t get the fumes…they give me a migraine!)!
Comment by katie — July 4, 2006 @ 12:53 am
Poor Leslie….At the end of each day, you need a large, cold drink with some cabana guys serving it to you. :cocktail:
I hope you get the house sold soon.
Comment by PattiF — July 4, 2006 @ 11:14 am
Leslie-
No matter what your hubby says- DON”T paint naked- tried it and getting that paint off of and out of some of the places it ended up wasn’t a pretty sight!!
The Blue Tape works best if you pull it off before the paint dries. :mrgreen:
Wanna come help me and do my house? Everyone else here is useless, at least then I could have some fun doing it!!
I’ll even provide the cocktails (which lead to the original problem with painting naked, so maybe not!!)
Comment by EvR — July 5, 2006 @ 10:28 am
Hee, I hear ya on the paint situation… I wanted a pink office (suitable for a romance writer, I thought
). Well, one coat later, and it looks like someone barfed pepto bismol on my walls. Worse… it glows, so now my white hallway has an odd pinkish tone.
It’s a conspiracy of the Debbie Travises and Sell this Housers, I tell you!
Comment by Lara Rose — July 5, 2006 @ 10:28 am